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Suggested
Rating: for teen and
older readers
Category: Daniel/Janet, some implied Sam/Jack
Setting: missing scenes during the episode Shades of Grey
Synopsis: Sometimes it amazes me the emotional
wringer that Daniel gets jerked through in this episode. Is it any wonder he’d turn to a
friend in his moment of need?
Author’s
Comments: Part 17 in The Journey series. Many, many thanks to Sonia for her
faithful editing.
DISCLAIMER: All
publicly recognizable characters and places (the Stargate SG-1 stuff)
are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created
for entertainment only and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was
intended. Previously unrecognized
characters and places, and this story, are creations of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living
or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the
author.
MISJUDGE
- by
Michelle Lunsford (March 2007)
“Please,
please tell me that you’ve
found something – anything – in Jack’s test results to
explain his bizarre behavior.”
The
beseeching voice captured Janet’s attention and she turned, her gaze
meeting troubled blue eyes. She
frowned, knowing she couldn’t provide the answer he wanted.
“I’m
sorry, Daniel. I just got the final
results from the lab a little while ago and it’s conclusive. There’s nothing medically wrong with him.”
As
Daniel’s shoulders slumped in response Janet gestured for him to step
further into her office, and then pulled her stool beside him once he’d
sat down.
“I heard
he’s been relieved of command,” she continued, “but the
details haven’t made it this far down the grapevine. I figured it must be pretty bad since Hammond sent
Teal’c to serve as escort and guard.” She titled her head to catch his eye. “So how bad is it?”
“The
general was able to offer court martial or early retirement.” Daniel sounded numb. “Jack opted for
retirement.”
She
blinked, stunned. It’s worse than I thought. “Daniel, what happened?”
He explained
SG-1’s mission to start diplomatic negotiations with Tollana and how it
had quickly fallen apart.
“It
was bad enough when Jack made rude remarks to Chancellor Travell, but I could
hardly believe it when he stole a
piece of their technology right off the wall.” Daniel traced a corkscrew figure in
the air with his finger as he added, “Things just spiraled from bad to
worse once we got back to the SGC.
He did confess to General Hammond, but spoke of it as if it were no
big deal. They got into a heated
argument and,” he paused, shaking his head. “Janet, I’ve never seen
Jack so blatantly disrespectful before.”
She took
a breath, slowly processing the information. When she’d given the colonel an
examination she had noticed his
behavior was more caustic than usual, but she’d tried to give him the
benefit of the doubt. It
wasn’t the first time she’d had to deal with a patient’s
questionable behavior. In each
case she’d later found it could be accounted for in some way. In fact, she could recall instances in
her career when a superior had behaved oddly simply because he’d been
privy to troubling classified information at the time. She wondered if perhaps O’Neill
might be in a similar situation and offered this idea to Daniel.
“Maybe,”
he replied. “Jack did say
something while he was yelling at Hammond,
something about the Pentagon not supporting their back-up plan. I had no idea what he was talking
about.” Leaning forward
Daniel propped his elbows on his knees and rubbed his forehead with both
hands. “Still, it seems a
long-shot. I mean, I know Jack
gets frustrated when more advanced races are wary of sharing technology with
us. And I know he has little
patience when it comes to bureaucracy.
He worries about us not making enough progress in our battle against
the Goa’uld.” His
hands stilled as he turned his face to her. “But I never thought he’d want to fight back like this. It just doesn’t make any
sense.”
Janet
placed her hand on his shoulder and rubbed soothingly. “You’re right, it
doesn’t make sense. But
this is Colonel O’Neill we’re talking about. In all the time you’ve known
him, has he ever done anything without reason?”
“No,”
Daniel acquiesced, easing back in his chair again. “I may not always agree with
Jack’s reasons, but he does have them.” He stilled, and there was a hint of
distraction in his gaze before he sought her eyes once more. “Janet, Sam told me, just a few
minutes ago, that Jack said something to her… She’d asked him if
there was anything she could do to help – you know,
shared her concern that he wasn’t behaving like himself…”
Janet
swallowed. Something in
Daniel’s expression told her she was not going to like this. “And what did he say?”
“He
told her that now he was acting
like himself, and that he hadn’t
been acting like himself ever since he met her.”
