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Suggested
Rating: for teen and
older readers
Category: Daniel/Janet, angst
Setting: immediately at the ending of Nemesis
Synopsis: some new revelations about their
relationship only serve to leave Daniel and Janet feeling at more of a loss
Author’s
Comments: Part 20 in The Journey series. Thanks to my editor, Sonia.
DISCLAIMER: All
publicly recognizable characters and places (the Stargate SG-1 stuff)
are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created
for entertainment only and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was
intended. Previously unrecognized
characters and places, and this story, are creations of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living
or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the
author.
The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost. – Gilbert Keith Chesterton
IMPASSE
- by
Michelle Lunsford (April 2007)
“I
just hope they made it out in time.”
Daniel stared
out the operations window at the spot where the gate used to be, trying not
to think about the crashing fireball that had been Thor’s ship. He’d helped to save the world
countless times before. But he was
discovering such dangers were a walk in the park compared with being left behind
to watch.
Dropping his
earpiece on top of the console where he sat, Daniel slid off his glasses and
rubbed at his eyes. It took him a
few seconds to realize it hadn’t helped – the room was still
spinning. Very carefully, he tried
to stand.
“Doctor
Jackson, are you okay?”
Major Davis, standing nearby, was the first to notice when he staggered.
Leaning
heavily against one of the computer banks Daniel concluded that he’d
pushed himself harder than he should have. Janet was going to kill him. “I think I should head back to
the infirmary,” he answered, closing his eyes in an effort not to
swoon.
He
started to take another step, felt the room’s spinning increase in
velocity, and nearly fell over.
There was movement somewhere behind him as the general barked an order
and suddenly a large SF was at his side.
“Let’s
take it nice and slow, Doctor Jackson,” the man said.
“Right,”
Daniel agreed, accepting the soldier’s support.
It felt
like an eternity working their way down the short flight of steps, and once
the elevator began its ascent he nearly heaved from dizziness. He began to wonder if he’d make
it into the infirmary under his own power or if the poor SF would have to
pick him up and carry him.
“Doctor
Frasier?” the SF called as they stumbled through the doorway.
Janet
looked up from the chart she’d been studying and instantly went into
action. “Get him onto a
bed, now!”
Daniel
could do little more than cling to consciousness as the SF and an infirmary
orderly hefted him onto the nearest bed.
Then Janet was at his side, one hand finding his pulse and the other coming
to rest on his forehead.
“I’m sorry,” he croaked.
“Be
quiet,” she muttered, fixing him with a hard stare. “Your pulse is elevated and
you’re burning up. I
thought I told you to take it easy.”
“Sorry,”
was all he could manage.
Janet
shook her head, lifted the edge of his shirt, and directed her attention to
his incision. Daniel
couldn’t avoid a sharp intake of air when she began probing around his
scar.
She
glanced up at him. “You’re
experiencing pain?”
He
swallowed. “It’s not
that bad.”
“Daniel.”
That
harsh, single word reprimand communicated more than any lecture would have
and Daniel met her eyes with a contrite expression. “I’m feeling a burning
sensation in that part of my abdomen,” he admitted. Knowing she would want specifics he
added, “On a scale of one to ten it’s about a three, except when
you touched it, and then it was about an eight. My mouth feels really dry and I’m
also dizzy.”
Janet
looked over her shoulder and called out some concoction that was four
syllables long plus an order for an IV to be prepped. “I’m going to give you
something for the pain and it’s going to make you drowsy,” she said, voice still stern. “If you don’t take
advantage of that and get some rest then I will administer a sedative as well. You’re dehydrated so the IV is
to get your fluid level back up.
And I’m going to do some blood work, make sure you don’t
need any additional antibiotics.”
A nurse
arrived with the syringe and IV supplies. “This might sting a bit,” Janet
told him as the needle pricked his skin.
He waited
until she had finished and then sought her gaze. “I’m sorry, Janet,”
he muttered again, wondering why he felt so compelled to seek her
forgiveness.
She sighed. “Just shut up and rest,
Daniel.”
Despite
the softness of her tone, he recognized the trace of severity lingering
underneath. She was frowning and
her eyes were shadowed with something he wasn’t accustomed to seeing in
them. If he didn’t know
better, he’d have sworn it was fear.
His head
began to spin with a different kind of dizziness and he wondered fleetingly
if she’d given him a sedative after all. The last thing he remembered before
fading into the darkness was Janet’s troubling expression and his overwhelming
desire to apologize one more time.
^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ *
He woke
to find himself in an infirmary bed.
It was quiet and dark, likely indicating the night shift. He was still dressed, but someone had
removed his boots and draped a sheet and blanket over him. Memories of what brought him here
began to filter through his mind as he took note of the IV attached to his
arm. Without his glasses he
couldn’t make out the writing on the bag, but since there was only the
one he hoped that meant he hadn’t needed the antibiotic he remembered
Janet mentioning.
“You
should be sleeping.”
The voice
was familiar and warm, if slightly chastising, and Daniel turned his head to
the other side to see Janet sitting nearby, on one of the infirmary stools.
He
reached up to rub his forehead. “What
did you give me? Feels like
I’ve got cobwebs breeding in here.”
“The
side effects should wear off by morning,” she replied. “Otherwise, how are you
feeling?”
He did a
quick mental survey.
“Better than when I came in. I’ve got a funny taste in my
mouth. Is that—”
“Another
side effect of the medication,” she interrupted. Setting aside the files she’d
been working on, Janet stood and reached for a foam pitcher on the counter. She poured water into a cup and brought
it to him.
“Thanks.” He took a few slow sips before meeting
her eyes. “I also feel like
I screwed up,” he confessed.
