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Suggested
Rating: for young
adult and older readers
Category: Daniel/Janet friendship
Setting: Missing scenes for Hathor
Synopsis: Janet ends up being the one to help
Daniel through the aftermath of what Hathor did to him.
Author’s
Comments: Part 4 in The Journey series. This was originally written in 2003,
in response to a semi-challenge of a personal friend who wanted to see Janet
be the one Daniel would talk to about the events he’d experienced in Hathor. When I decided to do this series, I
still wanted to keep the main idea of this story. Therefore I revised it, ever so
slightly, to make it fit a little better into the context of the overall
series. It’s enough like
the original that I opted to take that one down from my website. And if you’ve read the original
before, you won’t really miss anything if you want to skip on to Part
5. However, if you choose to read
this one again… well, that’s about the highest form of praise you
can give any author.
DISCLAIMER: All
publicly recognizable characters and places (the Stargate SG-1 stuff)
are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created
for entertainment only and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was
intended. Previously unrecognized
characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living
or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
BEING A FRIEND
- by Michelle Lunsford (originally
2003, revised January 2005)
Doctor Janet Frasier punched the key combination on the
keyboard, saving her latest report to the hard drive. It had taken her twice as long to
write, what with having one arm in a sling. Thankfully the wound to her arm
hadn’t been that bad. The
pain had mostly subsided, at least to the level that something as light as
Tylenol could handle, but it would still require her keeping the arm immobile
for a few days.
Rubbing her temple in an effort to release some tension,
she glanced at the clock. No wonder I’m so tired, she
thought, sighing heavily. If I had any sense I’d have called
it a night and headed home hours ago. Considering she had to be back on duty
later that day she wondered if staying in her personal quarters would be
better than going home. It
wouldn’t be the first time she’d spent the night on base, and
she’d learned to keep extra clothes and personal items in her locker,
just in case.
Another sigh gave way to a full-fledged yawn. Yes,
it’s going to be an SGC bed tonight. She would just need to put a few
things away and gather up her files.
With any luck she could be asleep in twenty minutes.
A soft tapping interrupted her thoughts and Janet turned
around as she stood. Doctor
Jackson was standing in the doorway, looking more rumpled and weary than she
felt. He was bearing a mug of
coffee and a semi-apologetic expression.
“Excuse me, Doctor Frasier,” he began. “I- um, I was just getting some
coffee and saw the light on. I
thought you’d be gone for the night.”
For a moment her somewhat addled brain wondered why
he’d been searching out coffee on level 21, but then decided she was
too tired to work it out.
“So did I,” she responded to his comment, not bothering to
hide her fatigue.
He nodded slowly.
“Then I won’t keep you,” he said, turning to leave.
Janet gave herself a mental shake. She’d come to terms with the
fact that she now considered the members of SG-1 to be her friends as well as
her patients. And, considering
recent events, she figured Doctor Jackson could probably use a friend right
now.
She quickly moved to the door, hoping he hadn’t gone
too far down the hall. “Did
you want something, Doctor Jackson?” she asked, this time trying to
mask her exhaustion.
He hesitated before pivoting around. “I was just wondering if you had
any results from the tests,” he replied. Then he waved a hand, as if dismissing
the entire thing. “But, it
can wait until morning.”
He was turning to go, and once again Janet felt compelled
to extend the hand of friendship.
Yes, you’re tired, she
silently reasoned, but if you go to bed
now you’ll probably just lie awake worrying about him.
Not up to the task of arguing with herself, she called
after him, “Technically, it’s already morning. As long as we’re both awake come
on in and I’ll show you what test results I’ve got.”
Janet didn’t wait for an answer, but she did notice
he eventually followed her into the infirmary. As she began searching through the
files for what she needed she also surreptitiously studied her guest. Daniel had come in without a word,
sitting on one of the stools in one corner of the room. He was staring at the steaming brew in
his mug, which he gripped much too firmly. Everything about his body language was
screaming withdrawn, and Janet’s mind flashed to earlier in the day
when she’d been conversing with Captain Carter.
“I’m worried about him,” Sam had
said. “He won’t even
talk to me this time.”
“It’s only been a little over twenty-four
hours,” Janet had attempted to reassure her. “Give him more time.”
But now Janet wondered if perhaps her friend’s
concerns weren’t something worth considering more seriously. Just
going to have to play this one by ear, she thought, gathering the last of
Jackson’s
test results.
“As for your examination,” Janet began,
walking towards him, “everything checks out.” She scanned the charts before
continuing. “Blood work was
clean, and tests indicate no residual effects. You’re perfectly healthy.”
