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Suggested
Rating: for teen and
older readers
Category: Daniel/Janet, angst
Setting: following the episode Maternal Instinct
Synopsis: Daniel makes a decision.
Author’s
Comments: Part 18 in The Journey series. Thanks to Sonia for the beta edits.
DISCLAIMER: All
publicly recognizable characters and places (the Stargate SG-1 stuff)
are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created
for entertainment only and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was
intended. Previously unrecognized
characters and places, and this story, are creations of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living
or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
MOVING ON
- by
Michelle Lunsford (March 2007)
“You
lied.”
Daniel
stared at the monk. The man was
dressed in the same terra cotta colored robes he’d worn on Keb and was
balanced in a cross-legged position on top of Daniel’s laboratory
stool. His accusation had been
dispassionate, and the unblinking countenance that returned Daniel’s
gaze was equally composed. But
this in no way lessened the emphatic nature of his words.
Daniel
cocked his head, and drew out his response in long slow syllables. “Not exactly.”
A single
brow arched over dark discerning eyes as the monk stared back.
Leaning
forward in his own chair, Daniel refused to yield. “I just didn’t tell
her…” he extended his hands, palms up, and shrugged, “everything.”
The monk
smiled knowingly. “It is
difficult for a man to be honest with others when he will not be honest with
himself.”
Scowling,
Daniel complained, “You know, I think I liked it better when you spoke
in cryptic Zen runes.”
The man
nodded, as if conceding the point, but his smile did not fade.
In the
ensuing silence Daniel eased up from his chair and began to pace. The soft padding of his bare feet
across the cold concrete floor provided an almost hypnotic rhythm for his
thoughts. And all the while he
could feel the monk watching him.
“So
is that the point?” Daniel asked, coming to an abrupt halt. He sagged against the long table in
the center of his lab before adding, “Have I been lying to
myself?”
With
exceptional grace the monk unfolded himself from atop the stool. He steepled his fingers in front of
his chest and replied, “In you is the capacity to trust.”
“Right,”
Daniel replied, rubbing a thumb across his palm as he remembered holding his
hand over the candle’s open flame.
A sarcastic reply came to mind then, that he should ask if he was
supposed to trust Desala to handle this emotional problem for him as well,
but it faded on his lips when he noticed the monk’s robes blurring at
the edges.
Actually, it’s more like the
whole room is blurring, he silently observed.
The light
from the doorway suddenly intensified, adding to the distorted appearance of
everything else, and looking over the monk’s shoulder Daniel saw a new
figure approaching. With such a
bright background it appeared as little more than a dark silhouette. But he would have recognized that
petite form, that familiar bearing and walk, anywhere.
“What’s
the matter, Daniel?” Her
voice was an odd mixture of warmth and challenge, and it echoed as if coming
from a distance.
“Don’t you trust your own heart?”
She drew
closer, stopping just behind the monk and resting her hands on the
man’s shoulders. Daniel
still couldn’t see her face, but knew she was leveling those piercing
amber eyes on him. When she spoke
this time it sounded as if her words were closer. He felt the brush of breath against
his ear.
“Don’t
you trust me?”
Daniel’s
eyes snapped open but he could see nothing in the pitch blackness. The room was silent except for the
sound of his rapid breathing. His
heart pounded and an unexpected chill ran across his chest. Then his eyes adjusted to the dark and
he began to recognize his surroundings.
With a
weary sigh he sat up and slid his legs over the side of the bed. Running a hand over his face he felt
the dampness of perspiration.
Another shiver hit him, followed by a clammy sensation, and he reached
for the tee he’d discarded over a nearby chair earlier that night.
That’s the last time I eat
Chinese takeout right before going to bed, he thought as he pulled the shirt over his head.
A glance
at the nearby clock informed him it was just before five. Certainly earlier than he’d
planned to be up, despite the scheduled briefing he had to attend at
oh-seven-hundred. But he knew
trying to get back to sleep would be pointless. Shoving up from the bed he reached for
his glasses and stumbled toward the kitchen.
The
routine of making coffee provided some distraction, but Daniel suspected the
disquiet stirred by his dream was not going to go away. In the weeks since his embarrassing
behavior at Janet’s house he’d been living somewhere between
rejoicing over her ready acceptance of his apology and berating himself that
anything had ever happened.
He
plopped down at the table and sighed.
Guess my subconscious is trying
to tell me it’s past time I came to a resolution about this.
Taking a
sip of his coffee, Daniel fixed one elbow on the table and propped his chin
in his hand. “Okay,”
he wondered aloud, “what parts of this mess have I been honest about,
and what parts have I not?”