Janet
drew back as if stung. I can’t believe O’Neill could
have been that cold to Sam.
After a
long pause she asked, “Do you think I should go talk to her?”
“I
don’t know.” Daniel shrugged. “I could tell she was hurt, but
I also got the feeling she wanted to move past it, to try and find out what
is really going on with Jack.”
He sighed and laced his arms across his chest. “Which is why
we – Sam, Teal’c and I – decided that someone needs to go
talk to him.”
Janet
nodded. She agreed with their
assessment but certainly didn’t envy them the task. “And who decided to be that
‘someone’?”
Daniel
smiled sheepishly.
“Actually we drew straws.
I lost.”
Janet wrinkled
her nose. “Ouch. I hope you aren’t planning to
share that particular piece of information with O’Neill when you see
him.”
Daniel
shook his head. “No. Although, I admit, beyond that I
don’t really know what I’m going to say.”
She
smiled and gave his knee a reassuring pat. “Just let him know that you care
and that you’re there for him.
I’m sure the particulars will come to you once you get
going.” Her smile broadened
as she held his eyes.
“You’re a good judge of character, Daniel. And you’re easy to talk to. I have faith in you – I’m
sure Sam and Teal’c feel the same. You’ll do fine.”
For what
felt like the longest time Daniel stared at her, half-veiled emotions dancing
in his eyes. She didn’t try
to interpret his expression – didn’t want to try, if she was honest with herself – but had the
undeniable sensation of being on the cusp of some accidental revelation. Suddenly feeling uncomfortable, Janet
cleared her throat and stood.
“You
will let me know how this all turns out?” She stepped aside, putting some distance
between them as she slipped her hands into the pockets of her lab coat.
“Um,
yes…” Daniel,
blinking, stood as well.
“Of course I will.”
He paused at the door, one hand resting on the jamb as he glanced back
over his shoulder. “And
thanks, Janet. Thanks for
listening, for being so encouraging… and for being so special.”
She was still
standing in restless bewilderment long after Daniel had disappeared.
^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ *
Janet had
made herself an entire pot of chamomile tea. It sat on the end table, the faded
calico tea cozy her grandmother had once quilted secured on top to keep the
brew warm. She’d settled
into the oversized chair in her den, a fleece throw draped across her
knees. The house was quiet,
Cassie having already gone to bed, and Janet had anticipated getting in a bit
of professional reading before she did the same. But the medical journal lay open on
her lap, where it had rested, unread, for the past quarter hour.
You’re going to drive
yourself crazy with this, you know?
Janet
sighed, closed the publication and sat it aside before refilling her
mug. It was clear her brain was
not going to focus on the latest reports from the Journal of Infectious Diseases.
I still think I’m imagining
things, the
rational part of her insisted. He was unsettled, worried about the
colonel and having to go speak with him, but he didn’t really behave in any way that he hasn’t
before. She took a sip of her
tea. And besides, you’re just trying to get yourself worked up about
this again. The matter is settled. Has been settled for some time. And you’re doing just fine.
It had
not been easy, maintaining the resolution she’d made while standing in
the kitchen that night several months ago. She’d reined in her emotions and
hidden them away. She’d been
mindful not to spend too much time around him. In retrospect she might have pulled
back a bit much, at least at first, but the tactic had worked. Janet was confident now that her
motivations toward Daniel were primarily platonic.
From what
she could tell, Daniel had given little indication that he suspected anything
had changed. He had mentioned a couple
of times that they didn’t get to talk as often as before, and that he
missed that, but he’d graciously accepted every excuse of busy
schedule, parental responsibility, or medical duty that she’d thrown
his way.
There is some comfort, she noted stoically, that at least if there’s been any
mourning of something lost, it’s been entirely on my side.
And she
did mourn. Thankfully, such
instances were becoming few and far between. But her heart accepted that it was
part of the bargain she’d made with herself. There had been, and would continue to
be, those moments when some unexpected glimpse of him, some random smile or
comment, would make her heart skip a beat. When her thoughts would strive to
unearth what had been so carefully buried in secret.
I can live with it. I’m convinced it’s better
this way.