When Janet arched her brow in unspoken question he added, “By
putting myself back here again.”
Janet
crossed her arms but the sigh she heaved seemed more indicative of self
reproach than medical admonition.
“I never should have released you in the first place.”
He
wasn’t sure how to respond.
When he’d first received word about SG-1’s mission aboard
Thor’s ship, the thought of being confined to the infirmary had driven
him crazy. He’d been
determined to get to level twenty-eight and offer what assistance he
could. So he’d begged Janet
to release him. But in hindsight,
the only thing he’d really been able to accomplish while in the gate
operations room was staying out of everyone’s way.
“Has
there been any news?” he eventually asked.
“Davis is still here,
helping the general in our political dance to cover up what really happened. And the beta gate has arrived. They’ve begun setting it up, I
believe.” She leveled her
gaze on him. “But
you’re not going anywhere for at least twenty-four hours and possibly
more, is that understood?”
He
nodded. “I’m sorry,
Janet. I know I shouldn’t
have pushed myself so soon after surgery. It’s just that…”
“Daniel,
I understand how you feel.”
She moved closer. “I
understand that you’re concerned about the others and that you want to
help. But the best way you can do
that right now is by allowing yourself a full recovery. You have to accept the limitations of
what you can and can’t do – focus your energy on what’s
possible and don’t waste time worrying about what isn’t.”
Her voice
had been steady, and she’d relaxed her arms, but that shadow he’d
detected earlier was reflected in her eyes again.
“That
sounds like the wisdom of experience talking.” He paused, uncertain if he should press
to find out what was bothering her.
“But I get the feeling you aren’t always successful at
heeding your own advice.”
Her gaze
fell as she brought her hands together and rested them on top of the
bedcovers. Her thumbs rubbed
against each other in a nervous gesture.
“I didn’t say it was easy. And sometimes you have to accept that
there’s nothing you can do.
That there…” she faltered and Daniel noticed her hands
were trembling now. When she
spoke again her voice was little more than a whisper. “There will be times when you lose.”
“Janet?”
She made
no response to his gentle entreaty and he slipped his hand over hers, hoping
to still them. Her head jerked up
at the contact and this time there was no mistaking her expression.
“You
really are frightened,” he said, the words tumbling out before he could
stop them. She bit at her lower
lip, blinking in an attempt to stall the tears he could now see misting in
her eyes. He squeezed her
hands. “Janet, please, talk to me.”
She took
a shuddering breath, pulled her hands from his grasp, and stepped back to sit
down again. “It’s
strange,” she began softly.
“You’ve been in so many dangerous situations. You’ve beaten the odds time and
time again. You’ve even
come back from the dead. But this
last time…” She shook
her head, the rest of her words coming out in a rush. “Daniel, if you hadn’t
been on base the day you passed out, your appendix would have ruptured before
anyone could have gotten you to the hospital. And as severe as your case was, I
seriously doubt you would have survived.”
Daniel
tried to fill his words with all the compassion he felt. “I know my condition was bad,
Janet, but this wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever faced. I’m still here. And I’m okay… thanks to
you.”
“I
know,” she conceded with a humorless laugh. “That’s the whole
point. I don’t understand
why this time has given me such a scare – why it’s still got me
so shook up.”
He longed
to reach out to her, to wrap her in a hug and assure her everything was going
to be alright. At one time
he’d have done so without a moment’s hesitation. But ever since he’d confessed
his feelings, Daniel second-guessed such actions. He didn’t want to give Janet the
wrong impression about any of their interactions now. And although he didn’t regret having
been honest with her, he hated the fact that he now felt at such a loss as to
what to do or say.
As the
silence grew heavy he decided to just be honest. “Janet, I… I don’t
know what to say.”
She shook
her head. “Don’t
worry. It doesn’t matter.”
“Of
course it matters,” he insisted, voice rising slightly. “I don’t like to see you
hurting.”
“And
I don’t like being afraid,” she retorted.
They
stared at one another, the air chilling between them.
Daniel reached
up to rub a hand across his face.
The cobwebs in his head were transforming into a nasty headache, but
he suspected it had more to do with their conversation than any lingering effects
of his medication. “This
isn’t simply about my latest brush with death, is it?” he asked. When she didn’t answer he
steadfastly met her gaze and added, “This has to do with us, with the
nature of our relationship.”
“Maybe,”
Janet responded, her voice low. “Probably.” She raked a hand through her hair. “To be honest, I’m not
really sure, Daniel. All I know
is that I don’t like this.”
Once
again he fought the urge to reach out to her. “I’m sor—”
“Yes,
I know you’re sorry,” she cut him off, exasperation coloring her
tone. Her eyes reflected a sad sincerity
as she added, “But that doesn’t really fix things. Not for me.”
Daniel
leaned his head back against the pillows and closed his eyes. It
was always easier than this with Sha’re. The realization came unbidden,
bringing no comfort, and he hated himself for even thinking it. Opening his eyes again he looked at
Janet and asked, “Is there anything at all I can say or do to
help?”
She stared
at the floor and was quiet for a long time. Then she stood and walked over to his
bed. There was only a slight
hesitation as she laid a hand on his shoulder. “Follow your doctor’s
orders and get well. Try to stay
out of trouble in the future.
And,” the corners of her mouth turned upward but the smile
didn’t reach her eyes, “keep being my friend.”
He
reached up and covered her hand with his own, his voice thick with
emotion. “Always.”
Janet
nodded. “Try to get back to
sleep,” she whispered and pulled away.
Daniel
lay in the stillness, staring at the empty doorway and, for the first time,
seriously questioning if revealing his feelings to Janet had been the best
choice after all.
~ THE END
~
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