Suggested
Rating: PG-13
Category: Daniel/Janet
Setting: During and after the episode, Entity
Synopsis: Some things are tougher the second time
around.
Author’s
Comments: Part 30 in The Journey series. Thanks
to Sonia for her edits and encouragement.
And to Izzie for letting me bounce some ideas off her here and there.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly
recognizable characters and places (the Stargate SG-1 stuff) are the
property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for
entertainment only and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was
intended. Previously unrecognized
characters and places, and this story, are creations of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or
dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER
THAN WORDS
- by
Michelle Lunsford (March 2009)
The ventilator connected to Sam’s inanimate
form pumped a steady rhythm. Infirmary
personnel added to the cadence as they drifted in and out of the medical
observation room. But for Daniel,
hovering in the corner, it was Jack’s tortured silence at Sam’s bedside that
roared loudest of all.
No matter what happens, no matter how this turns out, Sam wasn't
wrong to try and communicate with it.
Daniel still believed what he’d said, but
that wasn’t making it any easier to stand by and watch his friend die.
He sighed, arms locking across his
chest. Or to watch the ones I care about endure the pain of losing her too.
He glanced at the clock and frowned. Janet had been gone for nearly half an
hour. When she’d left the room after
checking the life support equipment, Daniel hadn’t thought much of it. Either she needed to check on something in
another part of the infirmary or she was taking a moment to fortify herself for
the task at hand. He’d learned enough
about her over the years to know that such an instance was not the best time to
approach her, even if he did want to offer support. But he’d expected her return before now. Frown deepening, he slipped out the door and
went in search of her.
She wasn’t in her office or the main
infirmary wing. As a final resort he
headed for the medical lab. A quick
inspection revealed a couple of techs engrossed in their work, but no sign of
Janet. One of the techs glanced up.
“Doctor Jackson? May we help you?”
“No, thank you.” He waved an apology to the young man even as
he moved toward the door. “Didn’t mean
to interrupt.”
“Wait—”
It was the female tech this time.
“Were you…” She was doing a poor
job of disguising a knowing smile. “Were
you looking for Doctor Fraiser?”
He blinked.
You can worry about the SGC gossip
mill later, his inner voice snapped.
Leveling an exigent look that he’d picked up from too much time around
Jack O’Neill, he huffed, “Yes. Do you
know where she is?”
Hastily smoothing her expression, the
assistant shook her head. “No sir. But I did see her getting on the elevator
earlier. No more than twenty minutes
ago.”
He nodded and mumbled thanks, his thoughts
already elsewhere.
If I
have to start searching the entire base, I could spend hours and still not find
her. And why, at a time like this, would
she leave the medical level anyway?
He headed back in the direction of the
observation room, reasoning that Janet would show up there eventually. Rounding the corner, he caught sight of her
entering her office and relief washed over him.
He followed her, remnants of his anxiety
cascading forth as he burst into the room and demanded, “Where have you been?”
Janet, who’d been standing at a file cabinet,
pivoted to stare at him wide-eyed. “Why,
what’s the matter? Is there a change in
Sam’s condition?”
Realizing his query had come out harsher than
he’d intended, Daniel raised his hands in a placating gesture and stepped
farther into the room. “No, no—sorry, I
didn’t mean to startle you.” He dropped
his hands to his side. “You’d been gone
for a while and I was starting to get concerned.”
She seemed to deflate right in front of
him. Nodding absently she turned back to
the open cabinet. “There was something I
needed to verify from Sam’s file.” Her
voice was hollow, her movements almost mechanical as she closed and locked the
drawer. “And then I had to speak to
General Hammond.” She continued facing
the cabinet, one hand lingering near the push-button lock.
He took a hesitant step toward her. “Janet, is everything okay?”
Her laugh was bitter and despairing. “Daniel, what the hell kind of question is
that?”
“I’m sorry,” he muttered, eyes closing against
a recurring aggravation. He’d been
saying that far too often of late.
Their relationship was proving more
challenging this second time around.
They’d spent hours in conversation over the phone, and had even regained
much of their former amity at work. But
in moments like these Daniel sensed an insurmountable wall remained between
them.
“It’s not your fault.” The weariness in her voice was tangible and
as Daniel opened his eyes he saw she’d turned to face him. She leaned wearily against the file cabinet,
hands buried in the pockets of her lab coat.
