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Suggested
Rating: for teen and
older readers
Category: Daniel/Janet friendship, slight angst
Setting: Set at the end of Need from season 2.
Synopsis: Janet is concerned about
Daniel’s recent ordeal and its effect on him – sometimes being a
good friend means being tough.
Author’s
Comments: Part 7 in The Journey series. Sonia gets extra special thanks this
time – she really helped me work this one over in the edit
process. Trust me, it’s
much better now. Thanks, dearest!
DISCLAIMER: All
publicly recognizable characters and places (the Stargate SG-1 stuff)
are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created
for entertainment only and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was
intended. Previously unrecognized
characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living
or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
TRANSITIONS
- by
Michelle Lunsford (April 2005)
Thud,
thud, thud, thud.
Janet
Frasier concentrated on the rhythm of her feet, marking perfect time with the
rotation of the treadmill belt. A
quick glance at the electronic timer indicated she’d maintained an
aerobic jog for a little over three miles. She frowned. Normally exercise helped clear her
head and typically before she hit the two-mile mark. So
much for that plan, she huffed in annoyance, adjusting the speed to
decelerate toward a cool down walk.
Suddenly
a technician’s voice echoed over the loudspeaker, announcing incoming
travelers, and reflexively Janet wondered if it was SG-1. They’d returned to P3R-636 a few
hours ago, to begin negations with Shyla and her people about alternatives to
mining the Naquadah and defending against the Goa’uld – all at Daniel’s
suggestion.
Daniel. Janet’s mouth pulled into a
tight thin line as her thoughts once again fixed on her friend.
She and
Daniel had settled into a comfortable friendship over the past year. She knew without a doubt that he was
very close to each member of SG-1, but in recent months it had become
apparent that Daniel sometimes shared things with her that he didn’t
necessarily share with his teammates.
Janet wasn’t entirely sure why she’d earned his confidence
in this way but it was a privilege and responsibility she did not take lightly.
Which makes me all the more
worried because I’m just not sure what to do this time around, she acknowledged. Slowing the treadmill further, Janet
stepped off as it came to a halt.
She reached for the towel draped over the handlebar and began to
absently mop away perspiration from her face before taking a long drink from
her water bottle.
She knew
Daniel would need to discuss recent events, and reason dictated that the
sooner the better. Of course, there hasn’t exactly been
time for a heart-to-heart, she silently admitted. And
there’s always the chance he’ll simply discuss the matter with
someone else. After all,
while she didn’t know the particulars, she was aware that some sort
of… ‘break through’ had been shared between Daniel and
Colonel O’Neill.
Setting
the water bottle and towel aside Janet began a round of leg stretches. But
even if he does talk to one of the others… I want him to talk to me too
– I want to help him deal with the aftermath of this ordeal.
Janet
paused in mid-stretch as this realization dawned, but the epiphany was
disrupted when the door suddenly swung open and Daniel entered.
Speak of the devil, she thought, blinking in surprise. Quickly donning a casual air she
smiled warmly and offered her customary greeting. “Hey.”
“Hi,”
Daniel replied, his mood clearly subdued.
Leaning
forward slightly over one knee Janet completed a final stretch and carefully
asked, “So, I take it SG-1 recently got back?” She wanted to allow him the opportunity
to initiate the topic of how their latest mission had faired, but when he
merely nodded without offering more she opted to press the issue
herself. “And how did it
go?”
“Fine,”
he replied noncommittally.
Janet
noticed that he was avoiding her gaze, and when he did look her direction it
was almost as if he wasn’t even seeing her. Scrambling for something to say she
hastily asked, “So, did you decide to drop by for some
exercise?” The words were
no sooner out of her mouth than she realized their absurdity, especially considering
he was still dressed in military fatigues.
“Um,
no, not really,” Daniel replied, his hands sliding into his pockets as
he studied his boots.
“Actually, I was looking for you. One of the nurses said you’d be
in here.”
Hoping
his statement was an indication Daniel did indeed want to talk, she said,
“All right, what can I do for you?”
His
weight shifted forward slightly onto the balls of his feet and then back
again – a move Janet had come to recognize as classic Daniel nervousness. “I was wondering if I could talk
to you for a few minutes.”
One hand shot up to push his glasses a little farther up his nose
before finding the safety of a pocket once more. “I mean, if this is a good time?”
“Sure.” Janet inclined her head in the
direction of one of the benches along the wall. “How about we have a
seat?”
He nodded
and then followed her to the bench.
Janet sat,
ordering herself into a calm and patient frame of mind. The silence stretched out, threatening
to become oppressive, but eventually Daniel began.
“Shyla’s
father died… but I believe she’s going to be okay. She’s agreed to negotiations, to
discuss ways to help her people.
And the… the sarcophagus has been destroyed.”
Janet
heard the slight tightening of his voice but she kept her eyes focused
forward. Give him a little space – let him work through this.
“Shyla
won’t have to worry about being tempted to use it any more. I know it’s going to be
difficult for her, but she’s strong. She’ll be a good leader.”
