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Suggested
Rating: for teen and
older readers
Category: Daniel/Janet
Setting: During the events of Legacy.
Synopsis: Daniel gets ill, Janet feels
guilty. Daniel gets well, Janet
still feels guilty. But hopefully
we all feel better by the end. ;
)
Author’s
Comments: Part 12 in The Journey series. As usual, Sonia (my editor) helped
make this a better story than it originally was. And I’m discovering that I
really don’t like coming up with titles. My muse simply has no creativity in
that department, it seems.
DISCLAIMER: All
publicly recognizable characters and places (the Stargate SG-1 stuff)
are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created
for entertainment only and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was
intended. Previously unrecognized
characters and places, and this story, are creations of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living
or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
NOT IMPOSSIBLE
- by Michelle Lunsford (November 2005)
“And
Mrs. Jenkins even fixed lasagna for dinner tonight!”
Janet
pictured the grin that accompanied her daughter’s enthusiastic
statement and found herself smiling in return. “I think Mrs. Jenkins knows
that’s your favorite. I
trust you were polite and offered to help with the dishes?”
“Of
course,” Cassandra replied from her end of the phone. “Although she fussed and said I
shouldn’t, like she always does when I try to help.”
One of
the nurses walked in to place a stack of files on her desk then and as Janet
looked up to nod an acknowledgement she noticed the clock on the wall. “Listen, Cassie, it’s
getting late. I better let you go
so you can get to bed.” A
persistent paternal guilt prompted her to add, “And I apologize again
about needing to stay tonight.”
“It’s
okay, Mom.”
Cassandra’s tone was all forgiving. “I know that with your job this
happens sometimes. Just promise
me you’ll take care of yourself
and try to get some rest when you can.”
Thirteen going on thirty, Janet mused. When
did my little girl get so responsible?
“I
promise to try,” she answered
aloud. She was tempted to reveal
her reason for staying on base but quickly dismissed the notion. No need to worry her daughter
concerning Daniel’s condition any sooner than absolutely
necessary. “I should be
home after my regular shift tomorrow, but if that changes I’ll call and
leave a message on your cell phone.”
“Sure. I’ll see you tomorrow then. Good night, Mom. Love you.”
“I
love you too, sweetheart. Sleep
well.”
Janet
hung up the phone, grateful once again for the relationship that existed with
their neighbors. The Jenkins had
taken to Cassie as if she was their own granddaughter and they loved having
her visit. It meant one less
thing to worry about in her rather complex occupation.
And I’ve already got too
much to worry about tonight.
Wearily
Janet pushed herself up from the chair – simultaneously attempting to
push such thoughts from her mind – and made her way out of her
office. The infirmary was
settling down for the night and by the time she completed making her rounds
all was quiet. The room was dim
and only one bed was occupied at the far end. Daniel slept there, seemingly
oblivious of the soft beeping of nearby medical equipment that reported the
steady rhythm of heartbeat and respiration.
The
medication that had been administered was a fair guarantee he’d sleep
through the night, but Janet was still careful as she approached the bed, not
wanting to disturb him. She made
a note of all the readouts and recorded the necessary updates to his
chart. She rechecked all his
intravenous lines. She even made
a pointless gesture of rearranging the half-empty water glass and spectacles
where they rested on the bedside tray.
There was
no reason to linger. And she knew
it wasn’t in her best interest to do so. But she remained, silently watching
him.
Logically,
she acknowledged, there was nothing more to be done. As much as she hated it, all indications
in behavior and medical symptoms made for a straightforward and solid
case. There was no cure. And, despite the SGC having an
outstanding medical facility, it could not provide appropriate care for this
situation.
So tomorrow morning you’ll see
to it that he’s heavily sedated and then they’ll transport him to
mental health. His life, such as
it will be, will continue there…
She
swallowed hard and reflexively clenched her fists where they rested at her
sides. Don’t you even go there, Janet Fraiser. Just don’t go there.
She knew
the danger inherent in befriending those who were under her regular medical
care. Still, she’d chosen
to take the risk. And in light of
all she’d gained from her friendships, Janet did not regret that
decision.
But I definitely got more than I
bargained for where Daniel Jackson is concerned, she thought, stepping closer to
his bed.
He was
lying on his back, the bed sheet only pulled up to his waist. He was still dressed in SGC fatigue pants
and a tee, but she knew his boots and socks were tucked safely away in the
closet. He’d developed a
bit of stubble on his face. All
things considered, they probably wouldn’t allow him to shave in the
morning. Janet felt her eyes mist
with tears as she realized that was the least of the things Daniel would
never be able to do again.