Scrutinizing
past thoughts and actions he was confident he’d been honest in some
regard. He knew he cared deeply for Janet. He would not go so far as to say that
he’d fallen in love with her, but he’d admitted that his feelings
were beyond friendship.
But you’ve only made that
admission to yourself. And you
haven’t done anything beyond that – you haven’t dealt with
it.
“Ah,
therein lies the rub,” he confessed. “I seem to be stuck, unsure what
to do, where to go next.”
Sitting
back he balanced the mug between his hands. As the warmth seeped into his skin it
called to mind one of the images from his dream.
In you is the capacity to trust.
He felt
just as uneasy now as he had when the monk had first uttered those words to
him on Keb. He realized others
saw this as a source of strength in his character, but Daniel often doubted
it himself. Perhaps it was what
enabled him to see the world as he did, or to act in certain ways, but it had
also led to a good deal of trouble and pain in his life. There were times when he wished he
could be a little more cynical.
“Is
that what I’m trying to do now?”
He
sighed, and shook his head. Maybe
he was. Maybe he just
wasn’t ready to take that kind of risk with his heart again.
Is that what she would have
wanted? Daniel grimaced as he imagined
Kasuf’s concerned overtones echoing with his own inner voice.
He’d
sent word to his father-in-law, informing him that Sha’re’s son
was safe. And he could still see
the older man’s face, as he’d looked into the MALP camera and
said, “Another part of my heart will be at peace now. I can look forward to our future with
renewed hope. And you, Good Son,
must do the same.”
Closing
his eyes, Daniel reached up to rub his forehead. The recent incident on Keb, though
emotionally difficult, had given him an added sense of peace. It meant more to him than he could
express, knowing that he’d found a way to keep his final promise to
Sha’re.
“But
does that really mean I’m ready to move on?” His voice sounded raw to his own ears.
He sat in
silence, but no answers came.
“All
I know is that I’m sitting here in my pajamas, talking to
myself.” He took a gulp of
coffee and grimaced when he tasted the tepid liquid.
Suddenly
irritated he slammed the nearly empty mug on the table and stood. It was still a bit early to head to
work, but he obviously wasn’t getting anywhere with his
introspection. Might as well get dressed and go on to
base – at least I can be productive there.
Once
again engaged in routine tasks, Daniel thought he’d be able to put the
dream behind him. But the tactic
wasn’t working as effectively this time. Still, it wasn’t until he nicked
himself shaving that he paused long enough to actually regard the discouraged
expression gazing back at him from the mirror.
You really don’t trust
yourself about this, do you?
Looking
himself square in the eye he knew there was only one answer. “No. I don’t.”
He
finished shaving and began dressing on autopilot, conceding to his thoughts.
His behavior
at Janet’s house was proof enough that he didn’t have quite the
handle on this that he’d thought.
Granted, he had been emotionally vulnerable at the time. The warmth and understanding
she’d offered had grounded him like nothing else could. But he’d made the mistake of
allowing himself to get lost in the moment.
Afterward,
as he’d wrestled with himself, Daniel had considered that despite how
badly things had played out he’d found himself with a unique
opportunity. He would apologize
– there was no question about that. But perhaps he could also use the
fiasco as a means of determining where Janet’s heart lay. Thus his confession about his
motivations that night had been only a partial one. And when Janet responded as she had,
he’d jumped at the chance to restore their friendship, even as part of
his heart had silently mourned.
Now he
realized he’d been a coward.
The analysis of his dream was correct. He had lied. He’d lied to himself because he
hadn’t trusted himself to speak with his whole heart. And worse, he’d lied to Janet,
because he’d left her with the impression that friendship was all he
felt toward her.
She deserves better than that, he acknowledged while gathering
the papers and books he’d brought home the night before. Maybe
she does only feel friendship toward me, but I owe it to her to be honest
about my feelings. And I can trust her to hear me out and to respond honestly
in return.
As he
headed out the door, Daniel reflected again on all he’d learned from
his last mission. The monk had
encouraged him to release his burdens.
At the time, he’d known the instruction was in reference to the
suffering he still harbored about Sha’re, her son, and the
Goa’uld. Thankfully,
he’d been able to leave a significant portion of that behind at
Keb. He only hoped this future
endeavor would prove as rewarding.
^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ *
Rounding
the corner on level 21, Daniel slowed his pace and looked at his watch.
Despite
his resolve that morning, some of his cowardice had shown itself by the time
he’d arrived at the SGC.
Although determined to speak to Janet, he’d talked himself into
waiting until the end of the day.
