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Suggested
Rating: for teen and
older readers
Category: Daniel/Janet
Setting: following the events of Pretense
Synopsis: Sometimes it takes the perspective of
a concerned outsider to help us revisit our problems.
Author’s
Comments: Part 15 in The Journey series. Thanks to my beta, Sonia, for her time
and suggestions.
DISCLAIMER: All
publicly recognizable characters and places (the Stargate
SG-1 stuff) are the property of MGM, World Gekko
Corp and Double Secret Productions.
This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment only and no
infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognized characters and
places, and this story, are creations of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living
or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the
author.
BROTHERLY CONFESSIONS
- by Michelle Lunsford (March 2007)
The young
man took one sniff of the dark steaming liquid in the foam cup and furrowed
his brow. His heavily accented
English conveyed even more suspicion.
“What is this?”
“Coffee.” Daniel replied evenly. “Air Force coffee, to be exact.” He smiled encouragingly and said,
“I promise it’s safe to drink,” before tasting from his own
mug.
The Abydonian’s eyebrows arched slightly at that, but he
did slowly bring the cup to his lips and carefully tested a sip. “Not as bad as moonshine,”
Skaara quipped with a smile of his own, “but
almost.”
Daniel
chuckled lightly and moved toward a table. I’d
forgotten how easily he could make me laugh, he thought as they sat. And
I’d forgotten how much I missed that.
Skaara waved a hand, indicating their surroundings. “So, do you often come here, in
the middle of the night, when sleep has escaped you?”
“Sometimes,”
Daniel confessed. He held up his
mug. “Although this certainly
isn’t a good prescription for sleeplessness.” Amusement flickered in his eyes as he
went on, “In fact, if my doctor knew I was here, drinking coffee at
this hour, she’d give me a serious reprimand. But I find it does help me to clear my
thoughts, at least at times.”
Skaara nodded in apparent understanding and they fell into a
companionable silence, slowly sipping their coffee.
It had
been a good day, Daniel reflected.
He could hardly believe that it had been just this morning, Earth
time, when the Tollan Triad had awarded Skaara freedom from Klorel. Afterward, in the SGC debriefing, Skaara had eagerly agreed to offer what knowledge he had,
pertaining to his time as a Goa’uld. Additional interview sessions had been
scheduled for tomorrow. He and
Jack had spent much of what was left of the afternoon giving Skaara a tour of the base and introducing him to their
friends. It was an undeniable
victory and everyone was duly joyful.
If he
tried very hard not to think about it, Daniel could almost ignore that small
part of him that regretted it was his brother-in-law’s victory they
were celebrating instead of his wife’s.
“So,”
Daniel began, seeking to guide his thoughts another direction. “How are you feeling about
tomorrow?”
The
answer was immediate and confident.
“Good!” But
then the younger man paused, his tone growing more serious. “I know it will not be
easy. There will be many
questions and I may not have answers your people need. But I want to give what I
can.” His eyes darkened
slightly. “I would like to
know that some good can still be brought from the tortures I have endured
these past several years.”
“Some
good already has come from it.”
Daniel’s voice was equally adamant. “I know he doesn’t show it
that much, but Jack is so thrilled about your being free that he can hardly
stand it. This will strengthen
him for a long time to come. And
you saw the look on Good Father’s face when we sent the MALP through
and told him the news. It will be
good for him and the rest of the Abydonians to have
you home again.”
“Yes,”
Skaara agreed.
“And I confess, I long to be with him, to help him bear his
grief.”
Their
eyes met and Daniel saw the instant regret that flashed in his brother-in-law’s
expression.
“I
am sorry, Daniel. I said I would not
speak of it again.”
He took a
deep breath, eyes falling to stare into his coffee. Earlier that night, after dinner, he
and Skaara had begun getting caught up with one
another. They’d shared in a
time of mourning over Sha’re. But Skaara
had sensed that it was still a deep wound in Daniel, and in light of recent
events had suggested they put it behind them.
With
considerable effort Daniel met Skaara’s gaze
once more. “Our Good Father
would say that to not speak of something is to forget it. And as much as it hurts, I don’t
want to forget her. Not
ever.”
Reaching
across the table, Skaara grasped his forearm. “You are wise, Daniel. It is only that I do not wish to cause
you more pain.”
Daniel
matched the gesture, completing the symbol of brotherly pledge. “I know. And I can’t deny that part of me
feels guilty, because in a sense I am jealous that you’re sitting here
with me now and Sha’re isn’t.”
He shook his head.
“But it’s only a small part of me that feels that. The rest of my heart truly rejoices in
this victory.”
