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Suggested
Rating: for teen and
older readers
Category: Daniel/Janet friendship with a hint of
UST thrown in
Setting: around the events of Serpent’s Song
Synopsis: Apophis tricks the Tauri into giving him
sanctuary, but everyone gets more than they bargained for in the deal.
Author’s
Comments: Part 10 in The Journey series. It had been a while since I wrote for
this particular series, as I took a “hiatus” to bask in my other
fandoms during the summer. So if
this story feels really different from anything you’ve been reading
thus far, you can blame it on George Lucas and Ioan Gruffudd. J Thanks to Sonia for helping me get
back in the swing of things with my writing, even though she was really busy
getting back in the swing of things with a new school year.
DISCLAIMER: All
publicly recognizable characters and places (the Stargate SG-1 stuff)
are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created
for entertainment only and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was
intended. Previously unrecognized
characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living
or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
JEOPARDY
- by
Michelle Lunsford (September 2005)
“I’ve
informed the President of our new situation.” Hammond’s
voice was disturbingly impassive as he continued, “Our new orders are
to cease all medical intervention.”
Janet blinked,
not quite certain she’d heard correctly. “That will effectively end his
life, General,” she reminded her superior officer with perhaps more
emphasis than was acceptable.
“I’m
aware of that, Doctor.”
A touch
of remorse now colored his tone but it did little to ease the anguish that
boiled in the pit of her stomach.
Janet somehow managed to keep her gaze leveled directly ahead but the
ongoing discussion receded in a blur as her attention focused inward.
I can’t believe this, she told herself, struggling to
maintain a calm facade. It
wasn’t the first time in her military career that Janet had faced the
dilemma of conflict between following orders of a superior and her
obligations as a medical doctor.
But this situation was different.
Never before had she felt so disregarded in the decision making
process, so unsupported by her friends and colleagues, or so absolutely
helpless.
She
wanted to leave, to just walk away from all this madness and forget it ever
happened. But the general was
still standing there, and her training served to keep her feet rooted in
place. Slowly she became aware of
Hammond
giving some final instruction, something to O’Neill about having
Apophis’ body ready to send through the Stargate. And as the general turned to leave,
Janet realized she would have to return to the infirmary now, to carry out
this final order of allowing the one under her care to die.
I don’t know if I can do
this, her inner
voice silently pleaded.
Determined not to break down – at least not here and now –
Janet sought frantically for something to bolster her weakening resolve. Gazing ahead at the large window, now
streaming with condensation caused from the extreme temperature in the
gate-room below, she suddenly noticed the reflection of the man standing just
behind her.
Normally,
sensing Daniel nearby would have been a source of comfort. She’d grown accustomed to his
familiar presence, and the habit he had developed of hovering just inside the
edge of her personal space was a quiet reminder of his friendship and
trust. But now it only served to
remind her of how totally alone she felt in the midst of this
predicament. She cast him a
sideways glance but he merely stared ahead.
Apparently
Daniel was oblivious to her discomfort, and this only added to her pain. Janet inhaled sharply and, clutching
her fists tightly at her side, quickly headed for the exit. She’d barely made it down the
steps and into the hallway when she felt the firm pressure of a hand on her
shoulder.
“Are
you alright?” Daniel’s
voice was soft but his eyes reflected a wary concern.
“I’m
fine,” she replied automatically.
A pair of
eyebrows arched behind his spectacles.
For goodness sake, Daniel, please
don’t get into this with me now! Janet silently pleaded, knowing her friend’s
persistence would prove to be the breaking point. Pulling away from his grasp she
asserted, “I have work to do.”
“Janet,
please,” he called, catching up with her again. “I know this situation is hard
on you but--”
“Oh
do you?” she shot in an incredulous tone. “How can you say that? How can you even dare to say that?”
She was
pleased to see that, for the moment at least, her outburst had stalled
him. With luck she just might
reach the elevator in time to prevent him from following her. But then he was there again, stepping
in front of her now to effectively block her path.
“Janet,
I only want to help,” Daniel said as he gently touched her arm.
“You
can’t,” she retorted, shrugging off his touch. She noted the hurt reflected in his questioning
gaze but now that the torrent had been unleashed her feelings seemed to rush
out of their own accord.
“You can’t because you don’t understand. None of you do.”