“I’m
so sorry,” she whispered.
For a
moment she wished he were awake.
The small apology she’d just spoken, though heartfelt, did
little to ease her sense of remorse and Janet realized she desperately wanted
some sign of assurance from him.
Reaching
up she placed a hand gently against his forehead and began to brush his hair
with her fingertips. “This
isn’t how I wanted it to be.”
Since
that night, when she’d become aware her feelings toward Daniel were
beyond friendship, Janet had begun to distance herself. She’d been subtle, she thought,
making minor adjustments where she could. Professionally she treated him no
differently. She’d always
made a point to maintain the necessary objectivity in that aspect of her
relationship in order to do her job effectively. But she no longer dropped by his
office, or sought him out when going to lunch or for a coffee break. She was conscious of avoiding casual
glances across the briefing room table now, and she’d ceased pausing
for small talk every time they passed in the hall.
Initially
she believed Daniel hadn’t noticed, or if he had, then hadn’t
taken offense. But his choice not
to confide in her upon SG-1’s return from that last incident with
Hathor hurt her more than she cared to admit. She couldn’t help but wonder if,
in her need for detachment, she’d pushed him away too much and thus
damaged their friendship. But in
light of recent events she couldn’t be certain if that was the true
reason for his behavior, or if it was possibly related to the onset of this
schizophrenia.
Likewise
she couldn’t fight the reproachful speculation that if she’d not
been so keen on isolating herself then she might have noticed signs of his
condition sooner. She still
couldn’t have done anything medically to help him, but that
didn’t make her feel any less guilty.
“It’s
just so unfair.”
Janet
knew, in his anesthetized state, Daniel probably hadn’t heard her soft
murmuring. But when he suddenly
stirred she reflexively glanced at the monitors to note any change in his
stats. Heart rate and respiration
had risen slightly and when Janet looked back she saw that Daniel was indeed
awake. His eyes darted about the
room several times before finally attempting to focus on her.
“Janet?” His voice was heavy and anxious.
“I’m
here,” she answered automatically.
He
blinked and as his breathing began to slow he said, “I’m in the
infirmary, aren’t I?”
“That’s
right.” Keeping her tone low
and gentle she went on, “We agreed it was safer if you slept here
tonight. Do you remember?”
He gave a
slight nod but didn’t meet her eyes. “Yes. I remember.”
“Are
you feeling okay? You seemed a
little… startled, for a moment.”
“I
was seeing the dead Goa’uld again,” he said slowly. “But I think it was just a dream
this time, not an out right hallucination.”
Daniel
reached up, as if to rub his forehead, but in doing so his arm collided with
Janet’s. She’d
completely forgotten that she was still stroking his hair and as her gaze
locked with his she felt her face flush with heat.
“I’m
sorry,” she stammered, quickly pulling her hand away. “I don’t know what I
was—”
“It’s
okay,” he interrupted.
Offering a small smile he added, “It was actually quite
soothing.”
“Oh.” Janet didn’t know quite how to
take that comment and, considering how tightly her emotions were strung, she
opted to avoid any analysis of it.
Feeling decidedly self-conscious she crossed her arms and sought
frantically for something else to say.
“You’re
medicating me,” Daniel said abruptly. His eyes lowered to where the IV was
inserted along his arm.
“Yes. Just a little something to help you
sleep, that’s all.”
There hadn’t been any accusation in Daniel’s tone but she
wanted to reassure him nonetheless.
“Right.” He was silent for several seconds and
then his gaze sought hers again.
“Janet, do you… do you really believe I’m
schizophrenic?”
Janet
felt the threat of tears again and swallowed. When she finally answered her voice
was strained. “I
don’t want to believe it,
but…”
“But
the doctor knows better,” he finished for her. This time the tiny smile
couldn’t completely alter his somber countenance.
“Daniel,
I’m more than just your doctor,” she said softly. Her arms relaxed at her sides again
but she fought the urge to reach out and touch him.
“I
know.” His expression was
tender, full of absolution and understanding. He closed his eyes and took a slow,
deep breath. When he spoke again
it was so hushed she barely heard him.
“I know.”
Janet
took opportunity of his seeming withdrawal to wipe the dampness from her
cheeks. “I should let you
get back to sleep,” she said, and turned to go.
“Stay?”
The clear
desperation in that whispered plea halted her more forcefully than the hand
that had unexpectedly grasped her arm.
