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Title: Saying Goodbye
Suggested
Rating: for teen and older
readers
Category: Daniel/Janet friendship
(romance?), drama, angst
Spoilers: Meridian
Author’s Comments: I realize that within the confines of
an hour-long television program (that’s approximately 42 minutes with
commercial breaks) that there simply isn’t time to show everything that
is going on in a particular episode story. Although during the events of Meridian, we got
to see several of Daniel’s friends share a personal
“moment” with him, I’m sure there were many more friends
who we did not see – and one friend in particular. So this is my idea of how that
“moment” might have played out between Daniel and Janet.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly
recognizable characters and places (the Stargate SG-1 stuff) are the
property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was
created for entertainment only and no infringement on copyrights or
trademarks was intended.
Previously unrecognized characters and places, and this story, are
copyrighted to the author. Any
similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended
by the author.
SAYING GOODBYE
By Michelle Lunsford (2003)
Doctor
Janet Frasier ran the scanner slowly up and down Daniel’s body, paying
special attention to his arms and hands.
Finally, after multiple showers of scrubbing with both soap and
chemicals, the radiation levels had lowered to within safe parameters.
"That's
looking better," she said, setting the scanner on a nearby shelf. As she pulled off her rubber gloves,
Janet wondered why her tone had seemed to suggest she was referring to
something along the lines of a superficial wound, as opposed to deadly
radiation exposure. Was
attempting to deny the situation really going to make this any easier? Fighting a sigh, she faced
Daniel. "We've gotten one of
the observation rooms set up for you.
Let's get you settled in there, and then I can see about bandaging
those hands."
Daniel
simply nodded, and moved to follow her.
"Have
a seat on the bed," she instructed as they entered the room.
Her eyes
did a quick survey. Her staff had
been busy - and efficient.
Everything was in order.
Even the supplies for bandaging had been laid out. Exuding gratitude, she quietly shooed
her staff out of the room, much as she had in the shower area. Daniel was still being terribly quiet,
and Janet couldn't shake the feeling that the last thing he wanted - or
needed - right now was a bunch of
nurses milling about while he tried to come to terms with all this. Expertly pulling on a fresh pair of
gloves, Janet moved towards the bed as the last nurse filed out the door.
"Now,
let's have a look--" she halted as Daniel suddenly drew back from
her. Janet felt her heart
constrict a notch tighter.
"I know it hurts, Daniel.
But we need to get your hands bandaged. And the salve will help with the
pain. Let me take care of
you. Please."
'Yes,'
she thought, 'I need to be able to
care for you, Daniel. I can't
cure you - not this time. Don't
take away the one thing I can offer.'
"Are
you sure it's safe to touch me?" Daniel asked, his voice hesitant as he
kept his hands just out of her reach.
So that
was it. She should have
known. Leave it to Daniel to be
worried about the safety of others even in the midst of his own jeopardy. It was just one more
reason why this was so damnably unfair.
"It's
safe," she assured.
"The radiation levels have dropped enough. I promise. Now let me have a look."
With a
sigh, Daniel offered his hands.
Janet set to her task, making certain to handle him with even more
tenderness than usual, and trying not to think about how each act in this
process was one more item on a list of things she would never be able to do
for him again.
"What's
going to happen?" he asked, after a few seconds of silence.
Janet met
his eyes, and nearly lost her control with what she saw reflected there.
"I
mean, I know what the end result is going to be," he went on, "but
how exactly is it going to play out?"
Janet
hesitated. She didn't have
extensive experience with radiation exposure, but she’d had
enough. How could she possibly
tell him?
His gaze
bore into hers. "Janet, I
need to know. I need… to
know what to expect.
Please."
Janet
knew that Daniel thrived on information, on knowledge. It was his way of coping with
the world. She couldn't
deny him this, even if she wanted to.
In the end, her desire to help him outweighed her wish to protect him
from the horrid truth. Drawing a
ragged breath, she began to paint the picture of his future torment.
Janet
focused on dividing her concentration between dressing his hands, laying out
the details of the rapid degeneration that would be caused by his radiation
exposure, and watching Daniel's reaction. He took in each piece of information
calmly, wordlessly, his eyes fixed on her meticulous work of his hands. Janet finished the last of the
gruesome facts just as she completed the wrappings. Then she simply stood there, rooted in
place. She couldn't bring herself
to release his hands - as if somehow maintaining this minimal contact would
be enough to keep him from being taken from her altogether.
"Thank
you," Daniel said softly. He
made no move, seemingly content to let his hands remain where they were,
resting in hers.
"You
should experience some relief now," she said. "The ointment will soothe the
burning, at least somewhat."
"That’s
not exactly what I meant," Daniel replied, locking his gaze with hers
again. "Thank you for being
honest with me about what's going to happen over the next several hours. Thank you… for always being so
kind to me - for always taking care of me. Thank you for everything."
The
fondness Janet heard in his tone filled her with a flurry of emotions. But she also detected the resignation
there. She hadn't really expected
any less of him, but the impression that he was already intent on beginning
his good-byes raised her ire once more against the injustice of the
situation. She knew the
inevitable would come, but she wasn't ready to face the prospect of a
farewell - not yet.