Skaara smiled and, after a few more heartbeats of silence, they
released arms. He opened his
mouth to say something, but was cut off as the mess hall door suddenly
opened.
Daniel caught
sight of Janet the instant she entered. She was dressed in plain green scrubs,
like those she always wore underneath her surgical aprons. Her pace was slow – she was
obviously tired – and she had not noticed them sitting in the corner. “Excuse me a minute,” he
said, scarcely waiting for Skaara’s nod of
acknowledgement as he eased from his chair and moved to intersect her path.
“Hey,”
he said softly, reaching to touch her arm. She met his eyes and Daniel noticed
the dark circles beneath them.
“Oh,
hello Daniel,” she mumbled, her voice sounding bone weary.
He moved
closer, lowering his head slightly so she wouldn’t have to strain to
look up at him. “How did
the surgery go?”
Janet
took a deep breath and released it slowly. “It was touch and go for a
while, but I think Sergeant Anderson is going to make it.”
“That’s
great,” Daniel replied, giving her arm a gentle squeeze. She gave a faint nod and it looked as
if even that small exertion took more energy than she had. “Are you off duty now,” he
asked.
“Yeah. My shift ended while I was in surgery. I was just going to grab a bite to eat
and then crash for a few hours in my quarters.”
“Right,
of course,” Daniel sighed, irritated now that he’d bothered to
detain her.
But as he
released her arm and stepped aside he noticed her gaze skirt momentarily to
where Skaara was sitting. Her eyes met his again, their glimmer
of curiosity an odd contrast to her obvious fatigue.
She’d
been engaged with another medical situation when Skaara
had reported to the infirmary earlier that day, and so Doctor Warner had seen
to the medical clearance. Then
later, when he and Jack had been giving Skaara a
tour and introductions, Daniel discovered Janet had been called on another
emergency – surgery with Sergeant Anderson. Though news, good news in particular,
traveled on base pretty quickly, he couldn’t be sure if Janet had heard
about Skaara and his newly won freedom.
“Janet…” He hesitated, unsure why it suddenly seemed
so important for him to suggest this, especially considering how tired she
was. “I know it’s
late, but if you can spare a moment or two there’s someone I’d
really like for you to meet.”
“I
think I can manage a couple of minutes.” She still sounded exhausted, but
Daniel thought he detected a trace of genuine interest in her mood.
“Skaara,” Daniel called as they stepped toward the
table, “I’d like to introduce you to someone.” He waited for his brother-in-law to
stand and then went on, “This is Janet Frasier, Stargate
Command’s Chief Medical Officer.
Which makes her my doctor, of course, but she’s also a very good
friend.”
Skaara took Janet’s offered hand in both of his and shook
it enthusiastically. “I am
most pleased to meet yet another of Daniel’s friends.”
“And
Janet, this is Skaara, Good Son of Kasuf, brother of Sha’re.”
Her eyes,
wide with surprise, darted to Daniel for an instant before quickly turning to
rest upon the younger man once more.
She offered a slight inclination of her head as she said, “And
I’m pleased to meet a member of Daniel’s family.”
Something
in the way she’d chosen to respond – mentioning Skaara as a member of his family – made Daniel feel
inexplicably pleased. He noticed
she was looking at him again, those familiar eyes clearly reflecting unspoken
questions. “It’s a
bit of a long story,” he responded, “but suffice to say our last
mission resulted in Skaara being freed from his Goa’uld.”
“That’s
wonderful!” Janet smiled
warmly as she addressed Skaara, but her eyes
drifted toward Daniel again as she continued, “I look forward to
hearing all about it.”
“Would
you like to join us?” Skaara extended a hand
to one of the extra chairs. He
then seemed to notice the mug and Styrofoam cup sitting on the table and
glanced a little guiltily at Daniel before quickly adding, “Oh, and
Doctor Frasier, you must not reprimand Daniel for his drinking coffee at this
hour. It was I who have kept him up talking half the night, and I insisted we
had to find something to drink.”
“Don’t
worry,” Janet replied, unable to suppress a slight chuckle. “I think I can overlook one cup
of coffee in light of the circumstances.
Speaking of which, thank you for the invitation, but I’m afraid
I’m totally beat. I just
spent the past several hours in surgery, and really need to get some
sleep. So I’ll bid you both
good night.”
Skaara nodded respectfully and Daniel offered a good night of
his own. As Janet departed in
search of food they sat and resumed conversation.
“Jack
seemed to think the interviews would take no more than one or two
days,” Skaara said.
“Yeah,
sounds about right.” Daniel
downed the last of his coffee.
“I know you’re eager to return to Abydos.”