Daniel nodded, almost imperceptibly, but didn’t look
up. Janet fought a sigh as she
forged ahead.
“I still tend to believe that the source of
Hathor’s control was pheromone-based, but unfortunately I’ve not
been able to find any proof of that – not in your tests or anyone
else’s.”
“What about the residue, from the locker
room?” Daniel asked.
Janet grimaced at the tension in his voice.
“Nothing conclusive so far,” she admitted. “I don’t know if it’s
because the Goa’uld larvae were so young, or because they were so
damaged in the fire, but it’s not provided any new information
I’ve not already discovered about Goa’uld physiology. Which, admittedly, isn’t
much.”
“What about…” Daniel faltered, shifted
slightly on the stool. When he
finally spoke his voice was a hoarse whisper. “What about DNA?”
She’d wondered if perhaps this was why he’d
searched her out. Now she
knew. And there was no way she
could lie to him.
“It was yours.”
Daniel’s fingers tightened around his coffee,
knuckles turning white.
“Have you been able to remember anything
more?” she asked. So far,
all the men who had been affected had only been able to report scant memories
of what had taken place.
Daniel said nothing, only clutched the precious mug. Janet decided if she was going to
reach out, it was now or never.
Placing his file on one of the beds, she willed the
professional medical guise she habitually wore to retreat just a little. “Listen, if you don’t want
to talk about it, I understand.”
She paused.
But he still gave no response.
She took a couple steps closer to him, softening her voice
even further as she added, “But if you need someone to listen…
I’m here.”
Two more heartbeats of silence passed. A new tactic took form in her mind and
Janet opted to risk it.
“For what it’s worth, I might even be
able to relate – to understand.”
Daniel’s head snapped up at that and the look in his
eyes caused her to take an involuntary step backwards.
“How could you possibly?” His tone was caustic, accusing.
Janet moved towards him again, eager to explain, but he
abruptly stood. She was
unexpectedly overwhelmed by how much he towered over her. Before she could even think to respond
he pushed past her, vehemently slamming down his mug down on the nearest
table. Dazed, she stared at the
coffee that had splashed out, slowly seeping across the surface of her work
area.
Forcing herself to take deep breaths Janet did a mental
count to three. As she felt
herself beginning to calm she quietly moved to grab a paper towel and
methodically cleaned up the coffee, allowing the simple act to soothe her
further. When she felt she was
composed again, she turned around.
She was a little surprised to see Daniel hadn’t left
the room. He was standing, back
to her, arms taut as he clutched the edge of a table along the wall. That nagging sense to offer friendship
was still blaring in her conscious, and seeing him like this only ratcheted
it up a notch.
“In one sense, you’re right,” she began
slowly. “I can’t
possibly understand… But in another sense, I do understand.”
No further attack came and Janet took it as a positive
sign to continue.
“I used to be married,” she stated matter-of-fact. “It started out happy enough,
but unfortunately we hadn’t opted for a very long engagement
period. Over time I discovered
the man I’d fallen in love with wasn’t exactly the best man in
the world to be married to.”
As she talked Janet also watched Daniel. She wasn’t certain if this was
the best thing to be sharing, but for some reason her instinct had latched on
to these particular memories, and now that she’d started it she wanted
to finish. But if Daniel
wasn’t even listening to her, she didn’t think she could begin
this a second time. She
wasn’t positive but it looked as if his iron grip on the table was
slowly lessening. Encouraged by
this indication that she might be getting through, she resumed her story.
“But I was young, naïve. I didn’t want to consider that
I’d made a mistake. And so
there was a period of time, before I asked for a divorce--” she broke
off, a short laugh inexplicably bursting forth. But there was no humor in it, and the
hollow sound only reminded her that the recollections from this part of her
life could still be so painful.
“Before I realized I should get divorced,” she amended, “there was a
period of time when…”
She hesitated again.
Daniel had completely let go of the table and she was sure he was
listening. But now that it had
come to the crux of the matter she didn’t know if she could actually
say it. She swallowed hard.
“Like I said, I was naïve. I didn’t understand the
difference between honoring what I perceived to be my marital obligations, and
my right to say no.” She shivered, as unbidden images
suddenly poured through her mind.
“There was never any physical abuse. But there was… well, let’s
just say that I know how it feels to be taken advantage of.”