“I’m
glad,” Janet replied sincerely.
Silently she cheered in celebration over this small victory, knowing
it was as much for Daniel as it was for Shyla.
The quiet
lingered again and from the corner of her eye Janet caught a glimpse of
movement; Daniel’s hands easing out of his pockets to run over the top
of his thighs before coming to rest in his lap.
Inhaling
slowly, he quietly asked, “How’s your shoulder?”
Reflexively
she rotated her shoulder, wincing a little as the muscles continued to
protest their recent treatment. “Still
a little sore,” she answered honestly, even as she braced herself for
what she knew was coming next.
“I’m
sorry.”
His guilt
was palpable and Janet momentarily closed her eyes, fighting against a sense
of exasperation.
“It’s
okay. I don’t blame you.” The same response she’d given
each of the three previous times he’d already apologized.
“I
know that!”
His reply
was terse and she noticed his hands abruptly clenched into fists. The response caught her a little off
guard and she turned slowly to face him.
She spoke softly, trying to put as much compassion into her voice as
possible. “Daniel?”
He leaned
his head back against the wall, eyes tightly shut. “I hate myself,” he spat
and the despondency in his tone cut straight to her heart.
Not
knowing what else to say she simply asked, “Why?”
He met her
gaze for the first time and it took all her willpower not to flinch at the
expression reflected in his eyes.
She saw his sense of revulsion regarding the acts he’d recently
committed, mixed with genuine remorse for the way he’d hurt his
friends.
Daniel
gave a short, bitter laugh, devoid of any humor. “I guess now we all know what
kind of man Doctor Daniel Jackson really
is.”
She’d
expected him to feel regret and contrition regarding everything that had
happened, but the severity of this culpability seemed drastic, even for
Daniel. Has this been the trial that will finally break him? The thought came unbidden and as Janet
met that desperate gaze she found herself unexpectedly fighting against a
rising panic.
No! I can’t believe that – I
won’t believe it.
He’s faithfully striven to find and save his wife, he’s
heroically fought against Apophis and Klorel, he’s even re-lived his
parents’ death over and over again and yet not been defeated – I
know he has the courage to get through this.
Renewed
in her determination to help him Janet reached out and gently squeezed his
arm. “That’s not true
Daniel, and you know it.”
Instantly
Daniel recoiled from her touch.
“Don’t I?” he challenged vehemently. “You can’t tell me that
what the sarcophagus did to me, that it wasn’t just revealing some part
of my true nature that was already
there.”
Janet
forced her voice to be steady.
“But that’s exactly what I’m trying to tell you,
Daniel.”
He jerked
his gaze away, shaking his head in denial as he brusquely crossed his arms
across his chest.
Taking a
deep breath Janet acquiesced, “Okay, maybe I’ll buy the argument
that none of us is perfect – that we don’t have some faults, some
darker side of our personality that we wish we didn’t have.” She tried, unsuccessfully, to catch
his eye before adding, “but that doesn’t mean that’s the
person we have to be.”
Bolting
from his seat Daniel threw his hands up and petulantly demanded, “Then
how do you explain what I did – what I allowed myself to become?”
“Daniel,
you were addicted,” Janet
insisted. Rising to face him she
went on, “and if you won’t accept the reasoning of a friend then
at least listen to your doctor.” He stepped back, turning away from her
as he did, but Janet simply moved around him, refusing to back down. “The body is an amazing and yet
terribly delicate system.
Chemical imbalances can have drastic effects physically and emotionally, bringing about behavior
that is completely uncharacteristic
for any individual.”
Janet was
fairly certain he was listening to her, but his refusal to meet her gaze
hinted that she still wasn’t getting through. And she was finding it difficult not
to be offended by his attempts to continually retreat from her. I
am not going to let you destroy yourself over this, she thought
resolutely. You’ve come through too much, and I care about you too much to
allow that to happen!
She moved
to face him again, this time purposefully closing the distance between
them. Reaching up, she firmly
grabbed his chin. “Daniel
you are not the monster you think yourself to be. Yes, the sarcophagus changed you
– but that’s not who
you are. I know it’s not.”
For a
moment there was a softening in his expression but then he pulled from her
grasp. Turning his back to her
Daniel placed his palms flat against the wall, pushing against it as if somehow
trying to expel his demons by sheer physical effort. “I wish I could believe
you,” he rasped.
Janet
ached at the despair she heard in his reply. A sense of helplessness washed over
her as she realized her argument was having little effect. A familiar sting burned at the back of
her throat and she angrily swiped at the moisture threatening to pool at the
corner of her eyes.
Vigorously
shaking his head Daniel pushed off from the wall before slumping down on the
bench again. His shoulders sagged
as he leaned forward, arms pulled tight around his midsection. He repeated, in barely more than a
whisper, “I wish I could believe you…”
Disheartened,
Janet eased onto the bench beside him, futilely searching for something she
could say that might convince him that everything was going to be all right.