“We’re all on edge right now,” she added. “I’m sorry I barked at you like that.”
“It’s okay.”
He tried to catch her eye but she was looking into the distance,
distracted and pensive. “Do you want to
talk about it?”
A firm shake of the head was her only reply.
I
thought as much but it was worth a try.
“It’s not that I don’t appreciate what you’re
trying to do.” Janet met his gaze then
and the sorrow reflected there made his own pain seem small. “But I know if I start discussing it—” her
voice broke as she hastily glanced away.
“I understand,” he assured. It was small consolation when every part of
him ached to take her in his arms and, at least for a moment, forget the
madness going on around them.
But if
she fears breaking down by merely talking about the situation, then I doubt
she’d appreciate physical gestures of comfort right now.
Taking a deep breath, he offered what little
he could. “Just remember that I’m here
for you.”
She looked up at him, a dark ambiguity
swirling in her eyes. Her tone was cold
as she retorted, “Are you really?”
He stared at her, mouth gaping. But it appeared she wasn’t interested in
allowing him time to recover, much less formulate an answer.
“If you’ll excuse me, I have to give some
important information to the colonel.”
She pushed past him, the familiar clack, clack, clack of her heels
echoing relentlessly down the hall.
^
* ^ *
^ * ^
* ^ *
^ * ^
* ^ *
When the crisis was over Daniel made a point
to check on his teammate. Janet had kept
busy seeing to Sam’s recovery and care, but he couldn’t help noticing that she
steered clear of him during his infirmary visit. Once it was verified that the entity was gone
and all computer systems were back on-line, the quarantine was lifted. Too exhausted to bother with driving, he
opted to stay in base quarters for the night.
But he suspected Janet, eager for the comfort of familiar surroundings
and Cassie’s presence, would have headed home as soon as possible.
He’d only gotten as far as taking off his
boots before he heard the knock at his door.
Given his mood, and the fact he was off duty, he considered ignoring
it. But the notion that it could be something important gnawed at
his conscience enough that he forced himself off the bed and across the room.
He blinked at the petite figure standing in
the doorway. “Janet?”
She took in his appearance with a single
glance. “I hope I’m not disturbing
you.” The cordiality in her tone
couldn’t quite mask the unease radiating off her.
“No.”
He pulled off his glasses to rub his eyes. “No, I was just…” he paused and focused on
her before slipping the spectacles on again.
“Janet, what are you doing here?”
She didn’t flinch from what, he knew, could
have been taken as an accusation. “I
know it’s late and we’re both worn out,” she replied, “but I wanted…I needed to
talk to you.”
Great
timing,
his inner voice quipped. But he couldn’t
deny that, despite his fatigue, he was likely to lie sleepless for some time
tonight, plagued by thoughts of failure in this relationship. And
she’s made the first move by coming here, which is a sign you haven’t
completely screwed up. Yet.
He opened the door further and stepped aside.
As she entered he motioned to the room’s
single chair. Janet shook her head and
remained standing near the door.
“Janet, please.” He took a slow breath to stonewall this new
assault of irritation. “I don’t have the
energy to keep from falling over and neither do you. Just sit.”
Not waiting for an answer he moved to the bed and positioned himself on
the edge, facing the chair.
After a few seconds she took the seat. She made a point of clasping her hands in her
lap and studying them before looking up.
“I’m sorry for what I said and how I behaved toward you earlier today.”
“I forgive you.”
Her mouth was open to say more but at his
instant pardon she faltered, staring at him in uncertainty.
“Does that really surprise you?” He shook his head, trying not to allow her
doubt to add to his frustration. “As
much as I care about you, Janet, forgiveness is the easy part. It always has been.”
Understanding flashed before her eyes shifted
to focus on her hands again.
“Right. It’s the healing
afterward that’s difficult.”
This
isn’t painless for her either, he reminded himself. Give
her a chance. Offer what you can.
“Well, as any good doctor knows, healing has
to progress in stages. I won’t deny that
what you said today hurt me.” He
purposefully kept his voice gentle.
“But, as you pointed out, we were both on edge at the time. Now...”
He shrugged when she glanced up again.
“Now we both know Sam is going to be okay. And you’re here. You made a point to come and try to talk this
out. I appreciate that.”