There, she’d said it. Her voice had sounded terribly shaky
to her own ears, and Janet realized she was hugging herself with her one good
arm, the way she’d used to in those early therapy sessions right after
the divorce. She hated it that
this part of her past still left her feeling so vulnerable. But at least she’d been able to
say it. The only other person
she’d ever confided in was the psychologist who had treated her for a
short time. Now she’d
finally been able to share it with one other human being. Well,
that has to be worth something, she thought.
Janet noticed Daniel was turning to face her now and she
drummed up courage to meet his eyes.
What she saw there caused her to forget her own inner turmoil as she
was once again moved to console the man before her. Pain, raw and fresh, was vivid in his
expression. But there was also a
look of comprehension and just a hint of that familiar compassion that
she’d come to associate with his character. And, Janet realized, there was
something else – shock, and perhaps even revulsion. It was like the glimpse of something
she’d seen before, the few times she’d witnessed Daniel outraged
by some huge injustice. Or outraged by mistreatment to a friend?
she wondered.
“I had no idea,” he said.
Janet noted his voice was even shakier than hers had been
a moment ago.
“I’m sorry...” His tone was extremely sincere and for
a moment Janet thought he was actually going to reach out to her. He shook his head sadly as he said
again, “I’m so
sorry.”
Janet gave in to the compulsion that had been plaguing her
since this whole thing began. She
crossed the room in quick, short strides, never once breaking eye
contact. She raised her free hand
to touch his arm, wanting to offer some small gesture of comfort, and noticed
her hand was trembling. But she
didn’t care. It
didn’t matter. Helping her
friend was all that mattered.
“I wasn’t trying to garner your
sympathy,” she confessed.
“I just wanted to make you understand that no matter how
horrible something is, no matter how much it hurts, you can get through it
with the help of a friend. And
while you may never forget, you can get past it. You can move on.”
Daniel nodded, but said nothing.
“I also know it really does help to talk about
it. It’s not easy, but it
helps.”
He nodded again, but this time Janet noticed his head
wobbled a bit too much as he did so.
He was clutching the table again, but now she realized it was for
support of a different kind. Oh no, don’t pass out on me! Janet knew if he went down there was
no way she could get him up off the floor on her own.
Reflexively she moved to his side, being careful of her
own injured arm as she pulled his arm around her shoulders in an effort to
act as a crutch. As he leaned his
weight against her there was a brief moment of panic – if he did pass
out now, Janet realized, he’d likely take her down with him.
“I think you need to sit down,” Janet
instructed, her voice reflecting she had automatically gone into doctor mode.
“Yeah, I think you’re right.”
She managed to help him to one of the beds and immediately
began a cursory examination. No
fever, but his pulse was erratic.
“When was the last time you ate?” she asked.
Daniel had leaned back against the pillow, eyes
closed. “I honestly
don’t remember,” he admitted.
“What about sleep?”
He shook his head in the negative.
Janet sighed. And he’s probably been consuming
coffee non-stop for who knows how long, she thought. She moved to her work station and
began rummaging through one of the drawers. It wouldn’t be the healthiest of
quick fixes but it was the best she could think of on short notice. And she didn’t want to risk
leaving him alone while she went to the commissary in search of something
better. Finding what she was
looking for she returned to her patient, ripped the paper off one end of the
item, and put it in his hand.
Daniel’s eyes fluttered open, focused on his hand,
and then on her.
“Snickers?” he asked, continuing to blink at
the object in his hand.
If I
didn’t know better, Janet thought, I’d swear there was a trace of humor in his tone.
“So I’m a choc-aholic,” she
replied. “Everyone has
their vices, Doctor Jackson. Now
eat.”
There was no mistaking that commanding tone and her
patient did as he was told. Janet
went to the small refrigerator, retrieved a bottle of water, and gave him
that as well. Then standing
silently beside his bed, she waited.
Daniel had finished the impromptu meal and was absently
twirling the empty water bottle between his fingers when he finally
began. “I can’t
decide if not being able to remember everything is good, or bad.”
“What exactly do you remember?” Janet
asked. Her question was motivated
as much by her doctor persona as it was her role as concerned friend. He hadn’t exactly been
forthcoming on this question when she’d given him an examination the
previous day.
“It’s a combination of images and what other
people have said,” he answered.
“I mean, I’ve read your and Sam’s preliminary
reports about what happened. And
I have these pictures – flashes of things in my mind. But, it’s almost as if I’m
watching someone else, and not me, in them.”
Janet eased her hands into the pockets of her lab coat,
quietly watching him. She would
let him go at his own pace.