Steeling herself, Janet looked over her shoulder and met his gaze.
“I
just don’t…” he faltered. The grip on her arm eased and he
slowly lowered his hand to clasp her own. “I don’t want to be alone
right now.”
Not
daring to second guess herself Janet quickly reached for one of the rolling
chairs near by. She pulled it up
beside his bed and sat down, never once releasing his hand.
“I’ll
stay,” she promised.
“You try to rest and I’ll—”, she paused,
giving his hand a squeeze even as she brought her other hand up to begin
tenderly smoothing his hair again.
“I’ll be right here.”
There was
such genuine gratitude in his expression that Janet felt her heart might
burst, but she managed a slight smile in return. Daniel closed his eyes and she watched
him, waiting for his breathing to even out, silently willing him toward a
restful, dreamless sleep.
The next
thing she was consciously aware of was being lightly jostled at her shoulder.
“Doc?”
Janet
blinked away her grogginess in an attempt to place the familiar voice.
“Doc,
you awake?”
It was
Colonel O’Neill, she finally decided. Then she realized she was seated and
hunched forward, with her head resting along the edge of one of the infirmary
beds.
“I
must have fallen asleep,” Janet stated as she slowly sat up. Her back and neck protested at being
stationary for too long but she ignored the pain, her focus instead falling
to where her hand still clasped Daniel’s at his side.
“How
is he?” O’Neill asked.
Janet
couldn’t help but note how ridiculous it was to ask such a question
since she’d only just now woken.
Nor did she miss how the colonel surreptitiously averted his gaze,
allowing her opportunity to carefully extricate her hand.
She stood
and made a cursory inventory of Daniel’s readouts on the monitor before
answering, “He appears to be resting well.”
O’Neill,
hands thrust casually in his pockets, turned his eyes on her then. “And how about you, Doc? How are you doing?”
She took
a steadying breath and returned that look with equal honesty. “I’ve been better.”
The
colonel gave a barely perceptible nod, glanced back to the figure in the bed,
and whispered, “Yeah. I
know what you mean.”
Janet
stood motionless, aware she was being given a rare glimpse of the deep,
strong emotion she’d always suspected this man felt. Then, as quickly as it had appeared,
the window was closed.
“Listen
Doc, it’s still early.
McKenzie and his crew won’t be round for another two or three
hours at least. Why don’t
you take a break, grab a shower or something to eat?” Her gaze drifted Daniel’s
direction again and she heard O’Neill add, “Don’t worry,
I’ll sit with him. Promise
to send for you if anything changes.”
Janet met
O’Neill’s eyes, allowing him some of the same disclosure
he’d provided her.
“Thank you.”
The
colonel simply nodded in reply, then positioned himself in the now empty
chair, taking over her vigil. She
headed for the exit, pausing only long enough to cast one final glance at
Daniel before walking out the door.
^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ * ^ *
“Looks
like you’re in the clear, Teal’c,” Janet said, closing his
chart. “You’re free
to go.”
“Teal’c!”
Janet
recognized the voice even before she turned to see Daniel standing in the
doorway. As he entered the
infirmary, his attention fixed on the Jaffa,
a smile began spreading slowly across his face.
“What’s
this?” Daniel asked.
“I come all the way down here to visit a recuperating friend, and
I find you already up and about?”
Janet
marveled at his lighthearted demeanor.
No matter how many times he suffered some physical crisis due to alien
influence, Daniel always tried to return to normalcy as soon as possible. And that meant, at least in part, his
being more concerned about his friends than himself.
“Indeed,”
the older man replied. “I
have just been granted an official release from medical care.” Pivoting slightly to face her,
Teal’c offered a nod of respect.
“Once again, Doctor Frasier, I am in your debt.”
Janet
smiled up at the tall Jaffa. “Teal’c, I just looked
after you a bit. You, and your
symbiote, did the hard part.”
“Perhaps,”
Teal’c replied, nodding again.
“But had you and Major Carter not devised a means to combat Machello’s
devices, my struggle for recovery would have been in vain.”
Janet
felt a flush of embarrassment and wondered if it was simply due to
Teal’c’s open praise or the fact that Daniel was standing there
to hear it.
“Let’s
chalk it up to team effort then,” she finally managed, suddenly feeling
the need to make a quick escape.
Clutching the file against her chest she went on, “Now, if
you’ll excuse me, there’s a patient and some other matters I need
to check on.”
The only
other current infirmary occupant – Sergeant Davidson – hardly
required her attention, but Janet was grateful for the excuse. After speaking with him briefly she
grabbed the few medical files she needed and sat at one of the computer
stations in the corner to work.