Daniel
opened his mouth but she cut him off before he could reply
“Yes,
I know what that Goa’uld has done – what he’s done to
countless planets, to this base, to SG-1, and yes even to you, Daniel – but Apophis and
his host are still my patients.” Her voice had grown strangely cool and
composed but she could feel the blood pumping through her as every muscle
tightened. “Although no one
seems to give a damn about that – they’re just glad to see an
enemy dying.”
He
reached toward her, trying again to speak, but she stepped back, refusing to
accept either words or gestures.
“Don’t,”
she warned, meeting his stupefied expression with a steely one of her
own. Already she could feel the
initial flood passing, could feel herself beginning to calm. But she pressed on, ignoring the tiny
warning in the back of her mind that she was about to reveal too much.
“At
least with the others I can’t say I’m all that surprised by their
reaction, no matter how much I might dislike it. But you…” she faltered,
her voice trembling with emotion.
“I wouldn’t have expected this from you,
Daniel.” Janet shook her
head, fighting back tears with the realization of just how betrayed she felt
in all this.
Daniel
stared at her, apparently dumbfounded.
Janet knew from his expression that she’d wounded him. Now that all the energy from her
tirade was spent, she felt her shoulders sag under this new weight. She regretted having allowed her
emotions to get the better of her.
And she regretted her confession, despite the fact it had expressed
how she truly felt. But before
she could even contemplate her next action the elevator doors opened and an
SF hurriedly stepped out.
“Doctor
Jackson,” the airman acknowledged with a curt nod, “Colonel
O’Neill requests your presence immediately.”
Janet
raised a hand to her forehead, fighting off an unexpected sense of dizziness. The colonel had left the control room
before she had, to carry out his orders to prep Apophis for a trip back
through the gate. Or to prep his dead body, she recalled
bitterly. She met Daniel’s
eye and saw he must have come to a similar conclusion. Pushing aside any further lamenting
over her previous argument with Daniel, Janet followed him and the SF into
the elevator and the nightmare waiting ahead.
^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ *
The
silence that lingered in the room after the gate shut down was deafening and
oppressive. Janet, hands shoved
deep into the pockets of her lab coat, kept her gaze aimed at the floor as
she moved purposefully toward the exit.
She was vaguely aware of the fact that everyone else had remained
still. Daniel’s silent
suffering seemed to radiate out in waves as she walked past, but with effort
she managed not to glance in his direction.
Just as
she stepped beyond the door into the hallway Janet heard his voice as he
imperturbably asked the others, “What now?”
What now indeed, Janet wondered, quietly making
her way back to the infirmary.
Now that
the ordeal was over she felt bone weary.
But duty remained and somehow she managed to finish the last few hours
of her shift. Janet knew she was
acting like some automaton, maintaining the barest minimum of professionalism
and civility in dealing with her staff and patients. She completed only what was absolutely
necessary before closing her personal office for the night. There were two other women in the
locker room when Janet arrived but she avoided eye contact and changed from
her uniform without a word. There
was some relief in knowing she could finally leave this place and return to
the comfort of home. Yet the most
difficult part was still before her; she’d have to put up a brave front
for Cassie, to not allow her daughter to know how deeply today’s events
had troubled her.
Janet
managed a slight nod to the guard’s customary greeting as she made her
way topside. The night air was
cool and she shivered slightly before pressing the indention on her key that
would unlock her car.
It was
only when she reached her vehicle that Janet saw him. He was standing in front of his own
car, leaning against the hood, arms crossed. She recalled then how he’d
pulled into the parking space beside her that morning, having arrived at
nearly the same moment as she.
They’d entered the mountain together, chatting and enjoying one
another’s company. It felt
like a lifetime ago.
“I’ve
been standing here for a good twenty minutes arguing with myself whether or
not to go back inside and try to find you,” Daniel said. He was still facing away from her, but
obviously he’d heard her approach.
“It’s
late,” Janet began with a heavy sigh. She hated that their earlier argument
lingered, unresolved between them, but she just didn’t think she had it
in her to face him right now.
Opening her car door she tossed her purse inside to the passenger’s
seat and went on, “I’m very tired, Daniel. I just want to go home.”
“Of
course,” Daniel replied, turning slowly to face her. “I understand.”
She
couldn’t quite make out his expression – the light from the
parking security lamps was reflecting off his glasses – but his tone
had sounded steady enough. Wearily
Janet eased behind the wheel. She
mumbled a barely audible “goodnight” and reached for the door but
suddenly Daniel was standing there preventing her from shutting it
completely.