“It’s odd,” he began again, “but I
can remember as I talked with Hathor, as I learned more about her and who she
was – or rather what she was – I was both fascinated and
repulsed. And I can remember her
asking me these questions. Would
I always serve her, would I be willing to die for her? Then I hear my own voice, eagerly
saying yes. I keep thinking, that
can’t be me. I should have
said no. Surely I would have said
no.” His voice took on a
hard edge. “But the image
is in my head, and it’s so clear.
And I’m saying yes.”
Silence, as the plastic bottle continued it’s random
dance between his hands.
“But that’s hardly the worst of it,” he
whispered, his voice tensing even more.
“My loyalty wasn’t all she asked of me.”
Janet waited as he paused again. His grip on the empty bottle tightened
momentarily and she wondered what internal demon he was presently
fighting. She watched as he
forced himself to release his grip and then slowly set the bottle on the tray
beside the bed. Suddenly Daniel
drew his legs toward him, lightly wrapping his arms around his knees. Then he inclined his head at the newly
emptied space.
She was a little surprised at the open invitation for her
to sit beside him. But she’d offered to be a friend and there was no
way she was going to falter now.
Easing up onto the bed, Janet faced him, and steadily met his eyes.
“As ashamed as I am to admit this, part of me was
pleased that she chose me.”
He searched her gaze and she noticed there was an almost desperate
pleading in his expression now.
“What… what does that say about me?”
Janet reached to touch his arm. She wondered fleetingly if the gesture
was too familiar or presumptuous, but he didn’t pull away.
“It says you’re human. We all have a desire to be
accepted. And you weren’t
exactly yourself. However Hathor
managed to accomplish it, she took normal, healthy human emotions and
responses and she manipulated them for her own evil purposes.” She gave his arm a gentle squeeze. “You have nothing to be ashamed
of.”
Daniel held her eyes and Janet was almost sure she saw
some of the anxiety fade before he finally looked away.
“I don’t know that I completely agree,”
he said. “But thank
you.”
Silence fell between them again. But it wasn’t uncomfortable and
Janet was content to wait.
“I have this one memory,” he went on, a little
haltingly, as if struggling to recall.
“I think I did actually try to fight her once. It was as if this voice in my head
– I could barely hear it, though it felt as if I was screaming –
was telling me I could not do
this. I remember grabbing her
arm, in some effort to stop her.
Then everything went all hazy again. And all I could think was how
wonderful and beautiful she was and how privileged I was to be chosen
as… as her Pharaoh.”
Janet didn’t miss how this last part was uttered
with the utmost contempt.
Daniel sighed heavily before continuing. “When it was over, I
remember… well it was almost like waking from some dream. I wasn’t entirely sure what had
happened. I mean, I knew what had happened--”
Janet noticed his expression changed slightly, revealing
some of his embarrassment. But he
pressed on.
“--but everything was still kind of fuzzy. I knew that Hathor was gone, but for
some reason I wasn’t bothered by that.”
His expression altered again, as if some new thought or
revelation had occurred, and he became slightly more animated.
“What I definitely remember now is that I felt
terribly exposed. And not just
for the obvious reason.”
There was a hint of that embarrassed look again.
“No, there was more to it than that,” he
said. “I think it was
beginning to dawn on me the implications of what had happened. And I had this overwhelming urge to
get up, to get dressed and just get the hell out of there. I managed to find my pants, and my
jacket…”
Another pause, and Janet could tell his mind was running
on some tangent he couldn’t quite grasp.
“I have no idea what happened to my shirt, come to
think of it,” Daniel admitted off handedly. He shook his head, seeming to find his
focus again. “But
that’s neither here nor there.
Once I was dressed, as much as I wanted to leave that room, I just- I couldn’t. I remember sitting on the edge of the
bed – the image is so perfectly clear in my mind – I was sitting
there, I wanted to leave, but I simply could not move. And then the door burst open and there
was Sam – I could hear her asking if I was all right. I could see her and the obvious
concern on her face as she took in the situation, me, the room--”
Now it was Janet’s turn to fight a look of
embarrassment. She’d not
been able to miss the state of the room either.
“--I know I wanted to answer her but I
couldn’t.” He paused
momentarily, purposefully meeting her gaze. “And I remember seeing you too,
out of the corner of my eye. You
were standing just inside the doorway and I noticed you were armed, and
everyone was dressed in fatigues.
I kept thinking what in the
world is going on? You both
looked so worried and I desperately wanted to be able to say something, but I
just – I just couldn’t!”
he finished in one final burst of frustration.
“It’s okay,” Janet soothed, squeezing
his arm again. “It’s
okay.”