She briefly noted that Daniel and Teal’c were still chatting at
the opposite end of the room, and then forced herself to ignore them as she
dove into the files.
She hated
the fact that now, due to her altered feelings toward Daniel, his presence
sometimes made her feel uneasy or self-conscious. And it certainly hadn’t helped
that she’d let down her guard the other night and had behaved so
unreservedly. She’d
wondered several times since Daniel had been cured if he even recalled that
night. He’d been under the
influence of sedatives, after all.
And additional medications had been prescribed while he was at the
mental health facility. But such
thoughts only served to remind her of the guilt she still harbored.
If you hadn’t been so
fixated on your little problem of falling for him you might actually have
noticed something to clue you in that he wasn’t truly developing
schizophrenia!
“Right,”
Janet muttered under her breath, slamming the file she’d just finished
on top of the desk with more force than necessary.
“I
can assure you, based on personal experience, that the workload does not get any lighter just because you
handle it a little violently.”
Janet
started at the teasing interruption.
“Daniel,” she said, staring up at him blankly. “I, um… I thought you and
Teal’c had already left.”
Daniel
jabbed a thumb over his shoulder.
“Well, Teal’c did leave a second ago. Said something about doing some
kel-no-reem in his room.”
“Probably
a good idea,” Janet answered, glad for the opportunity to fall back on professional
conversation. “I know he
did a couple of sessions here in the infirmary, but I suspect it’s not
quite the same as what he can achieve in the solitude of his quarters.”
“Yeah,”
Daniel agreed, slipping his hands into his pockets.
When he
didn’t go on Janet asked, “So, do you need something?”
“Oh,
no, no.”
Janet
instantly perceived the sense of hesitation in him. But something about it struck her as
different from any type of awkwardness or nervousness she’d ever
noticed in him before.
Just because you’re battling
personal emotions is no reason to keep pushing him away, she mentally scolded. He’s
still your friend, and he’s just been through a rough ordeal.
Purposefully
meeting his gaze she said, “Are you sure?”
Something
in his expression softened then and when he answered his voice sounded
hopeful. “Actually, I was
wondering… if maybe I could talk to you?”
Instinct
warned her this was not going to be some light conversation and a quick
glance round the room, with it’s myriad staff and activities, told her
this probably wasn’t the best place. She checked the time and found her
alternative.
“It’s
a little after noon. I
haven’t eaten yet. How
about we go to lunch and you can start telling me what’s on your mind
along the way?”
For a split
second Janet thought a trace of surprise flashed in his eyes. It had been some time since
she’d offered to share a meal with him and she had a sudden trepidation
that he might actually refuse.
“Okay,”
he replied nonchalantly and stepped aside as she rose from her stool.
Despite
her suggestion, Daniel said nothing as they walked down the hall. The silence was becoming increasingly
uncomfortable for her but as they stepped onto the elevator he tentatively
cleared his throat.
“I’m
not really sure how to say this, so I’m just going to come right out
with it,” Daniel began as the elevator doors slid shut. “I feel like something is-- different between us.”
Janet
swallowed hard and stared straight ahead at the number panel on the
wall. She was relieved when,
after a brief pause, he kept talking, preventing her having to reply right
away.
“Maybe
it’s just me.” He
gave a half-shrug that Janet could just see in her peripheral vision. “Or else I wonder if maybe
I’ve done something to offend you.”
“No,”
she answered emphatically, turning to face him. Then she cringed inwardly, knowing she
couldn’t be completely honest with him. “You haven’t offended
me,” she said, choosing her words carefully. “I’ve… I’ve
just been working on a little problem I have of late, that’s
all.”
“Oh.” Hands slid into pockets again as he
leaned against the wall, leveled that familiar compassionate gaze on her, and
asked exactly what she knew he would.
“Do you want to talk about it? Maybe I can help.”
She
managed a smile even as her heart ached at the irony of his simple
offer. “I’m sorry,
Daniel, but there’s nothing you can do.” At his crestfallen expression she quickly
added, “It’s nothing serious—” and that’s a lie, her inner voice chided,
“—just something that’s kept me rather preoccupied,
I’m afraid.”
He still
looked uncertain but nodded in apparent acceptance. “Well, as long as you’re
sure it’s nothing serious.”
She
nodded and turned to face forward again, hoping he wouldn’t say
anything more about this particular subject. The elevator halted and as the doors
slid open she had to restrain herself from bolting straight into the hall.