You have to be tough, her inner voice suddenly
asserted. If words won’t reach him, then maybe you’ll just have to
show him.
Inhaling
a slow, deep breath, Janet slid nearer and purposefully wrapped her arm
around his shoulders. As
anticipated she felt Daniel tense immediately, but before he could pull away
she reached with her free hand and gently pulled his face toward her.
“Daniel,
you are my friend,” she declared adamantly, refusing to lessen her grip. “And you are a good man. I
won’t give up on you and I won’t let you give up on yourself
either.”
“No,”
was the pitiful denial as his eyes stubbornly avoided her own.
“Yes,”
she kindly contradicted. She
moved closer still, dropping her hand from his face as she drew him into an
embrace. He struggled slightly,
but not so much that Janet sensed she was genuinely forcing him.
“You’re
a good man, Daniel,” she repeated softly. “You’re a good man.”
Slowly Daniel’s
resistance abated, until eventually he relaxed against her, his face buried
in her shoulder.
“I’m
sorry,” he breathed wearily.
His arms hung slack and Janet gently drew one up to circle her waist,
reassured when he accepted the embrace further by wrapping his other around
her as well. “I’m sorry,
Janet – so very sorry.”
“It’s
okay, she soothed, stroking his hair.
“You’re going to be okay.”
She
wasn’t certain how long they sat there – him clinging to her like
a life-line while she continually murmured calming assurances – but
when she sensed Daniel gradually lessen his hold Janet matched his movements,
pulling back until they were facing one another. He met her gaze willingly now and she
was immensely relieved to see the familiar glimmer of the man she knew
reflected once again in his eyes.
He’s probably not completely
finished dealing with this, but the worst is over.
He
reached out, took her hand and gave it a tiny squeeze. “Thank you,” he said, the
barest hint of a smile pulling at the corner of his mouth before he released
her hand. It was a simple phrase,
but Janet heard the wealth of emotion that was spoken with it.
“You’re
welcome,” she answered, smiling too.
Sitting
there, in the companionable silence, it occurred to Janet that although she
and Daniel had certainly shared friendly gestures of physical contact before,
this was the first time they’d experienced a full embrace. Not that it had made her uncomfortable,
or seemed in the least inappropriate – quite the opposite – but
something about this milestone struck her and she felt her smile broaden a
bit.
Aware
that Daniel was continuing to gaze at her, Janet found herself suddenly
transfixed by that tender, attentive stare.
You could get lost in those eyes.
The
unexpected realization caught her off guard and as warmth rose in her cheeks Janet
hastily lowered her gaze. Belatedly
she became acutely aware of her appearance, feeling decidedly self conscious
in the athletic shorts and tank top.
Where’s a lab coat when
you need it?
Pushing
her errant thoughts aside, Janet forced a steadying breath and glanced
up. If Daniel had noticed
anything out of the ordinary in her behavior, he gave no sign. “So,” she said, striving
for nonchalance, “feeling better now?”
“Yeah,”
he answered with a slight nod.
“I guess, um… I just needed someone to help me put things
back in the proper perspective.”
And that,
Janet knew, would be that. With Daniel you’re never quite sure
– sometimes a drawn-out discourse, sometimes just a few words –
but when he’s put something behind him, it usually stays there.
She
smiled again. “Glad I could
help.”
Reaching
up to reposition his spectacles Daniel said, “Well, I should probably
let you get back to,” he waved his hand in a vague gesture as he stood,
“to whatever it is you were doing.”
She rose
too, stepping over to the treadmill to retrieve her towel and empty water
bottle. “Yeah, I guess I
should hit the showers and get back to work.”
“Oh?” Daniel blinked. “You’re still on
shift?”
“Yeah,
just taking a short break,” she answered. “But I should get back and
relieve Doctor Warner.”
“Right. Well, I’ll see you around
then.” He turned to go but
hesitated at the door, looking back over his shoulder. “Listen, would you… I mean,
I was thinking of grabbing a bite to eat in the mess hall a little later on
and…”
“Would
you like some company?”
“Yeah. That would be nice. I mean, that is, if you want to.”
Janet
gave him a playful jab in the arm as she joined him at the door. “Of course I’d want to. I’m your friend,
remember?”
“Right,”
Daniel agreed, matching her smile.
Then his expression grew serious as he met her eyes. “And I promise, Janet, I
won’t ever forget that.”
She watched
him walk away, her mind racing over everything that had just happened. Well,
that was certainly… different.
Janet was undeniably pleased that she’d been able to help her
friend work through his latest ordeal, but none of it had gone as she ever
would have expected. Particularly there toward the very end,
her inner voice mused.
“But
I can’t dwell on such thoughts now,” she mumbled to herself,
remembering that she’d been away from the infirmary too long already. Time
to hit the showers, she thought, heading down the hall. And later, when she had time to be
properly reflective, maybe she’d revisit her thoughts and reactions
from all this.
Maybe.
~ FINIS ~
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