“But
if you should feel better, once you get home, that is…” His words tumbled out quickly, and
there was no mistaking the hint of desperation this time. Nor was there any reflection to mask
his eyes, widened slightly with brows drawn tight over them. “What I mean is you can call, no
matter how late it is. You know
that, don’t you?”
Of course I know that, Janet thought ruefully as she
leaned her forehead against the steering wheel. Part of her wanted to be angry at
Daniel. Why couldn’t he
simply skulk off and brood somewhere instead of resorting to near pleading
with her? Couldn’t he see
she preferred to be left alone?
Simultaneously she hated herself for even harboring such selfish
thoughts. Her friend was merely
attempting to make things right between them. And the level to which he was reaching
only served to indicate just how much she’d hurt him.
“There
won’t be any phone call tonight,” she said, pushing the car door
open further so she had room to step out.
“There
won’t?” Daniel’s clarification seemed to be somewhere
between confusion and remorse.
Janet
shook her head and closed the car door before turning to face him. “No, there won’t. Because we need to talk, Daniel. And what we need to say
shouldn’t be discussed over the phone.” She sighed, finally admitting what
she’d known all along.
“And it doesn’t need to be put off just because I
don’t feel like facing it right now.”
“Oh,”
Daniel replied. Slipping his
hands into his pockets he rocked forward slightly on the balls of his
feet. “Would you like to go
back inside, then? Or perhaps
somewhere else?”
She shook
her head again. “No, right
here will be fine.”
“Okay.”
The hands
remained safely in their pockets but at least he was still now. And as the silence lingered Janet
realized she was going to have to speak first. Fair
enough, she silently conceded.
Taking another few seconds to organize her thoughts, she took a deep
breath and began.
“First
I want to apologize. I allowed my
emotions to get the better of me and spoke more harshly than I
intended.” Janet
purposefully met his eyes.
“Daniel, I’m sorry that I hurt you.”
He
didn’t respond immediately and as the seconds ticked by in slow
succession Janet began to entertain the first notions of genuine worry.
“I
forgive you,” Daniel finally answered, his voice warm and genuine.
Janet
released a breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding. “Thank you.” Now she was unsure whether or not to
follow through with what she’d intended next. But, in the end, she knew she had to
be honest.
“Still,
I have to admit, this situation was very difficult for me. I felt very isolated in what I was
doing, lacking in the understanding and support of my friends – support
on which I’ve come to rely.”
She suddenly crossed her arms tightly across her midsection, unsure if
the self-hug was in response to the brisk night or her feelings. “I know that my job isn’t
easy,” she went on.
“I accepted that as part of the deal. But I don’t ever, ever want to face another situation in
my work feeling like it’s me against everyone else.”
Daniel
moved closer. “I am sorry that you felt alone in all
this.” Reaching up to
gently squeeze her shoulder he added, “Especially since you were never
alone at all.”
Janet
blinked and stared up at him.
“How can you say that?” she began, some of her earlier
frustration returning.
He held
up a hand to stall any further comment.
“Hold on and just hear me out. Please.”
With a
steadying breath Janet managed a quick nod of agreement.
“I
know the way everyone was behaving, and the things they were saying –
Jack and Teal’c in particular.
But you must not interpret that as meaning that everyone was oblivious
to the difficulty of your own role in all this.” He stepped even closer, bringing his
other hand up to rest on her opposite shoulder. “Please try to understand, Janet. While you may know all the things that Apophis has done to us, it’s not
the same thing as experiencing what
he’s done to us.”
For a
moment Daniel closed his eyes and Janet could easily imagine he was battling
once again the myriad internal demons he often struggled to keep at bay.
“This
was hard on all of us,” he
went on, meeting her eyes again.
“And we all had to come to terms with facing one of our worst
enemies even while acknowledging that an innocent host was dying too.”
She felt the
reassuring pressure of his hands against her shoulders as he gently squeezed
them again.
“You
were there when we sent his body through to Sokar,” Daniel reminded
her. “Surely you felt the
turmoil everyone was experiencing in that moment.”
The
sincerity Janet sensed from him was enough to break through the torment
she’d been nurturing all day.
Yes, nurturing, her inner voice chastised. You
were so busy waging your private little medical war that you never stopped to
consider the pain everyone else was facing.
Unexpectedly
her mind was filled with images from those final moments, when Apophis had
finally died and the host alone remained. She recalled how even then she’d
sensed the discomfort in O’Neill as he’d stood beside her. And then there was Daniel. He’d graciously and beautifully
performed an act of last rites for this poor dying man he didn’t even
know – for this man who had served as a host to the monster who had
stolen and impregnated his beloved wife.