Skaara nodded earnestly.
“I am. And you must come
with me and visit for a few days.”
He reached over and slapped Daniel affectionately on the
shoulder. “Join with us in
celebrating my return.”
Daniel
allowed the idea to simmer in his mind for a couple of seconds. No doubt such a visit would include
moments of pain – being in his former home, reminded of Sha’re and her people. But it would be good to see Kasuf again, and to share in the joy of Skaara’s return.
“Perhaps,”
he finally answered.
The
younger man gave him a rather pointed look. “You know Father will
insist.”
“Oh,
I have no doubt of that,” Daniel replied, smiling slightly. From the corner of his eye he caught sight
of Janet, sandwich in hand, heading for the
exit. “Maybe I can come for
a day, at least. Although
I’d have to ask General Hammond, of course.”
“Yes,”
Skaara agreed.
“I understand.”
He paused, took a final swallow of his own coffee, and then began
twirling the empty cup between his fingers. “And I think I also understand
why you would not want to be away from here for any great length of
time.”
Daniel
felt his forehead crease as his eyebrows scrunched upward. “What do you mean by
that?”
Skaara met his eyes before casting a meaningful glance over his
shoulder at the mess hall door.
Daniel
shook his head and shrugged, still at a loss.
“You
have many friends here, Daniel,” Skaara began
slowly. “And it pleases me
very much to see how much you care for them, and how they care for you in
return.”
“Yes?”
Skaara made a show of sighing heavily and shaking his head. Whatever
it is he’s intending to communicate, Daniel thought, he must think it’s pretty obvious.
Leaning
forward slightly, Skaara half whispered, “This
Janet Frasier, you care for her, no?”
Daniel
felt heat rising from his neck toward his cheeks. “Well,” he began, nervously
licking suddenly dry lips. “Of course I care for her. You just said you could see that in my
friendships here.”
His
brother-in-law leaned back in his chair and raised his eyebrows slightly,
suggestively. “That is not
what I mean, and you know it.”
Now that
the initial shock of Skaara’s suggestion was
wearing off, Daniel’s brain kicked back into motion. Yes, he did have feelings for
Janet. More often than not, he
was unsure exactly how to define those feelings, and the death of his wife
certainly had not simplified the matter.
But regardless of how he felt, he wasn’t particularly keen on
unexpectedly discussing the matter with someone else. Still, Daniel believed he’d been
fairly successful at maintaining no outward show of his inner conflict. Skaara’s
apparent insight now had him wary.
“What,
precisely, has given you this impression?” There was no accusation. He was genuinely curious now to know specifically
how much Skaara had detected.
“In
many ways, I think you do not behave toward her any differently than you would
another close friend,” Skaara admitted. “But when she was here, just
now, I saw the way you watched her.
It was as if you knew of all her movements about the room, even when
your back was to her.”
Daniel
fidgeted with the handle of his coffee mug as a means of avoiding the younger
man’s gaze. “I was
just concerned about her, because she is
a very good friend. And she’s
had a difficult day, what with back-to-back emergencies and a long, intensive
surgery.”
“Perhaps,”
Skaara answered simply. There was a long silence before he
went on, his voice low.
“But I have only seen you watch another person with that kind of
devotion once before in my life.”
Daniel
snapped his gaze up at that, but the expression he saw in his
brother-in-law’s eyes was nothing less than full sincerity and
compassion.
“Oh,
it is a very restrained look,” Skaara added quietly. “Many would not recognize what
it means, had they not witnessed it before in more defining circumstances. But I have seen how your eyes reflect
your heart in that manner.” He laid a hand soothingly on
Daniel’s fingers, where they still grasped the coffee mug. “You often looked at my sister
that way.”
He pulled
back sharply, shaking his head as he crossed his arms tightly across his
chest. “Don’t say
that.”
“Why? I do not speak of something that is
wrong.” Skaara
leaned forward, pressing slightly against the table’s edge. “Daniel, I know in my heart that
you always loved Sha’re, and that you love
her still. I never have doubted
your devotion or your faithfulness.”
Daniel
sighed, suddenly feeling very weary.
“Sha’re would want you to be happy.”
Daniel
glanced away but could not deny Skaara’s
declaration.
“Sha’re once told me that part of what she loved
about you was that your heart was so big. She said she knew there was room
enough for all the love you gave to her, with plenty left over for many, many
others. And she was certain that
your ability to love so many, and so much, in no way lessened her
position.”
Daniel
began to feel the prickling of tears, but in the lingering stillness he was
forced to meet his brother-in-law’s kind gaze once more.