“It’s true I allowed my emotions to get the
better of me.” Shifting her attention
toward the floor she shook her head before going on. “I don’t know, Daniel… I thought Sam was dead. Despite all the logical arguments I considered,
part of me felt responsible because I hadn’t been able to do anything to help
her.” Her voice was quivering. “Then I had to tell the colonel about Sam’s
living will. I was driving myself crazy
wondering how I was going to break the news to Cassie. I knew the situation was starting to get to
me, and then you showed up… It wasn’t
right to take it out on you, but that’s what happened anyway.”
“I’d more or less guessed all that
already. But it still doesn’t tell me
what I’d like to know.”
Her head jerked up, eyes locking with his as
her brow crinkled in confusion.
“Janet, I know things between us haven’t been
the best lately,” he began slowly. “I
anticipated that there would be awkwardness, maybe even unexpected issues
arising as we tried to give our relationship another shot. Still, I believed we’d be able to work
through it. Together. So today, when you
questioned my being there for you—” his words stalled in an abrupt exhale and
he raked a hand through his hair.
She didn’t use the opportunity he’d
unintentionally left open to make a reply, mollifying his aggravation
somewhat. Working quickly to regain
focus he took a deep breath and started again.
“If there is some reason why you doubt my
commitment to this relationship, I need to know.”
“Daniel, it’s not that I question your
sincerity. I know you want to be there for me. But,” she paused, reaching up to massage her
forehead, “you’re right – a relationship is proving more difficult this time.”
Alarm kindled in the pit of his stomach causing
him to instinctively lean forward, elbows propped against his knees. “Are you saying—is this not what you want
anymore?”
Eyes widening, she scooted toward the edge of
her seat and grasped his hand. “No,
that’s not what I’m saying at all. What
I mean is this is more difficult than I anticipated too. And maybe even in ways that I hadn’t
considered. But our being together… it’s
definitely what I want.”
Peering over his glasses he persisted, “Then
what is the problem?”
She opened her mouth to reply, then seemed to
think better of it and averted her eyes.
Daniel was willing to allow her time to gather her thoughts but as she
remained silent, dread taunted him again.
It wasn’t until he caught the almost imperceptible “humph” of curiosity
that slipped past her lips that he realized she wasn’t avoiding answering
him. She’d merely been distracted, by a
sight which now captured his attention as well — Janet’s hand, securely
entwined with his.
“We’ve been back together for weeks
now.” Her voice was low, rippling with a
hint of sadness, and as Daniel stole a glance back at her he saw she continued
to stare at their interlaced fingers.
“And yet this is the first time we’ve so much as held hands.”
A dozen excuses sprang to mind, all of them
empty. He squeezed gently, tracing a
thumb across her knuckles. “Late night
phone calls, conversations over coffee, and shared meals in the mess hall are
all well and good, but I suppose they don’t quite make up for being able to
spend time together away from work.”
She nodded as she tore her gaze away from
their clasped hands. “I know. And I know we’ve been busy, that it’s been
tough to find time—” she cut herself off and locked eyes with him. “But it’s more than that.”
He raised his eyebrows in unspoken question
even as a sudden lump formed in his throat, causing him to swallow hard.
“Today, in my office, when you asked if I
wanted to talk, I did want to.”
“I understand why you couldn’t.” He’d meant to assure her but bewilderment
colored his tone as he struggled to figure out where she was headed.
“I know.”
A smile tugged unsuccessfully at the corner of her mouth. “And I am grateful that you didn’t press me
to talk anyway. I would have come undone
and I couldn’t afford that, not at the time.”
He nodded, pressing her hand in encouragement
to continue.
“But what I wanted more than anything was for
you to simply take those last few steps between us and offer some small
gesture—a touch on my shoulder, a squeeze to my hand, something to remind me that I wasn’t suffering alone.”
Brow furrowing, Daniel couldn’t stop himself
from blurting, “But that doesn’t make sense.
If talking would have caused you to break down, I thought something like
that would have caused it even more.”
