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Suggested
Rating: for teen and
older readers
Category: Daniel/Janet friendship
Setting: post-Secrets
Synopsis: Daniel endures another trip through
the emotional ringer and once again turns to his friend
Author’s
Comments: Part 8 in The Journey series. Thanks to my beta and editor, Sonia.
DISCLAIMER: All
publicly recognizable characters and places (the Stargate SG-1 stuff)
are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and
Double Secret Productions. This
piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment only and no infringement
on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognized characters and
places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living
or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the
author.
CAR TALK
- by
Michelle Lunsford (April 2005)
In the
stillness of night Daniel could just make out the low moaning of the wind,
its subtle movement tugging at the edges of the tent. The aroma of spices from their evening
meal lingered in the air, mixed with the ever present fragrance of desert
life. It was hot, but not
uncomfortably so, and if he kept his eyes closed and didn’t move
he’d no doubt doze off again.
A soft,
familiar sigh echoed to his left, pulling his consciousness back from the edge
of sleep. Slowly Daniel opened
his eyes and smiled contentedly as he focused on the silky mass of dark curls
that draped across an equally soft shoulder. He shifted, just enough to move his
arm, and lovingly traced the exposed skin with his fingertips, careful not to
wake her. He lay there for
several seconds, just staring at the woman next to him. Shifting again, he slid a little
closer and Sha’re snuggled against him in her
sleep.
The wind
continued its dance with the tent flaps and drowsiness beckoned once
more. Along the perimeter of his
perception Daniel sensed fingers running through his hair, hesitantly at
first, and then a second time with more assurance.
“Dan’yel.”
Her
soothing whisper wrapped around him like a favorite blanket. He loved the sound of her voice and
the way she spoke his name, and although the warm comfort of sleep was
tempting he fought against it, hoping Sha’re
might repeat her murmurings.
There was
a touch at his shoulder, and something lightly shook him. “Dan’yel.”
It was
louder this time and overlapped with the unmistakable cold timbre of a Goa’uld symbiote. Panic clutched at Daniel’s heart
and he tensed, coming fully awake as he scrambled away from the figure at his
side. He jerked around to face
her and knew what he’d see – evil and hatred – reflected in
the distinctive glowing of his wife’s eyes.
“Just
keep away from me!”
Daniel’s throat was dry and his voice cracked as he called out.
“Daniel?”
The apprehensive
tone sliced through the fog in his head.
The voice wasn’t Goa’uld any
longer. It wasn’t Sha’re’s either. Daniel realized he was breathing hard
and squeezed his eyes shut to focus on regaining control. Slowly he became aware that his
surroundings had changed. It was
quiet, and the only scent was of old books and stale coffee.
“Are
you all right?”
He recognized
the voice then and opened his eyes, blinking in the unexpected brightness cast
by his lamp. He could just make
out Janet’s expression, concerned and silently questioning, as she
stood warily at the edge of his desk.
“Yeah,”
he replied, licking parched lips.
He shook his head slightly in an attempt to shake off the final
vestiges of the dream. “I
guess, um… I must have fallen asleep.”
“I’m
sorry,” Janet said. She
hastily shoved her hands into the pockets of her jacket and Daniel got the
impression her demeanor was almost guilty. Momentarily averting her eyes she
added, “I didn’t mean to startle you.”
“No,
it’s okay,” he assured. “I was, um…” He began to sift through the stack of
papers and reference materials on his desk but quickly gave up when he
realized he couldn’t even recall what he’d been working on when
he’d dozed off. A little hesitantly
he glanced up, meeting Janet’s gaze. “I was dreaming,” he
confessed, hoping she wouldn’t press him for more.
The look
on her face softened then and one hand pulled from the confines of a pocket
to rest gently on his arm.
“Daniel,
you’re exhausted. And
you’ve had a very trying day.
Why don’t you go home?”
Home, he thought wretchedly. Do
I even know where, or what, that is anymore? Sighing heavily he shook his head and
offered his typical excuse.
“I have work to do.”
“The
others went home,” Janet replied steadily. “I think Teal’c even went
with the colonel, to stay at his place for the night.”
Daniel dropped
his gaze. If her eyes
hadn’t reflected such genuine compassion, he’d have accused her
of attempting to throw a guilt trip on him. Although the short debriefing
he’d endured earlier had been little more than perfunctory it had been
enough to tell him that Sam and Jack had suffered their own trials
today. Still, Janet’s
casual comment communicated just how much the death of that reporter had
impacted Jack.
He sighed
again. “I’ll just
work for a little while longer, and then crash in my quarters on base.”