“Daniel,”
Skaara began softly, “she, too, never doubted
your devotion or faithfulness.”
He
expelled a heavy breath and raked a hand through his hair. “I do believe that, Skaara. And sometimes it’s my belief in
such things that keeps me from falling apart. But it’s just not…” As his ire began to drain he reached
out to run a finger over the rim of his mug, as if that small gesture might
give him some semblance of control.
“It’s very complicated.”
The
younger man nodded sympathetically but didn’t back down. “Even the most complicated
things can be made a little less so, if you work toward understanding the
parts of it that you can.”
Daniel
gave him a cross-ways look, but his annoyance was short-lived. “Maybe…” He took off his glasses, pinched the
bridge of his nose. There were so
many factors that came into play, and he wasn’t sure he really wanted
to get into it all right now.
Slipping the spectacles back into place he took a deep breath and
released it slowly. “I have
come to realize that what I feel for Janet is more than friendship. But at the same time she is a very
dear friend to me, and I don’t want to jeopardize that
relationship.”
“Go
on,” Skaara encouraged, leaning back slowly
in his chair.
“And
while I haven’t actually spent a lot of time analyzing it, I
can’t say that I’ve noticed anything from Janet’s side that
indicates she feels anything other than friendship. That doesn’t even take into
account our professional, doctor-patient relationship. Granted, it seems the friendship
we’ve established hasn’t caused any real problems in that arena,
but I’m not even sure how—” he hesitated, his tongue
tripping over the realization of what he was about to say. “I’m not sure how…
how a romance would complicate that.
The last thing I want to do is endanger Janet’s career in any
way.”
“Are
there not certain customs with regard to such things?” Skaara asked.
“Probably,”
Daniel admitted, and his thoughts briefly detoured toward things he’d
perceived – or at least thought
he’d perceived – with regards to Sam and Jack. He knew the military forbade romantic
relationships between officers and those under their command. On one level he even understood why
such a policy was necessary. And
if there really was something brewing between his two friends, he
didn’t doubt they’d figure out some way to deal with it. But he was less sure how such regulations
applied to military-civilian relationships, or how Janet’s being his
primary doctor would come into play.
“But the customs of Earth, and those of
the SGC in particular, aren’t always as clearly defined or understood
as those of the Abydonians.” He managed a slight smile, his voice
taking on a tinge of derision.
“Or at least that’s what I’ve found to be the case.”
Skaara steadily held his gaze, apparently not willing to buy
into Daniel’s poor attempt at self-degradation. “I admit, the situation is difficult,”
he said. “But not
impossible. I know you are a very
determined man, Daniel. You can
find the right path, in the right time, if only you do not give in to
despair.”
“Right,”
Daniel said, a little sullenly as he drew his arms back in tight across his
chest.
Skaara lifted his chin slightly, his eyes narrowing. “Or is there something else you
haven’t told me,” he pressed.
Daniel didn’t
answer right away, despite the fact he was beginning to feel some relief in
sharing this burden with his brother-in-law. Finally, slowly, he began,
“There is one other complication, but—” he faltered, mind
racing. I don’t even know where to begin! I hardly knew myself during that
incident, how am I supposed to explain it to Skaara?
“Please,
go on.”
“Not
long ago we had a mission off-world and I met
someone,” he blurted.
Skaara blinked, opened his mouth, then
closed it again. Whatever
he’d been expecting, Daniel was certain it hadn’t been anything
like this. “So,” the
younger man eventually replied, his tone decidedly neutral. “Tell me about it.”
Daniel began
by explaining about their mission and the situation they’d encountered. Then he told Skaara
about Ke’ra and Linea.
“It
was unlike anything I’ve experienced before,” Daniel
admitted. “I’d never
known that sort of mutual instantaneous attraction, at least not at that
level of intensity. It caught me
so by surprise, I wasn’t sure how to respond. Plus I was still grieving Sha’re, and that only seemed to make me question
myself all the more.”
“Did
you feel guilty in some way?”
There was nothing condemning in Skaara’s
tone or demeanor.
“Maybe,”
Daniel replied. He paused,
considering. “But I think I
was simply more confused, so thrown off by the whole situation and how I was
feeling. And I can’t deny
that at the same time it simply felt really, really good to be wanted, in that way, by someone
again.” He shook his head,
somewhat taken aback at how relieved he was to finally make that confession
to someone. “I don’t
think I was prepared for the realization of just how much I’d missed
being loved by a woman.”
Skaara smiled amenably, waiting in silence for him to continue.
“Anyway,”
Daniel went on, “I’ve already described for you how it
ended.”
Skaara nodded. “And
you did good, in helping the people of that world,
and in helping Ke’ra to forget her former
life and the evil she had known.”