He’d attempted to rationalize this decision, telling himself it
allowed him time to think about what he should say. But he knew part of the reason was if
things turned out badly, at least he’d be able to go home afterward and
not worry about facing her again until the next day.
He
paused, mid-stride. It was still
a little over an hour before Janet was scheduled to go off shift. He glanced toward her open office
door.
Get a hold of yourself! It was pointless to delay any
longer. In fact, if he
didn’t take the opportunity now, it was possible some emergency could
pop up or that she’d decide to make a last-minute check of something in
the infirmary.
Steeling
himself, Daniel strode down the hall… and nearly careened into Janet as
she came out of her office.
“Oh,
I’m sorry, Daniel.”
She sounded
a little flustered, but nothing that was out of line with being nearly
trampled by a six-foot man. At
least, that’s what Daniel was telling himself as he made his own hasty
apologies.
“Um,
were you on your way somewhere?” he added, trying to sound casual.
She
nodded. “I need to check on
some inventory before heading home today. Why, did you need to see me?”
He fought
the urge to shove his hands into his pockets. “Um, yes…”
One
corner of her mouth twitched in the beginnings of a smile. “Is this a medical visit?”
“No,”
he answered a little too quickly and attempted to divert some of his
nervousness by readjusting his glasses.
“Definitely not medical.”
The
slight smile held but her brows arched slightly as she continued to look up
at him. Then her expression
relaxed, eyes widening slightly in understanding. “Oh, I see… Actually, I had a feeling you might
want to talk about it at some point.”
He
blinked. “You, um…
you did?”
She took
a step closer and touched him on the arm. “And you know I’m always
here, when you need to talk.”
Releasing his arm she continued, “If you like, you can come with
me to supply and we can talk along the way. It shouldn’t take me long to
make the inventory checks. Or we
can wait and talk when I get back?”
Daniel’s
intent had been to speak to her in the privacy of her office. But medical supply was at the end of
one of the corridors and there was likely to be little to no traffic there. And the distractions afforded by her
work might make this discussion a little easier.
“Ah,
we can walk and talk,” he replied.
He tried to match Janet’s amiable tone but didn’t quite
succeed.
She
nodded and as they headed down the hall Daniel acquiesced somewhat to his
mood by slipping one hand in his pants pocket while his free hand fidgeted
with his BDU jacket. He decided
to wait until they’d walked a bit before he said anything, hoping the
activity would help dispel some of his irritating anxiousness, but before he
realized it they’d reached the supply area.
“So,”
Janet began as she swiped her card to unlock the door, “I took the
liberty of reading the full report about your mission to Keb.”
Daniel
followed her into the small room, trying to figure out where her comment was
meant to lead. Whenever he seemed
perplexed about where to begin, she was usually quite adept at offering a
reasonable opening to their conversations. So it didn’t surprise him that
she was making some attempt now after he’d been silent during their
trek. But for the life of him he
couldn’t figure out how her knowing the details about Keb was supposed
to segue into what he wanted to discuss.
He
noticed she was holding up a container of some kind of vials full of liquid
medicine, but was starring at him in unspoken question. “I hope you don’t mind,”
she said with some hesitation.
“Of
course not,” he assured her.
“It’s just that… Janet, I’m not really sure what
that has to do with,” he gestured in the open air between them,
“this.”
Janet’s
eyes darkened further as she sat the container back on the shelf. “This?” She raised her hands in a
half-shrug. “And by this you mean our talking about what
happened on Keb, right?”
Of course, he cried to himself as it
suddenly became clear. He stepped
further into the room, closing the distance between them.
“You
thought I wanted to talk about finding Sha’re’s son, but not
being able to bring him back to the SGC,” he said.
Janet
nodded. Her expression continued
to reflect bewilderment but her voice was full of compassionate concern. “I mean, I guessed that mission
probably stirred up a lot of emotions for you and I just
thought…”
Daniel
was touched that she’d been thinking of him in that regard. He was even a little surprised that
this realization had managed to quell some of the uneasiness he’d been
feeling. But he wasn’t
going to make the same mistake twice.
He wasn’t going to use her misunderstanding as an opportunity to
avoid the real reason he’d sought her out.
“Janet,
I can’t begin to tell you how much I appreciate you’re being
willing to talk with me about what happened at Keb.” He moved even closer and fixed his
gaze on her. “And I’ll
admit that it was an emotional roller-coaster. But believe me when I say that Oma
Desala is more than capable of watching over the boy. I’ve kept my promise to
Sha’re. And
I’ve… I’m in the process of moving on.”