And it
was. Reflecting over the past couple
of months, she now felt more comfortable being in Daniel’s company
again, sharing the benefits of their friendship. In fact, it was as if she’d
returned to their former days – before she’d become aware of uninvited
feelings toward him – when they’d been so close and
companionable.
Her mind
settled with that thought, and after a few minutes she reached for the
medical journal once more.
She’d managed to read an entire page when she heard the knock.
Curious,
she glanced at the clock. It was nearing
eleven. Her neighborhood was
safe, so she felt no sense of fear or panic, but it suddenly occurred to her
that someone might be in need of her assistance. After all, most of her neighbors knew
she was a doctor. Without a
second thought she jumped up, nearly spilling her tea as she moved to set it
on the end table and got her bare feet twisted in the throw that had fallen
to the floor. There was a second
knock, louder this time, and she offered a quick, “I’m
coming,” as she made her way down the hall. Her mind was in full medical mode by
the time she unfastened the bolt and yanked open the door.
“Daniel?”
she blurted in disbelief as her mind struggled to resolve what it had been picturing
with the reality standing before her.
I didn’t even realize he
knew where I lived.
“Um,
I know it’s… it’s, um, late…” He stumbled over the words and his
hands were lodged firmly in the pockets of a pair of black corduroys. He was being careful not to look at
her. “And I realize
I’m probably disturbing you…” He swayed a little and Janet wondered
fleetingly if he were drunk. Then
he jerked one hand free of its prison and reached up, pinching the bridge of
his nose. “Actually, never
mind. I’m sorry to have
bothered you.” The hand retreated,
now to a pocket of the windbreaker he wore and Janet heard the distinctive
jingling of keys.
“I’m an idiot and I’m going to go now—”
He was
half-way down the porch stairs when Janet regained her senses and called him
back.
“Daniel,
it’s okay.” He
halted, but didn’t turn around and she took a step outside, hugging
herself against the Colorado
night breeze. “Is something
wrong?”
He
pivoted to face her and in the illumination provided by the porch light Janet
could see his face was drawn, his eyes red-rimmed.
“It’s
late,” he protested, with less conviction than before.
“But
you’re here and I was awake anyway.” When he continued to stand in silence
Janet rubbed the bare skin of her arms.
“Daniel, it’s cold.
Please, why don’t you come inside?”
Daniel
glanced over his shoulder, to where she could see his car parked in the
drive. His hesitation was
palpable but he seemed to come to a conclusion then and brushed past her,
never once meeting her eyes. Fighting
a sense of perturbation, Janet followed and closed the door behind them.
“Can
I get you anything? I was just
having some tea.”
Daniel
pointedly starred at the floor but offered a terse shake of his head.
Fine, let’s go for a more
direct approach,
Janet thought. Fixing him with
her gaze, silently willing him to look up at her, she said, “Daniel,
why are you here?”
“I
decided to get something to eat, after I left the base this evening. Went to that new Mexican place that
Sam had been raving about last week.” He kept shifting his weight from one
foot to the other and his gaze had only risen as far as the chair rail along
the wall. “I ordered
takeout, but it’s still sitting in the passenger seat – guess I
wasn’t as hungry as I thought.
So then I just kept driving… I don’t know where I thought I
was going, I just didn’t want to stop driving and—” he gestured,
as if reaching for the elusive thought, and then clenched a fist to punch in
frustration at the empty air.
Her
earlier notion returned, stirring a more sincere apprehension this time, and
she stepped forward, cautiously placing a hand on his arm. “Daniel, have you been drinking?”
She
didn’t know if it was her touch or the question, but Daniel jerked his
head up then.
“What?” His
tone was incredulous. “No,
of course not. I
just…” The flash of
vehemence dwindled and he shrugged.
“I just kept driving and then found myself here.”
She
turned, motioning for him to follow, and called out, her voice automatically
reflecting her more professional no-nonsense quality. “Let’s sit down and see if
we can’t figure this out.”
Making
certain he’d found his way to the den, Janet excused herself to
retrieve another mug. Upon
returning she noted he’d taken off his jacket, but had situated himself
in the farthest and darkest corner of her sofa. Without a word she flipped on the lamp
at that end then stepped past him to pick up the teapot. She filled his mug and sat, mindful to
leave a bit of space between them.
“Drink
this.”
