Suggested
Rating: for teen and older readers
Category: Daniel/Janet
Setting: following the events of The Light
Synopsis: Three weeks isolated on another planet
provides wonderful opportunity for introspection.
Author’s
Comments: Part 29 in The Journey series. If you’ve made it this far, thanks for sticking with me through the
angst. And many
thanks to Sonia. I really do have
the best editor in the world. : )
DISCLAIMER: All publicly
recognizable characters and places (the Stargate SG-1 stuff) are the
property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret
Productions. This piece of fan fiction
was created for entertainment only and no infringement on copyrights or
trademarks was intended. Previously
unrecognized characters and places, and this story, are creations of the
author. Any similarity to real persons,
living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by
the author.
RECLAMATION
- by Michelle Lunsford (October 2008)
Daniel suspected something was amiss when
Jack remained behind while Sam and Loran went for an afternoon walk. When the older man made an exaggerated sigh and
plopped down beside him on the steps in front of the Gate, he knew his friends
had plotted against him.
An expectant silence simmered between them. When he could no longer focus on the words on
the page, Daniel looked up from his journal. “What?”
Jack grimaced as he pulled off his military boonie. “You gonna tell me what’s up or will I have to drag it out of
you?”
“Excuse me?”
“Come on, Daniel, don’t
go for the drag-it-out-of-you routine.” There
was a hint of good-natured teasing in his voice but it was mixed with equal
seriousness. “You know we both hate it.”
“I also know having a friendly heart-to-heart
isn’t exactly your forte. So maybe you
should start by telling me what’s the point,” he closed his journal and waved a
hand as he added, “of all this?”
Jack shrugged. “Carter suggested someone needed to talk to
you.” He raked a hand through his
hair. “I made the mistake of suggesting
we flip for it.”
“How reassuring,” Daniel replied sourly. “I suppose this means you lost the coin
toss.”
“Maybe.” The cryptic reply did little to appease
Daniel’s increasingly foul mood but then Jack surprised him by turning to face
him. There was no trace of humor in his
eyes. “Yeah, I know I’m not good at this
sort of thing. But something’s bothering
you. And you being out of sorts bothers Carter. If Teal’c were here he’d be bothered too, although it’d take
us longer to figure that out. I don’t
like having my entire team bothered, so it’s time to fess up.”
Daniel blinked. This was as close to demonstrative as Jack
ever got. Besides, he recognized this
particular O’Neill mood. His friend
wasn’t going to back down.
“I’m worried about Janet.”
Jack offered a single curt nod before looking
away, his attention now fixed on his hat as he passed it back and forth it
between his hands. “I’m sure the general
has kept her informed of our situation.
She knows you’re alive.”
He sighed.
“I know. But that’s not exactly
what I meant.”
The hat stilled as Jack cast him a curious
sideways glance.
“Jack, we lost all of SG-5. I know death is
part of the job – that it would be part of her job no
matter where she served – but that doesn’t make it any easier.”
Jack’s jaw tightened and Daniel watched as
his friend slowly willed himself to relax.
He occasionally wondered about the mental and emotional defenses Jack
had developed to help deal with the memories, the personal demons. But most times he guessed it was better that he
didn’t know.
“She’s tough,” the colonel replied at
last. “And she knows how to handle that
part of the job.” His hands regained
their easy exchange with the hat. “Besides,
you’ll be home soon enough.”
“Right.” There was no keeping the bitterness out of
his voice as he stared at the floor.
Jack was silent for several heartbeats. “Why am I getting the feeling there’s
something you’re not telling me?” Another pause. “Are
you and the doc on the outs?”
Daniel jerked his head up to gape at him.
“Just because you two haven’t been
broadcasting it over the PA doesn’t mean I hadn’t figured it out. I’m not an idiot, Daniel.”
He titled his head in unspoken challenge.
“Okay, so I’d only guessed until Carter made a comment in passing one day that
confirmed it. But I take it this means
the answer to my question is yes.” Jack’s
eyes bore into him. “Please tell me you haven’t
gone and done something stupid.”
Stupid. Yeah, that pretty much summed it up.
“I pushed her away, Jack… I got scared, and so I pushed her away.”
For the longest time Jack merely glared back
at him, the look cold and unyielding. Daniel
had seen that expression before, in instances when the colonel was making an
effort to control himself at some deep level.
The military boonie was clutched tightly in
Jack’s hands.
“So you knowingly hurt her.”
It wasn’t a question and it was uttered in
much too steady a tone for Daniel’s comfort.
But in an odd way it was a relief to finally hear someone pass judgment,
to declare the truth he’d been denying all this time.
He nodded.