Daniel’s gaze fell away and she waited while he
collected his thoughts. The
doctor in her was still keeping a close eye on him but it appeared he was
regaining control. His breathing
had slowed and the tension in his body was easing. When he finally began again his voice
was so low it was barely audible.
“I know that what happened--” he faltered.
Janet remained still, silently willing him to gather the
courage she knew he had.
“Logically,” he began again, “I can
understand that we were all under Hathor’s power and influence. And so I know that, in a sense, it
wasn’t really me.
But that doesn’t change the fact that… I mean, it
doesn’t…” Daniel closed his eyes and shook his head,
exhaling a heavy sigh.
“Maybe I don’t know what I mean.”
“It doesn’t change the fact that you still
feel horrible about it all,” Janet said softly.
Daniel’s eyes snapped open and he met her stare in a
flash of genuine understanding.
This time he placed his own hand on top of hers, where it still rested
on his arm. He nodded slowly and
gently squeezed her hand.
“Yes,” he whispered, his tone reflecting a sense
of relief.
The connection held a few seconds longer before Daniel
released her hand and lowered his eyes, retreating to his own thoughts
again. The moment had been
unique, almost intimate. But
Janet was wise enough to realize when it had ended and she too pulled her
hand away.
“I keep wondering,” Daniel said quietly,
“what Sha’re would have thought of all this.”
The confession came so out of the blue that it caught
Janet a little off guard. Although it shouldn’t really come as
a surprise that he would think that, she considered a second later. Still, she wasn’t sure how to
respond. And despite the fact it
had seemed a rhetorical statement, Janet couldn’t help feeling that
maybe he really did want a response.
“I don’t
know,” Janet slowly began. “But,
as your friend, I know what I think
of all this. I think it’s
awful what happened and I think Hathor used you abominably.” She noticed Daniel was pulling his
gaze back to look at her and she pressed ahead, finally releasing some of the
emotion she’d experienced during the whole ordeal. “I’m thankful Sam figured
out something was wrong and I’m glad I was able to do what I could to
help. Even despite this,”
she indicated her wounded arm, “I’d go back in a heartbeat and do
it all again. I’d do more if I knew it could have prevented
what happened to you. And even
though, as a doctor, everything I do is about saving lives, I’m
convinced that if I’d had Hathor in my sights, I would’ve gladly
taken her out.”
Janet was surprised by the vehemence in her tone and from
the expression on Daniel’s face she guessed he was as well. He glanced away, lost in his own
thoughts for a few seconds, before meeting her eyes again.
“I haven’t really thanked you, for what you
did,” he said, the hint of a smile tugging at the corner of his
mouth. “If it hadn’t
been for you, Sam, and the others…” He shook his head, as if forcibly
shaking away whatever had just come to mind.
“Let’s just be grateful it didn’t come
to that,” Janet finished for him, offering a tiny smile of her own.
“Yes,” he agreed. “But I want to thank you, all
the same.”
And then, to Janet’s utter astonishment, Daniel
leaned forward and very gently kissed her on the cheek.
There was a brief sense of awkwardness as he pulled
away. For a moment Janet feared
the sensation would get worse, as Daniel looked decidedly
self-conscious. But he appeared
to be regaining his composure quickly.
“I’m sorry,” Daniel sighed. He raised his glasses, rubbed at his
eyes before repositioning the spectacles again. “I’m obviously very
exhausted. I should go to my room
and collapse now.”
Janet couldn’t help but smile. That tone of voice – yes, Daniel
was definitely more himself now.
And she didn’t realize until now just how much that relieved
her.
“Right,” she said, her doctor attitude coming
forward again as she slid down from the bed.
Daniel stood too, and Janet noticed that even in his tired
state he was considerate enough to pick up the empty water bottle and candy
wrapper, and to place them in the trash.
He then went about locating his coffee mug and earnestly apologized
for the mess he’d made earlier.
Yes, Janet mused, definitely acting more like himself.
“Are you going to be okay?” Janet called out
as he reached the door. “I
mean, will you be able to sleep?
I can give you something, if you like.”
Daniel faced her and managed a slight smile. “No. You’ve already given me what I
needed – a friend to listen.
I’ll be able to sleep fine.
Thanks.”
“Very well.
Good night, Doctor Jackson.”
He slipped his hands into his pockets and his smile
broadened. He purposefully met
her eyes and there was warmth in his voice as he said,
“Daniel.” Then he
turned and headed down the hall.
Janet felt her own smile as it tugged at her mouth. Perhaps
this being friends with my patients isn’t going to be such a bad thing
after all.
~ FINIS ~
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