The small
hand still resting on his arm gave a delicate squeeze. “Is there some reason you
don’t want to go home?”
He
realized what Janet was doing, and part of him wanted to give in and accept
that balm of friendship. It would help to talk to her, his
inner voice urged. But he
couldn’t even begin to find the words. There was only pain, anger, and regret
– all too fresh and vivid in his mind.
“It
doesn’t matter if I’m at my apartment or here,” he admitted
as his gaze deliberately located the picture of Sha’re
on his desk. “It all feels
the same. It all hurts the same.”
“I
think I understand what you mean.
And I hope you know that I’m not trying to… I mean, I
don’t want to speak out of turn.” Her voice was so soft, comforting
somehow. She squeezed his arm
again before continuing, “But for what it’s worth, I would feel better knowing
you’d gone home to rest, rather than staying on base for the
night.”
He
didn’t understand why he felt so reluctant. And he certainly didn’t want to
fight with Janet about this.
Pinching the bridge of his nose Daniel answered, “I’m just
so tired. I’m not…
I’m not sure I should be driving right now.”
“Then
I’ll drive you,” she offered, as if it were the most natural
thing in the world.
“Don’t
be ridiculous,” Daniel argued.
He waved a hand, indicating her civilian attire. “You were already on your way
home, and it’s late – I’m sure Cassie is expecting
you. Besides, it’s out of
the way.”
“It’s
not that much out of the way and I can call Cassie. She’ll understand.”
“And
then how am I supposed to get back to work in the morning, if my car is here?”
Janet
simply shrugged. “No
problem. I’ll pick you up
on my way in tomorrow.”
He was
beginning to feel exasperated now, and although the last thing he wanted to
do was hurt a friend he really wished she’d just go away and leave him
alone. Shaking his head adamantly
Daniel returned his attention to the work on his desk. “No, really, I’ll be fine
staying here tonight. Don’t
worry about me.”
“And
just how do you expect me to do that?” Her voice was tight, almost
accusatory, and immediately Daniel turned to look at her. “I’m sorry,” she quickly
apologized, and as her eyes fell to study her shoes she pulled her hand
away. There was now a distinct
coolness where her touch had been, and Daniel felt an unexpected sense of
loss.
“No,
I’m sorry,” he replied, slowly standing to face her. “You’re my friend –
of course you’re worried about me.
And I know all you want to do is help. It’s just that…” he
trailed off, shrugging helplessly.
“Then
let me drive you home,” she suggested again. “Please.”
Any
reserve of stubbornness he’d been holding to slipped away in the
sincerity of that friendly plea. “All
right,” he acquiesced.
“Give me a few minutes to get changed, and I’ll meet you
topside.”
^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ *
After
making certain Janet knew the directions to his apartment, Daniel fell mute,
staring unseeing out the passenger window. A hint of expectancy filled the
atmosphere between them but somehow he knew Janet wouldn’t press him to
talk in this particular instance.
I don’t know how she does
that, he
reflected silently. Always seeming to know whether to ask me
outright or to simply let me open up on my own.
As they
pulled onto the main highway Daniel took a deep breath and released it
slowly. Just pick somewhere and start, he inwardly berated. Forcing his gaze forward he asked
aloud, “Do you ever get tired of fighting?”
“Sometimes,”
she replied.
He nodded
but didn’t say anything more, quietly wrestling with how best to put
his thoughts into words.
“It’s
just so overwhelming, you know?” he finally began again. “Just when I think it
couldn’t get any worse…” His hands fidgeted nervously in his
lap as he conceded, “I know it helps to talk about it, but I feel a
little guilty about always dumping my problems on you.”
“Wasn’t
it Aristotle who said something about how talking to friends has the effect
of doubling one’s joys and halving one’s grief?” Her tone was kind, accepting. “I don’t consider our
talks to be you dumping on me, Daniel.
I want you to always feel free to come to me, anytime about
anything. Understood?”
“Yes,”
he replied. He’d known as
much, but it was reassuring to be reminded. “And I appreciate that.”
He watched
a couple of cars pass from the opposite direction before going on. “I think part of what bothers me
so much about this time is all the conflicting emotion. On the one hand there’s the
anger. I hate what Apophis and Amonent have done
to her, what they’ve forced her to endure.”
Daniel
noted his hands had automatically clenched into tight fists and he forced
them to relax. “But at the
same time… I mean, for a while she truly was Sha’re
and--” He leaned back against
the head rest, eyes shutting against the threat of tears as he confessed,
“It was just so good to see her again – to be with her, to hold
her, to tell her...”