He took
the mug without question and tasted.
He glanced up, not quite meeting her eyes. “Egyptian chamomile.”
She
nodded. “Good for what ails
you. Or so my grandmother always
said.”
His mouth
twitched. It wasn’t
anything like a smile, but it seemed the first positive response since
he’d arrived so Janet took it as a good sign. She picked the throw from the floor
and wrapped it around her shoulders.
Easing against the sofa back, she stretched her legs in front of her
and kept her gaze directed forward.
As an afterthought she reached for her own discarded mug and took a
sip.
“The
conversation with Jack,” Daniel began after some time, “did not
go well.”
Instinct
told her not to reply just yet.
“Afterward
I came back to base and found General Hammond had called us
together.” He paused,
clearing his throat. But Janet
didn’t miss the hint of prejudice in his tone when he began again. “Colonel Makepeace has been
assigned as the new leader of SG-1.”
That made
sense. And from what she knew of
the colonel, Janet guessed it would be a suitable match, given time. “Makepeace is a good man,”
she offered.
“I’m
sure he is,” Daniel replied, and now all pretense of neutrality was
gone. “But it seemed to me
that Sam should have been given command, even if she is only a major— um, no offense intended.”
She gave
a half-nod of acknowledgement, secretly pleased that he’d remembered
her recent promotion.
“Anyway,”
he went on, “I’m afraid I made it a point to tell the general
what I thought, right then and there in front of Makepeace.”
Janet took
a quick sip to hide her amused smile.
No doubt with your usual frank
persistence.
But her
mood turned serious again as Daniel raised his mug and scoffed,
“Here’s to Daniel Jackson, well-intentioned jerk, who not only says the wrong thing at the wrong time, but
also has amazingly flawed powers of perception.”
“That’s
not true.” The words were
out of her mouth in an instant.
“You’ll
have to forgive me for not believing you,” Daniel quipped. “But seeing as how your
assessment earlier today proved to be completely in the wrong, I think
I’m justified in my opinion.”
Janet
took a steadying breath.
Daniel’s anger wasn’t genuinely directed at her, but the
fact that he was taking it out on her indicated his pain ran a lot deeper
than she’d first assumed.
She searched her memory, trying to place his reference, but she came
up empty.
Turning
to face him, she tucked her legs beneath her and implored, “Daniel,
please tell me what’s bothering you.”
“I
can’t possibly be a good judge of character,” he spat, eyes fixed
on the mug which he held in a vise grip.
“Otherwise, Jack’s conduct wouldn’t be coming as
such a complete shock to me.”
She hesitated
to reach out to him physically, and so made her entreaty as gentle as
possible. “Tell me. What happened when you went to see him
today?”
He took a
deep breath, let it out slowly, and with deliberate care placed the mug on
the table beside him. “I
believed what you said, that there was some reason for his actions. And I wanted to believe that it was
something… I don’t know, something reasonable – at the very
least, something I could sympathize with. But everything I tried in our conversation,
every avenue I took just led to a dead end.” Daniel shook his head. “Turns out I don’t know
Jack O’Neill at all. He had
me completely fooled.”
Janet
couldn’t believe what she was hearing. But the hurt etched in every word left
her with no doubt that Daniel was convinced. Her gaze fell to her own empty mug and
she set it aside.
“If
that’s true, then he’s fooled us all.” She drew the throw a little tighter
around her shoulders.
“The
hardest part of it is trying to admit to myself that our friendship—”
he faltered and the anguish in his voice tore at Janet’s heart. “That what I thought was our friendship was all
based on my misjudgment…
That it was all a lie.”
She noticed his hands were shaking now. With a visible effort he turned and met
her eyes, no longer hiding the extent of his misery. “Janet, I don’t—”
“Come
here,” she whispered and opened her arms.
He seemed
momentarily indecisive, but then slipped from his corner to close the distance
between them. Janet slipped her
arm around his shoulder and pulled him against her, gathering the fleece
throw around them both. With one
small nudge she encouraged him to lay his head at the crook of her neck, and
as she rested her cheek against his hair, Janet felt him begin to relax.
A warning
sparked in the corner of her mind.
During recent months, as additional means of orchestrating an
emotional retreat, she had chosen to curtail the innocent physical contact
she’d often offered to him before.