"Oh,
Daniel - don't…" Janet
gave in to her tears.
"Hey
now, don’t start that."
Daniel's admonition was warm and affectionate. "You'll get me going too."
"I'm
sorry," Janet stammered. She
gently squeezed his fingers, the only part of his hands not covered in
bandages. Abandoning all pretense
of regaining control, she exclaimed, "It just makes me so angry! I know my anger won't do any good -
that it won't help the situation at all - but this is just so… unfair."
"Believe
me, Janet, I know how you feel."
The words
were sincere, but Janet couldn't help raising an eyebrow in skepticism. "You're being awfully calm for
someone who's so angry."
Daniel
looked away then, and Janet detected the hint of a tremble in his jaw. When he spoke, his voice was barely
more than a whisper.
"Let's
just say that I'm deciding not to waste the time and energy I have left on
feelings that won't be worth anything in the end."
Despite
the circumstances, Janet couldn't help but smile. "You never cease to amaze
me," she admitted.
"You're strength of will, your perseverance…"
There
were suddenly too many things she wanted to say. 'And not enough time to say them,' she
thought bitterly.
Daniel's
eyes found hers again, and Janet made no attempt to hide the depth of
affection she knew was echoed in her expression. Maybe it was too late to say all those
things she'd often considered making known, but at least she could let him
catch a glimpse of her feelings.
"So
this is the real reason why you always play the 'tough doctor'
routine?” he teased.
“Because if you let your true feelings show through, you'll end
up making the patient uncomfortable with your blatant regard?"
There was
an attempted lightheartedness in his manner, but tears were shinning in his
own eyes now. And Janet hadn't
missed that his stare never faltered from her own.
"That's
only true for certain patients," she confessed, tears falling
freely. "If I let my true
feelings show through, I can't do my job effectively."
Daniel's
smile was slight, but genuine.
"I'd say you're being pretty effective right now."
Janet
gave a tiny shrug. "But the
truth is, I'm probably going to hate myself for this later on."
Daniel
sighed. Reaching up, he gently
wiped a tear from her cheek.
"Dear Janet - always being the strong one… for all of
us." He pulled her a step
closer. "I think, just this
once, at least for a few minutes, I need you to forget about being my doctor
– and just be my friend."
Daniel’s
voice broke on his last statement and Janet felt something catch in her
throat. She swallowed hard,
fighting not to break down completely.
Allowing Daniel to pull her closer, Janet wrapped her arms around his
shoulders and let him bury his face against her neck. Just this once, she would hold him
– she would give him the chance to be in this safe place she’d
made for him, and she would dare anyone to tell her it wasn’t appropriate,
that it wasn’t right.
She stood
there, holding him tightly against her, even after she realized he’d
spent his own tears. She knew
this simple physical contact would offer more comfort than anything medically
she could provide, and there would be no opportunity for such actions
later. Eventually, even a simple
touch would be torture to him.
“I
wish I could tell you it was going to be all right this time,” Janet
whispered against his ear.
“But we both know I can’t. All I can tell you is that you
won’t go through this alone.
You’re friends are all going to be right her with
you.” She squeezed him even
tighter. “And I’ll be
here. That much I promise, Daniel
– I won’t leave you.”
Daniel
slowly pulled away, his eyes finding hers. There was a new sense of determination
there, intermingled with immense gratitude.
“I
know.” He managed a small
smile. “And I know
you’re going to do everything you can to make this as easy for me as
possible.” He took her
hands again. “But I need
you to promise me one more thing.
Promise me you won’t blame yourself because you can’t do
anything to stop me from dying.”
She
didn’t know how she’d do it, but she would. She couldn’t deny him
anything now.
“I
promise,” she whispered.
Daniel
held her gaze, a comfortable silence hanging between them. “You’re very special,
Janet,” he said suddenly.
“I only wish…”
A soft sigh escaped his lips.
“I wish I’d told you that more often.”
Janet
squeezed his fingers, where they gently clasped her hand, not trusting
herself to reply any more than that.
The
silence held a few seconds longer before Daniel spoke again. “You probably should go talk to
General Hammond. He’ll want
to know the details of my condition.”
“Will
you be okay, for the next little while?” It was a foolish question, she knew.
“Yeah. Besides, I think I could use a few
minutes alone.”
She
nodded. “I’ll tell
the others they can come see you, but only after I’ve spoken with the
General.”
“Thank
you,” he replied.
Daniel
moved to lay down, and she helped him get comfortable.
“We’ll
need to hook you up to the monitors once I get back,” she informed him.
“Okay,”
he replied.
His eyes
were closed now, as he began to retreat into his own thoughts. He looked calm, even peaceful, and for
a moment Janet could have believed it was just another routine visit of her
favorite patient to the infirmary.
But, no,
that would change – and all too soon.
“I’ll
be back,” she said softly, gently squeezing his shoulder. Then wiping away the last traces of
her tears, Janet set out to find the General.
~ End ~
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