“Damn it, Daniel,” the colonel muttered
between clenched teeth. He shook his
head. “So help me, if you were anyone
else…”
He didn’t need to finish the threat for
Daniel to get the picture. Maybe it would be better if you didn’t hold
back. I certainly deserve some kind of
punishment.
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m
not the one you need to apologize to,” Jack retorted. He swatted the boonie
against Daniel’s upper arm, hard.
Daniel nodded again before propping his
elbows on his knees to bury his face in his hands.
The colonel exhaled forcefully. “Listen, you’re right – I’m no good at this
sort of thing. But even I can see you
and the doc are good for each other.
Something about you two… it works. And hearing you say that you’ve gone and
screwed that up… it goes a long way toward explaining why you’ve been sulking lately.”
He turned to quickly challenge, “I’ve not
been sulk—”
“Daniel!”
The colonel held up a finger.
“Don’t even start with me. You
haven’t been your usual geeky self for weeks.”
Jack lowered the finger but leveled a steely gaze at him. “Now, what are you going to do about this?”
That was the all important question, wasn’t
it? “I’m afraid I’ve ruined everything.”
“Has she told you that? Point blank?”
Daniel paused. An image of Janet standing in her office,
looking very small and tired, flashed in his mind. “No.
She said she’d give me time to figure things out, but that she wouldn’t
wait forever.”
“Ah.
So then the proverbial ball is in your court.”
Daniel nodded, eyes drifting toward the journal
in his lap. He ran his fingers over the
worn, familiar cover. “Jack... what if I
can’t make this right?”
“Do you want
to make it right?”
His hand stilled. Despite his lack of finesse when it came to
discussing emotions, Jack O’Neill did know how to make a point. “Yeah… I really do.”
A hearty slap landed on his shoulder. Something in the gesture communicated a
mixture of forgiveness and encouragement.
He looked up to find those same sentiments expressed in Jack’s thin
smile. “Look on the bright side. You’ve got a whole other week to think about
it.” The smile faded but the hand on
Daniel’s shoulder squeezed slightly. “I
suggest you use that time wisely.”
^ *
^ * ^
* ^ *
^ * ^
* ^ *
^ *
Janet wasn’t on base when they returned from
the planet. Daniel suffered through the routine
examination with Doctor Warner and couldn’t stop fidgeting during the debriefing. The instant Hammond voiced a dismissal he
rushed to change into civilian clothes.
The drive seemed intolerably long and he gripped the steering wheel, silently
willing the vehicles in front of him to go
faster. Fearful his nerve would fail him,
he was out of the car almost before he'd secured the gear in park.
He took the porch steps two at a time.
I
should have called first.
The realization set in the same instant he
pressed the doorbell, causing the final remnants of his confidence to bolt down
a dozen rabbit holes.
This
was her day off, I shouldn’t be bothering her.
What if she’s doing something with Cassie? Or was she working at the Academy Hospital
today? Maybe she’s just out
shopping. Or catching
a movie.
“This was a bad idea,” he muttered, turning
to go. He’d almost reached the edge of
the porch when he heard the door opening behind him.
“Daniel?”
The slightly stunned tone was not quite the welcome
he’d been hoping for. He pivoted to face
her, striving to keep his expression even.
“Hello, Janet.”
She was dressed in old jeans and a
sweatshirt. A paisley bandana was tied
around her hair but a few of the more stubborn auburn strands had worked free. The cool afternoon breeze made them dance
around her face.
“Sorry it took me so long to answer the
door.” Her voice was steady now, but she
avoided his gaze while she pulled a thick glove off one hand. “I was doing some yard work in the back. I wasn’t even sure I’d heard the doorbell.”
She glanced up then and he noticed she
actually had a smudge of dirt on her left cheek. Something about it caught him unawares and he
almost smiled.
“Daniel, was there something you needed?”
Her manner seemed agreeable but the words jerked
him back to the present. “Oh, right… um,
sorry.” He shifted his weight from one
foot to the other in a vain attempt to settle his nerves. “Janet, I’m sorry I didn’t call first but I
wanted—” he stalled. Admitting how
desperately he’d wanted to see her didn’t seem like the wisest ploy at this
stage. He fought the urge to reach up
and adjust his glasses. “I wanted to ask
if we could talk. About
us.”
She didn’t answer right away nor did she
smile when she finally agreed, but as Daniel followed her inside he began to
feel like he could breathe again. The house
was extremely tidy, as bright and welcoming as he remembered. But it felt abnormally quiet.
As if reading his mind, Janet said over her
shoulder, “Cassie’s at a friend’s house, working on an assignment for school. I have to go pick her up in about half an
hour.”