Janet
strove to don a casual and composed manner as they walked along in silence,
but the atmosphere remained tense.
More than ever she missed that comfortable companionship they had,
until now, always settled into so naturally.
“There’s
something else,” Daniel eventually began again. His gait was somewhat aloof but his
tone had become distinctly serious.
“Of all the things that have happened to me, this recent ordeal
may have frightened me more than anything. And so I want to thank you for being
there for me, for staying with me the night before I was transferred to
mental health.”
It was
all Janet could do not to stumble.
So, he does remember.
“I
know it couldn’t have been easy for you, trying to do your job and
everything,” Daniel continued.
“But I really don’t think I could have made it through
this past experience without you.”
This time
she did falter, halting in mid-stride.
She stared ahead, almost dazedly.
Daniel had kept walking, apparently unaware that she’d stopped,
but when he finally turned and strode back to her Janet looked up and met his
eyes.
“But
it’s my fault you even had to go through the ordeal,” she blurted
in protest, finally expressing her guilt. “I’m the one who verified
all the medical tests and agreed with Doctor MacKenzie’s assessment,
when I should have been more like Colonel O’Neill and Sam, so sure that
you couldn’t really be sick.”
Janet
forced herself not to look away, even though she knew she’d see
incrimination reflected in Daniel’s gaze. But, to her surprise, he was smiling
bemusedly down at her.
“Is
that how you really feel?”
Reaching to take her hand he shook his head slightly and went on,
“Janet, if you gave in to your feelings all the time you wouldn’t
be a very good doctor, now would you?
You acted according to what you believed was in the best interest of
your patient. And as your friend, I wouldn’t want it to be any other way.”
Janet
gaped at him in disbelief.
She’d never anticipated such a gracious acquittal. “I… I don’t quite
know what to say.”
Daniel
shrugged. “Just say
you’re welcome, or you’re glad I’m feeling
better.” He gave her hand a
slight squeeze before releasing it.
“Or don’t say anything at all.”
Daniel
started down the hall again and, unconsciously, she fell into step beside
him. As her amazement began to
dissipate she noticed that something had changed. The silence between them was no longer
strained. The tension she’d
felt for days every time he was around had eased considerably. She turned her head and looked fixedly
at him, silently questioning if this alteration was some figment of her
imagination.
He
glanced at her then, offering a wink and the hint of a smile before returning
his attention forward. It was
enough to make her heart skip a beat, and she quickly turned her own gaze
straight ahead, but for the first time since acknowledging affection for him,
Janet didn’t feel like a complete fool.
Slowing
for a moment, she reached out and touched him on the sleeve. Daniel paused, eyebrows rising
slightly as he looked at her.
“Thank
you,” she said softly.
“Thank you for being such a good friend to me,
Daniel.” Then, stretching
up on tip toes, she gave him a light kiss on the cheek.
For a
moment he said nothing. Then a
warm, full smile slowly stretched along his mouth. “You’re welcome,” he
replied, gently touching the top of her hand where it still rested on his
arm.
They
stood there silently for a couple more seconds, Janet basking in the warmth
of his nearness and touch, before she pulled her hand away and continued down
the corridor.
“Up
for a bet on whether or not they have apple pie on the menu today?”
Daniel asked as they neared the mess hall entrance.
So, confessional time is over, it
appears, she
thought with some relief.
“No way – last time I took a gambling challenge from you I
ended up having to buy you lunch.”
She pushed open the door.
“Besides, I’m hoping for something chocolate.”
“Of
course you are.” He
followed through behind her.
“And woe unto the nurses on afternoon shift if you don’t
find any.”
Janet
almost laughed out loud. It had
been too long since she’d shared in light hearted banter with him. I’ve
missed it, she realized.
As they
stepped into the food line she noticed he stood close, hovering along the
edge of her personal space. It
was merely a habit of his, she knew, but it had also been several weeks since
he’d actually done it.
And I’ve missed him.
Daniel began
explaining about his latest translation project as they worked their way
through the line, pausing in the enthusiastic jargon only long enough to give
her a friendly nudge with his elbow when he spotted the chocolate cake in the
dessert section. The safe
familiarity of it all confirmed Janet’s earlier assessment.
I’ll have to guard my
feelings, but I can do this.
It’s not impossible for us to remain friends, she silently asserted.
Glancing
up at him, seeing the obvious love of his work as he rambled on, Janet felt
another smile pull at the corner of her mouth.
No, not impossible at all.
~ FINIS ~
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