Her smile
as she reached for his hand was radiant.
“I’m happy to hear that, Daniel. And I’m very proud of you. I’m sure it couldn’t have
been easy.”
He fought
the urge to hold on to her hand when she gently pulled away. As Janet returned to her inventory
check he plowed onward before he could lose his nerve.
“But
there is something else I wanted to talk to you about.”
“Okay,”
she called from where she’d stepped behind one of the supply
shelves. “I’m all
ears.”
He
cleared his throat.
“Actually, it’s more of a question I’d like to
ask.”
She
remained behind the shelf, out of his line of sight. But he could hear the occasional clap
of her military pumps against the floor when she moved, and the crackling of
plastic as she rifled through the items stacked neatly along each row.
He took a steadying breath, but it still tumbled out in a rush. “I was wondering if you’d
like to go out sometime.”
The room
became instantly still. After a
few seconds Janet queried, her tone somewhat uncertain, from behind the
shelf, “You mean with you and the others, when the team might get
together?”
“No,”
he replied without wavering and fought the urge to step around to where she
was. As much as he wanted her to
be able to see the affection in his expression he would allow her to deal
with this new situation on her own terms first. “I mean just the two of
us.”
“I
see.”
There
hadn’t been a lot of emotion in that simple response and Daniel balled
his hand into a fist, willing his feet to stay rooted in place. After what seemed an eternity he heard
the sound of her moving again.
She stepped around the shelf and stopped. Her demeanor was calm and there was
only a hint of curiosity in her eyes when she looked up at him.
“What,
may I ask, brought this on?”
His own
gaze faltered for only a moment when he confessed, “Several things,
actually. But suffice to say I
wasn’t being entirely forthcoming when I apologized several weeks
ago.”
She
titled her chin a fraction.
“About what happened at my house that night?”
He
swallowed. “Yes.”
Lacing
her arms across her midsection she pressed, “And?”
“And
I hope you’ll understand that I was
sincere in my apology.” He
risked taking a step forward.
“But what I wish I had told you is there was more affecting my
emotions that night than Jack’s leaving and Makepeace being assigned to
SG-1.”
She stood
in silence, staring at him with that calm expression, and he couldn’t
tell if it was legitimate or one of her finely honed professional masks. But then he noticed one of her hands,
where it rested at her elbow. She
was rubbing her thumb against her forefinger with so much force the knuckles
were almost white.
“Daniel,
what are you trying to say?” she finally asked.
“Only
that I care about you.” He
kept his tone steady but made no effort to hide the depth of his feelings as
he held her gaze. With another
couple steps he was barely an arm’s length away from her. “I care about you a great
deal. And I felt you deserved to
know that.”
She gave
one terse nod of acknowledgement and turned away, arms relaxing as she
reached up to pinch the bridge of her nose. But when she faced him again a moment
later, Daniel was glad to see her eyes shone with a bit more of the friendly
warmth she usually revealed to him.
“I
do appreciate your honesty,” she began. “And I want you to know that I
care about you too.” She
shook her head, smiling slightly.
“Daniel, you are so caring and generous,” she paused in a
breathy laugh, “and goodness knows you’re brilliant. I
am… truly honored that you would even ask—” her voice
faltered and she slipped her hands into the pockets of her lab coat.
“But…”
Daniel forced an even tone as he prepared for the inevitable.
Sighing
she continued, “But, given our working relationship and the nature of
our jobs, I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to contemplate
taking our relationship beyond the bounds of friendship.”
He wanted
to believe that the remorse he thought he heard in her voice was genuine, and
not just a kindhearted attempt to make him feel better. He wanted to trust that her
rationalization was prudent and well considered, rather than a means of
letting him down easy. But the
ache building in his heart was more intense than he’d anticipated and
he knew the best thing he could do was make a hasty but civilized retreat.
He nodded
and muttered a soft, “Okay…
I, um… I did what I came here to do. And now I have my answer.” He started to turn for the door.
“Daniel,”
she stepped forward and grabbed him by the arm, “I didn’t
mean—”
“No,”
he gently cut her off.
“You’re right.”
He even managed a tiny smile.
“And you’re a very wise woman, Janet. I’ll continue to value your
counsel and your friendship.”
“Daniel,
don’t…”
He
waited, expectant despite his heavy heart. But as the silence lingered Janet
withdrew her hand and he knew there was nothing more she would say.
“I
want to thank you for your honesty as well.” His voice was little more than a
whisper but he willingly met her eyes.
“I’ve always known I could count on that… Have a good night, Janet. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Not
daring to delay any longer, he turned and made his escape.
~ THE END
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