He frowned at the back of her head. That didn’t give them a lot of time. I’ll
just have to make good use of the time we’ve got, he told himself, refusing
to allow this new impediment to feed his churning doubt.
“Give me a sec to clean up a bit?” She was already heading down the hall toward
her room as Daniel reached the entrance to the den.
“Sure,” he called after her, adding under his
breath, “since I don’t appear to have a choice.”
He settled at one end of the sofa, prepared
to watch too many of his few moments slip away, but Janet returned
quickly. The bandana had been
removed. So had the
smudge on her cheek. He
experienced an unexpected pang at the loss of both.
“So?”
She sat at the end opposite him and reached for one of the throw
pillows. As she clutched it to her
stomach he couldn’t help envisioning it as a shield.
“So… I’ve spent the past several days
thinking of how I wanted to start this conversation and nothing seemed right,
exactly.” He leaned forward to prop his
elbows against his knees, trying to dispel some of his tension. “But I hope you’ll hear me out.”
She nodded but her face remained impassive.
Daniel took a slow, deep breath. “I’m sorry that I’ve pushed you away, Janet. I’ve had my reasons and…” he leaned back
again. “Well, that doesn’t really
matter. I’m not interested in trying to
justify myself at this point. But I did
want you to know that I regret it. That I regret hurting you.
I was being selfish, and I’m sorry.”
She nodded again, more slowly, and her gaze faltered
as she began to fiddle with the tassels at one corner of the pillow. “Does this mean I’m not going to hear what
your reasons were?”
“No, of course not,” he answered
hastily. “I want you to know. You deserve to know. But I also want you to understand that I’m
not doing this with any… I’m trying not to have any unrealistic expectations.”
It felt like a long time passed while she
continued to fiddle with the pillow tassel, but she finally looked up and met
his eyes. “Okay. I’m listening.”
He swallowed.
You knew this wasn’t going to be
easy. “It started when SG-1 was
kidnapped and we had our memories altered.
That experience bothered me more than I would have thought—”
“There was a time you would have come to me
and talked about something like that.”
The intensity of her outburst startled him,
forcing him to redirect his thoughts.
She was right, of course. And he
wasn’t likely to gain any points by making excuses.
“Part of me wanted to. And I think I would have… had it not been for
what happened shortly afterward.”
Janet glanced away, as if searching her
memory. He knew when it locked onto the
right detail because she turned back to him, her eyes narrowing slightly.
“I’m guessing this is the part where Sarah
Gardner comes in?”
Her voice had taken on an accusatory edge and
it took him a moment to figure out how best to answer.
“Yes… but not in the way you might think.”
She merely raised an eyebrow in challenge but
he caught how her grip of the pillow tightened almost imperceptibly.
You
need to tell her.
“When we returned from Egypt,” he began,
allowing his gaze to drift, “I started having this recurring dream… I was always in a different place – Abydos,
Chicago, the SGC, other planets we’ve visited – but the situation remained the
same.” His fists clenched reflexively as
images came unbidden to his mind. “I was
walking with someone. First it was Sha’re, but as we went along she transformed into Amonet. Then it
would be Sarah beside me, only she’d become Osiris. In both instances they turned on me, using
the hand device. But then—” his voice
broke as he met her gaze, “then in the dream it was you – you walking with me
and then becoming a Goa’uld. You raising your
hand to…”
Her eyes were wide, almost luminous.
Alarm mixed with compassion as she demanded, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I was afraid,” he replied, knowing how weak
a defense it was. “I think even then I
realized that some part of my subconscious was trying to deal with my feelings
toward you, the realization that I was—” he momentarily averted his gaze,
startled by the truth he’d almost acknowledged.
No, not
ready to verbalize that – not yet.
He cleared his throat and altered his
confession to something that was close enough to the truth. “That I was afraid of losing you, just like
I’d lost everyone else I ever cared about.
But I couldn’t… I didn’t want to face it. I didn’t want to deal with it. So I went on the defensive, and I shut you
out.”
Janet stared at him, her expression of
concern slowly shifting into one of agitation and disbelief. “So all this time you’ve been pushing me away
because what you’re most afraid of is losing me?” She shook her head. “Daniel, that’s just…”
“Stupid?”
“Well that’s one word for it!” She was clutching the pillow again but now
Daniel had the impression it was so she wouldn’t throw it at him. “I can’t believe, after all the discussions
we had about my fears of losing you…
Honestly, Daniel, I really think we could have gotten through this if you’d
only come and told me what you were feeling.”