He felt a
momentary pressure on his arm as Janet gave it a sympathetic squeeze. “It’s okay that you feel
that way, Daniel. And it
doesn’t surprise me that you do.
If there’s ever any shred of something good in the midst of the
madness, you’ll always be the one to find it.”
The
undeniable confidence of her comment caught Daniel a little off guard. He quickly glanced at her but couldn’t
make out her expression in the dark.
“And
I think it was good you were able to be with Sha’re
during all this,” Janet continued.
Another car passed and in the momentary reflection from its headlights
Daniel noted that her hands gripped the wheel tightly. “I can’t imagine how it
must have been for her, dealing with the pregnancy and everything. But when it mattered most, you were
there for her. You were able to tell her you love
her. And I can’t help but
think that it must have helped – it will give her added strength to
keep fighting.”
There was
a sense of comfort – of hope – in Janet’s words and he
clung to them. His gaze drifted
forward again and when he spoke his voice was little more than a
whisper. “When it was time,
when the baby came… he was so small, so beautiful and
innocent.” He swallowed
hard. “Another victim of Goa’uld cruelty.”
“But
now he has a fighting chance,” Janet reminded. “He has a chance to be
safe.”
“Yes,”
Daniel agreed, buoyed again by his friend’s assurances. “You know, during the birth, I
kept thinking – I mean, I’ve delivered a baby before but I kept
wishing that somehow you had been there.” As soon as the acknowledgement was
spoken his thoughts unexpectedly took a new turn. Maybe
you wanted her there for the emotional strength she always offers more so
than for any medical reasons.
“I’m
sure you did just fine,” she encouraged.
“You’d
like her.” Daniel
wasn’t certain why he’d suddenly felt the need to say that, but
in that moment, it simply felt right.
Turning to look at her he added, “And I know Sha’re
would like you too.”
“And
someday we’ll get the chance to prove you right,” Janet
answered. In the quick glance she
cast his direction, before returning her attention to the road,
Daniel could just make out the shadow of her smile.
^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ *
Daniel
stood in the small lobby of his apartment building, occasionally glancing out
the front door. Janet had called
from her cell a few minutes before to say she was on her way. The sun was bright this morning and
the sky a vivid blue, but there was a brisk wind evidenced by the dancing of
a sign post across the street and the wild flapping of coat tails as people
walked past.
Not too unlike my mood, he mused.
There was
no doubt that his chat with Janet last night had been beneficial. Her attentive listening, encouraging
words, and friendly hug when she’d dropped him off at the door had all
helped begin the long process of breaking through the pervasive cloud that
had hung over him. He knew the
struggle was far from over, but at least he was headed in the right
direction. He’d even been
able to get a little sleep last night.
And if you’d persisted in
being a stubborn idiot and stayed on base, he told himself, that would not have been the case.
The
familiar vehicle pulled up at the curb and Janet waved a friendly hello as he
exited the building.
“Good
morning,” she said brightly as he slid in the passenger seat.
He’d
discovered some time ago that Janet was definitely a morning person – a
fact that sometimes proved quite irritating. But her ardency was proving infectious
today and Daniel found himself matching her smile as he turned to offer a
sincere – if slightly less enthusiastic – greeting.
“And
how is the good doctor today?” she asked, maneuvering the car into
traffic.
“Better,”
he replied honestly.
“Glad
to hear it.”
Daniel
tugged the strap of his seatbelt into a slightly more comfortable position
and cleared his throat.
“Listen, I know I said thanks last night, when you dropped me
off, but I just wanted to mention again how much I appreciate what you
did. Insisting I go home for the
night, offering to drive me, and then talking…” He turned to look at her before
continuing, “You’ve become a very dear friend to me, Janet. I just don’t know how I can
thank you enough.”
She
flashed him another smile, but before returning her gaze to the road she
playfully quipped, “Well, you could always begin by buying me a really
big cup of my favorite coffee.
I’ll drive through Starbucks on our way to the base.”
Daniel
smiled again in spite of himself.
Yesterday,
just before leaving Abydos, Jack had asked if he was
okay. And he’d replied in
pure candidness, No… but I will
be. At the time he’d
had no idea exactly how the I will be part
of that was going to come about.
But now it didn’t seem the least bit surprising that the woman
sitting across from him was primarily responsible.
“I’ll
agree, with one stipulation – I can buy a really big cup of my favorite coffee too.”
“That,
my friend, is a deal,” Janet declared, and she
pressed the accelerator as they sped down the highway.
~ FINIS ~
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