Daniel
rubbed his forehead and managed a tiny smile. “Funny, because that’s
pretty much the same thing Janet said to me.”
“Sounds
to me like this Janet knows you very well.”
“You
have no idea,” Daniel replied, chuckling slightly to himself. “Sometimes I think she knows me
better than I do.” He paused, remembering. “She was right there through the
worst of that whole ordeal. I
think it may have even been she who convinced Sam that they needed Ke’ra’s help to find a cure for the Vorlix. She
worked tirelessly, just like she always does, and was very patient with Ke’ra, even after Ke’ra
had realized who she’d once been.”
He
slumped slightly in his chair, slowly turning his mug round and round on the
table as he allowed his thoughts to wander. “Looking back, I remember that
Janet seemed a bit tense about it all.
Of course, why wouldn’t she be? We were dealing with someone who, at
one time, had been known as the Destroyer of Worlds. And I know I was asking a lot of her,
when I suggested we allow Ke’ra to modify herself
a personal Vorlix, so she could forget that she had
been Linea… that had to have rankled her medical sensibilities.”
Abruptly,
Daniel sat up a little straighter.
Discussing all this had brought up a rather unpleasant thought that,
he surmised, his subconscious must have tried to bury.
“And
she did all that, even after I bit her head off in that briefing when she
made the comment about Ke’ra’s
DNA.” Leaning back he
slapped his palms down on the table.
“Although I shouldn’t be surprised – Janet is far
too kind and generous to allow my idiocy to interfere with her attitude
toward her patients. And to
think, I never even went back and apologized to her.” Propping elbows on the table and
shoving his hands in his hair, Daniel hung his head. “Man, I am such an ass.”
“As
a friend, perhaps she understood you were undergoing some kind of
struggle.” Skaara’s voice was very measured, as if he were
carefully choosing his words.
“The way that she helped you and Ke’ra,
it seems to me she did not hold anything you might have said against
you.”
Daniel
nodded noncommittally but said nothing more. After several moments it seemed the
conversation had come to an impasse and he noticed his brother-in-law was
trying unsuccessfully to hide a yawn behind his hand. “And I have kept you up entirely
too late moaning about my problems,” Daniel said good-naturedly.
“Sorry,”
Skaara replied, a little sheepishly. “It is not for lack of interest
or concern that I grow tired.”
“I
know.” Daniel smiled. “And I do appreciate you getting
me to talk about all this. I
think I needed it more than I realized.” He stood. “Come on. Let me walk you back to your
room.”
At the
quarters Hammond
had assigned for Skaara, they embraced and bid one
another good night. As Daniel
walked back to his own on-base dwelling he considered how the evening had
passed. His brother-in-law had
certainly set his thoughts churning.
And now that he reflected on it, Daniel had to admit that he’d
avoided truly assessing the entire situation with Ke’ra. He didn’t know if he regretted what
had happened between them or not.
He had missed Ke’ra, for a while, but
even that pain had seemed to fade without his even noticing. No, it had been too easy to simply
move on and forget about it.
But
revisiting it in his thoughts tonight, Daniel mused as he changed into his pajamas, he’d noticed some things that hadn’t
seemed apparent at the time. It
bothered him that he’d so casually forgotten how rude he’d been
to Janet in the briefing, and that he’d failed to apologize about it
later. And something about
Janet’s kind yet professional demeanor in working with Ke’ra niggled at him. As he lay back on his bunk his mind
replayed those events; searching for what exactly, he couldn’t be sure,
but he carefully scrutinized the scenes as they passed in front of his
mind’s eye.
Eventually
a new idea began to take shape, and the implication of it caused Daniel to
groan aloud as he rolled over, angrily punching at his mattress in some vain
attempt to release his frustration.
I am such an idiot not to have realized
– a part of me was feeling guilty the entire time, because I felt as if
I was betraying Janet.
Of
course, he could rationalize that such a concept was absurd. He might have been thoughtless and
rude, but he hadn’t betrayed Janet’s friendship in any way. She had no idea that he felt something
other than friendship for her.
There was no romantic relationship between them whatsoever, so how
could he have betrayed something that, technically, didn’t exist?
But you know how you feel
towards her, his
inner voice accused. And even if you’re doubtful about
the extent of those feelings, or what you should do about them, how you
behaved with regard to Ke’ra negatively
affected how you behaved toward Janet.
“I
know,” he whispered into the dark.
“I know.”
An hour
later, his mood was still a complicated jumble of thoughts and feelings
regarding Janet Frasier when he finally drifted to sleep.
~ THE END
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