He dropped his gaze to where his hands were
clasped tightly in his lap. The incrimination
in her tone he could bear, but not the look of betrayal in her eyes. “I know,” he breathed. “And I know I can’t change what I’ve
done. I can’t take back the hurt I’ve
caused y—”
“Do you even have any idea how much you’ve
hurt me?” Her words lashed out at him,
wrenching his gaze back to her face. “I
feel like I’ve been through hell trying to figure out what went wrong between
us. What I thought was developing into a
pretty terrific relationship had taken this inexplicable turn and was dying,
without me having any clue how to save it.”
She was becoming more animated and Daniel could detect an increasing tension
in her voice. “Then Shifu
shows up and you have to endure that horrible dream. And then you get addicted to some Goa’uld device and—” she bolted from the sofa and thrust
her hands toward him, palms up. “My God, Daniel, you coded right there in the hallway. Sending you back to the planet was a guess
but I had no idea if it would work.” Her
arms fell limp by her side and her voice became little more than a hoarse
whisper as she went on, “I really thought this time was going to be it.”
Tears had spilled down her cheeks and more
than anything he wanted to take her in an embrace and make the pain go
away. But he remembered how she’d
responded the last time he’d tried to reach out to her.
“I’m so sorry, Janet.” His voice didn’t sound any less strained than
hers had. “I know that doesn’t seem like
nearly enough to offer.” He raked a hand
through his hair before standing slowly.
“And I don’t know what else to offer.
But please believe that I do regret the pain I’ve caused you. And if there was anything I could do to take
it back, to make things right between us…”
She spun away and put a couple steps distance
between them. Silence was thick in the
room, matching the increasing heaviness in his spirit.
“I do believe you.” Her tone was low, more controlled now. “And I think I can even forgive you. But…” her arms were laced tightly across her
chest when she turned to face him again.
“Daniel, I feel like you don’t trust me anymore.”
Daniel closed his eyes and swallowed against
the sick feeling rising in his gut. How
many bits of his heart could be torn out before he had nothing left?
“No, Janet.”
He opened his eyes and settled them on her, not hiding any of his sorrow. “It’s me
I haven’t trusted.”
He thought he caught a slight nod of her head
before she lowered it to stare toward the floor. Eventually she ventured, “So… what happens now?”
Bone weary as he felt, the question seemed
incredibly overwhelming. But a small
voice somewhere in the depth of his aching heart reminded him there was really
only one thing he needed to know.
“Do you think… is it possible we could start
again?” He tried to keep the desperate
hope from coloring his tone but it seeped in anyway.
She continued to avoid his gaze but her heavy
sigh was unmistakable. “I’m not sure I
want to start again.”
The room titled and began to spin. He bit his lip and held his breath, waiting
for the bottom to finish dropping out of his world.
“But,” she began hesitantly, her eyes rising
to meet his, “maybe we could gather the pieces and rebuild from where we left
off?”
There was uncertainty in those chocolate
depths, a perfect reflection of what now swirled in his own emotions. It took him several seconds to find his
voice. “I’m not really sure I know how
to go about that.”
“Neither do I,” she
admitted. Her arms gradually unfolded to
relax by her side. “But that doesn’t
mean I don’t want to try.”
A wave of lightheadedness hit him again, but
this time it brought the welcome wash of relief. “I want to try too,” he agreed.
As the sensation of amelioration faded Daniel
noticed it was being replaced by an atmosphere of awkwardness. Before it could become intolerable he cleared
his throat and said, “I should be leaving about now, or you’re going to be late
picking up Cassandra.”
“Right.” He thought he heard a hint of gratitude in
her voice. She waved toward the corridor. “I’ll see you out.”
Nothing more was said as they headed for the
door. Daniel used the brief journey to
evaluate his options, and decided he could risk at least one question. He paused before stepping out onto the porch. “Would it be okay if I called you, later
tonight?”
She considered for a moment. “I’d rather you didn’t. I meant what I said, Daniel – I don’t want to
give up on this, on us. But… it isn’t
going to be easy. And my emotions are still
a little raw right now.”
He tried not too sound too disappointed. “Of course. I understand.” As he turned to go he was halted by the unexpected
warmth of Janet’s hand brushing against his.
“But I’ll see you at work tomorrow.” A small smile tugged at the corners of her
mouth, but never quite reached her eyes.
“If I’m feeling up to it… maybe we could share some time together over a
cup of coffee?”
He squeezed where her fingers lightly grasped
his own. “I’d like that.” Then, staring into her upturned face, he opted
to take another risk.
Leaning down he brushed a kiss against her
cheek. She stiffened, but only for a
moment, and when he drew back her smile seemed a bit more genuine.
“Give Cassie my love,” he said.
“I will.”
She released his hand. “Goodbye,
Daniel.”
~ THE END ~