And the ease with which she’d thrown that restrain aside now
gave her pause.
He’s still my friend, she silently asserted. And
he’s had a serious blow today.
There’s nothing wrong with offering a compassionate hug, to be
here for him when he needs me most.
As if to add emphasis to her thoughts, Janet pulled him a little
closer and rubbed affectionately where her hand rested against his upper arm.
After a
while she noticed that Daniel’s breathing had slowed and he’d
slid his arms around her waist.
That, added to how nice this entire arrangement felt, fueled the
caution still niggling at the back of her mind. But she continued to push such alarms
aside, confident this was nothing more than a friendly encounter.
“Thank
you,” he murmured into the stillness and Janet was relieved to hear the
serenity in his voice. “It
never seems to matter that you don’t have the answers to my problems,
because you manage to say or do something that somehow makes it better
anyway.” His embrace
tightened as he added, “Janet, you’re very special to me.”
Similar
words, from earlier that day, flashed in her memory. She felt Daniel stir beside her,
pulling away enough to be able to look at her. The same hint of emotion she’d
witnessed during that former incident was visible again, albeit less veiled
than before.
Something
inside her screamed to move, to break eye contact, to do something. She watched
Daniel lean in and heard her own surprised gasp.
The sound
was enough to arrest Daniel and Janet caught the doubt that darkened his
expression. He drew back so
quickly that she shivered from the loss of warmth. Her mind remained sluggish,
uncooperative, and she could only stare while he stood and jerked on his
jacket.
“Thank
you for the tea.” His tone
was short and stilted as he headed for the exit. In spite of her stupefaction Janet
somehow managed to follow.
She
wanted to apologize, to tell him it wasn’t his fault, even as another
part of her demanded to ask what the hell he’d thought he’d been
doing. Mostly she wished
he’d just stop this frantic, guilty behavior. But her brain seemed focused on
commanding her legs to function and she doubted there was any reserve to give
instruction to her mouth.
He was
fiddling with the doorknob now.
She was a little surprised he managed to turn it on the first try.
“And
thanks for listening to my rambling.” He kept his back to her, and the
strain in his voice was like a physical pain. “I’ll… good
night,” he finished in a rush and bolted out the door.
Still
dazed, Janet shut and locked the door.
She heard his car backing out the drive, the engine revving in his
haste to get away. By sheer
willpower she walked back into the den.
The mugs sat, each on opposite end tables,
and the fleece throw was askew across the back of the sofa. Suppressing an inexplicable shudder,
she turned off the lights, made her way to her room, and collapsed onto the
bed. Hours later, long after the
tears had ceased and her mind had grown numb from conflicting thoughts, she fell
asleep.
^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ *
Janet stopped
writing as she noticed her signature fading with each successive stroke. Grabbing a nearby memo pad she began
scratching the pen back and forth until, without warning, the paper ripped. Stifling a curse she hurled the pen
into the garbage bin and shoved back from her desk to rake a hand through her
short, dark hair.
It had
been over a week – a week since Colonel Jack O’Neill had gone off
the deep end and taken early retirement.
A week since SG-1 had been struggling to get accustomed to their new
marriage with Makepeace. A week
since Daniel Jackson had sat on her sofa and nearly kissed her.
She
hadn’t seen him since, other than an occasional encounter in the
corridor. He was avoiding
her. She was certain of it. But she simply couldn’t find it
in her to be angry with him. Not
when that pesky inner voice kept reminding her she’d been avoiding him
as well.
Our not-so-subtle attempt at
eluding one another is taking its toll.
“I don’t
want to go on like this,” she whispered to the empty room. They needed to talk about what had happened
– what had almost happened,
she corrected herself – and they needed to talk soon.
This entire
incident had reinforced her convictions that she wanted friendship and
nothing more. But she couldn’t
deny she’d been experiencing some inner conflict about that very issue
when Daniel had unexpectedly shown up on her doorstep. In the week since, she’d frequently
reviewed her actions from that night, wondering if somehow she’d
managed to give Daniel a wrong impression. And although any such misunderstanding
would have been unintentional, she hated how this implied she’d taken
advantage of his emotional state at the time.