Remorse
and self-reproach washed over her then and she jerked herself from
Daniel’s grasp.
“Damn
those Goa’uld,” she cursed under her breath, striking off in the
opposite direction as emotion worked its way out through her rhythmic
footsteps. She might have walked
all the way home had Daniel not caught up with her.
“Let
me go,” she countered, attempting to shrug him off when he reached for
her hand. But this time his grasp
held firm.
“Now,
now,” he whispered soothingly, “you’re welcome to be angry
at them but not at me.”
His
affectionate determination combined with her exhaustion and personal guilt
finally got the better of her.
And as Janet ceased her struggle the tears began to flow, unbidden,
down her cheeks.
“Crap!”
she muttered, falling back on one of the few O’Neill-isms she’d
picked up, and stomping her foot in one last protest, childish though she
knew it was.
“Hey,
it’s okay,” he assured.
Smiling slightly he reached up and tenderly wiped the dampness from
her cheeks. And then, to
Janet’s further surprise, he pulled her to him in a tight embrace. “Everything is going to be
okay.”
His
kindness brought a resurgence of her tears but Janet didn’t fight them
this time. Instead she buried her
face in his chest and cried softly, wrapping her arms around his waist in
acceptance of the comfort and protection she felt.
She
wasn’t sure how much time had passed but eventually her tears
subsided. Daniel said nothing but
continued to hold her, occasionally pulling her a little tighter or lightly
rubbing a hand across her back in a soothing gesture. Janet gratefully accepted these simple
acts, relishing the moment. She
was delightfully warm.
Daniel’s arms felt so very strong around her. The wool of his sweater was soft
against her cheek and he smelt of aftershave, old books, and coffee. Reflexively she nestled a little
closer, inhaling deeply to take in more of the pleasant scent.
For the
barest fraction of a moment Janet would have sworn that he responded by
drawing her tighter into the embrace and nuzzling his face against the top of
her head. Then, just as quickly,
she sensed a slight tension in his arms and back. He pulled away almost imperceptibly
and reality came crashing in with a harsh awareness.
What do you think you’re
doing?! sanity
screeched in her head. Daniel is a friend, but he’s also
– at least at times - your patient. More importantly he is – at all
times – a married man. Get
a grip on yourself!
With as
much nonchalance as she could muster, Janet extricated herself from him. She was now poignantly aware of a
searing sense of cold and loss which she suspected had very little to do with
the current temperature and which only served to accentuate her distinct
feeling of awkwardness.
“I’m,
uh, glad we could talk,” she finally managed. Turning back toward her car –
and a little startled to realize how relieved she felt at seeing her means of
further escape – she went on, “But it’s getting late. I should head home.”
“I’m
glad we could talk too,” Daniel replied, falling into step beside her.
Janet
suddenly noticed her pace was such that he was taking nearly full strides to
keep up.
“Are
you sure everything is alright, though?” Daniel asked as they reached
her car.
“Yes,
yes, of course. I’m just
tired, is all.” A ludicrous
response, she knew, considering she’d practically run across the
parking lot. Determined not to
arouse Daniel’s suspicions further she turned to face him, striving for
a tone of friendly concern as she asked, “And what about you? Is everything okay now?”
He
smiled, a small but completely genuine smile. “Yes. I’m okay now.” Reaching around her he opened her car
door. “Tell Cassie I said
hello. And drive safe.”
They
exchanged good-night farewells and then Janet was on the road, driving by
rote memory alone as her mind whirled.
It was not the first time she’d noted some hint, some glimmering
sign that perhaps she could feel more toward Doctor Daniel Jackson than just
friendship.
Still, she attempted to reassure
herself as her hands gripped the wheel, it
doesn’t mean I have to give in to those feelings. What happened tonight… that was
a fluke. I was just tired and
stressed from all the horrible events of today. It caught me off guard. But I won’t let it happen
again. He is a good friend,
and I will not do something to
jeopardize that friendship.
Nodding
her head to emphasize her own thoughts Janet took a deep breath and brought
her focus back to the road and her driving. But despite all her inner
rationalization she couldn’t shake the apprehension associated with
what had occurred tonight.
Neither could she forget the sensations of warmth, comfort, and joy
that she’d experienced while in Daniel’s arms.
Oh how I wish today had never even
happened…
“Damn
those Goa’uld,” she muttered softly to herself. “Them and all their hellish,
manipulative tactics.”
~ FINIS ~
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