The
announcement of an unscheduled incoming wormhole interrupted her musing and she
waited to see if a call for medical personnel would follow. When it didn’t, she slid her
chair toward her desk again. She
rummaged in the drawer for a new pen and, renewing her resolve, returned to
her paperwork. She had just
signed off on the second file when she heard the sound of someone clearing
his throat.
She
looked up, intuition telling her who it would be. “Daniel,” she
acknowledged, a bit surprised she sounded so composed.
He
lingered in the doorway, arms locked across his chest as he leaned against
the frame. She could tell he was
making an effort to appear at ease, as if this were any other ordinary visit
to the infirmary office. But he
wasn’t quite pulling it off.
“I,
um, just thought you’d like to know that Jack is back,” he said.
Janet didn’t
know if she felt more shocked or confused, and it was several seconds before
she managed a flustered, “What?”
A hand
reached up to unnecessarily reposition his spectacles. “As it turns out, Jack was on a
very specific, very undercover secret mission, at the request of the Asgard
and the Tollans.”
She
listened with growing interest as he shared the details.
“Well,”
she said, shaking her head in perplexity as the pieces melded into
place. “That certainly
explains a lot.”
“So
it would seem.”
Despite
the noncommittal quality of his tone, Janet suspected that Daniel had already
begun recovering from whatever damage this mission had done to his and
O’Neill’s friendship.
In time, she knew things between them would be back to normal.
And that works as well as anything
for a segue into what needs to be resolved between
us…
Screwing up her courage, she offered a small smile. “Looks like you aren’t
such a poor judge of character after all.”
A pained
expression flickered across his face but he quickly regained control. Meeting her eyes he replied,
“Yeah, about that… Janet, we need to talk.”
She
nodded and stood, indicating the empty chair on the other side of her
desk. When he lingered in the
doorway Janet felt a pang of annoyance.
She remained behind the desk, trying not to betray too much emotion,
and waited for him to continue.
He bit at
his lower lip but his voice was strong and steady when finally he spoke. “I apologize, Janet, for my
behavior at your home the other night.”
“It
wasn’t your fault,” she began, but he held up a hand, cutting her
off.
“I
was in a rather… vulnerable mood,” he confessed. “I needed reassurance. I needed comfort. I needed…” he waved a
hand, “some sign that my world wasn’t falling to pieces quite as
drastically as it seemed at the time.” He stepped farther inside, stopping
just short of her desk, and never once breaking eye contact. “And you offered all that, in friendship. I’m sorry that I tried to show
my appreciation for that in a way that I can’t—” he broke
off, gaze falling away.
So, was I mistaken? Her mind raced, trying to work out the
implications of everything he’d said. The way he’d emphasized the word
‘friendship’ seemed to indicate exactly where he stood.
He was
looking at her again, with a sort of tentative expectation, and Janet
belatedly realized he wasn’t going to add anything else to his last,
uncompleted statement.
“It’s
okay,” she said. “I
don’t think you did anything wrong, Daniel. But if you feel the need to apologize,
then I forgive you.”
He
relaxed, managing the first hint of a smile. “Thank you. I was afraid I’d nearly done
something to damage our friendship—”
She moved
around the desk before he could even finish. “Nonsense,” she assured,
taking his hand and giving it a gentle squeeze. “I know our friendship means too
much to you – to both of us – for that to happen.”
He nodded
in agreement and before the moment could become awkward again Janet released
his hand.
“Right…
so, at the moment Sam, Teal’c and I are all making Jack sweat it out a
little, regarding what he’s just put us through, but I’m pretty
sure we’ll end up going out later tonight. It’ll be simple, just a bite to
eat and a chance to give Jack some well deserved ribbing.” He reached up to scratch at the back
of his neck. “Would you,
maybe, like to join us?”
“That
would be nice.”
“Okay. Fine. Great.” He began backing toward the exit. “I’ll just contact you
later, once we get the details hammered out.”
That seemed entirely too easy, she reflected as he disappeared
around the corner. But before she
could analyze this assessment any further a new figure appeared in her
doorway – one of the nurses, a purposeful expression on her face.
“You’re
needed in the infirmary, Doctor,” the nurse said.
Janet
sighed but offered a quick nod and then followed her down the hall.
~ THE END
~
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