“Maybe it would have.” This time her smile managed to form but it
was small and sad. Her eyes glistened as
she explained, “But it’s been in more than this instance, Daniel. You used to have the most wonderful way of
letting me know you were near. It was
always subtle — a brush against my arm, or a gentle, friendly touch, even
something as simple as drifting into my personal space.” Her shoulder moved in a half shrug. “Maybe it wasn’t anything you were consciously
aware of doing. But you haven’t been
doing any of those things since we got back together. Couple that with the fact that we haven’t had
opportunity to share time outside of work and—” her gaze fell away.
Daniel considered her accusation. The actions she’d mentioned had begun at a subconscious level, ways
he’d behaved toward her even before he’d admitted to himself that he had
feelings for her. But that behavior had
become an intentional choice by the time they decided to move beyond the bounds
of friendship.
Only
now you have been avoiding doing those things, he silently
admitted. Whether it’s by conscious choice or not is something I’ll have to
examine in more depth later, but for now all that matters is Janet is right.
He stood, gently tugging her along with
him. “Come here.”
She tensed, making it feel more like a statue
in his arms than anything else, but he held her close, running a hand gently up
and down her back. Eventually she
relaxed against him, and when she shifted to slip her arms around his waist,
Daniel felt the tiny shudder that traveled across her shoulders. While her tears ran their course, he murmured
soothing words and dropped light kisses on her forehead. When she quieted, Daniel allowed his
attention to drift toward the simple pleasure of having her linger in his
embrace. He relished the warmth, the
almost hypnotic measure of her breathing.
He didn’t even mind the cold dampness her tears had left on his shirt.
“I’m sorry,” Janet said, drawing back to look
up at him. She reached up to wipe ineffectually
at the soaked spot on his chest. “I
didn’t come here just to blubber all over you.”
He stilled her hand with his own. “Don’t worry about that,” he whispered, and
drew her hand to his lips, kissing her fingertips.
She inhaled sharply and met his eyes. Hers were red-rimmed, her face slightly drawn
with fatigue, but she still looked beautiful.
He held her gaze as his kiss moved to her palm, then the inside of her wrist.
“This
wasn’t exactly why I came here either.”
Her words, though breathless, carried a hint of reservation. It was emphasized a second later when she
raised an eyebrow.
He matched her expression. “Do you want me to stop?”
The corners of her mouth tightened slightly
in a failed attempt at a frown. “I
thought we had an agreement not to be too demonstrative at work.”
It took some effort not to point out that she
hadn’t answered his question.
“True.
And, in principal, I still think that’s a good idea.” He brought her hand back to rest against his
chest but didn’t let go. “But as you
pointed out, it’s been a while since we’ve had any time to ourselves. Technically we’re both off duty. I know we’re still on the base but,” he paused and pulled her even closer, “you’re
here. And maybe that’s making me prone
to question my better judgment. But
perhaps we could defer our little agreement, just this once?”
Dark brown eyes narrowed at him but she
didn’t attempt to pull away. Opting to
call her bluff – and hoping that’s truly what it was – Daniel leaned toward her
face. An act which had at one time been
easy and comfortable now felt clumsy.
Striving to find his bearings in this landscape of re-forging their
relationship, he kept the kiss light, almost as if seeking her consent to continue. But Janet was matching her response to his,
resulting in a kiss that was warm but undeniably tentative.
Not wanting her to be the first to break the
contact, Daniel made the move instead.
He had to fight reluctance the entire time and still couldn’t bring
himself to let go of her completely. He
rested his forehead against hers, his eyes closing.
“It’s late,” Janet broke the silence
softly. “And Cassie is expecting me.”
“Right.”
It came out as a sigh as he opened his eyes and stepped back, releasing
her.
She glanced up into his face and for a moment
he thought they shared a spark of unspoken communication, in that inexplicable
way they sometimes used to. He sensed in
that connection she was experiencing the same regrets as he, but also mixed with
determination. She offered a smile,
fleeting but completely genuine.
“Listen,” she began, “there’s no way to be
sure how tomorrow will play out, given everything that’s happened the past few
days. But barring any emergencies or
further SGC catastrophes, why don’t you plan to come over for supper tomorrow
night?” Her eyes twinkled with a hint of
optimism as she added, “Nothing fancy.
Just a little leisure time with me and Cassie.”
He nodded.
“That would be great.”
Her smile flashed again, longer this time, as
she held his gaze. She turned to leave
and he stepped past her to open the door.
She paused in the entryway, reaching to cup his cheek before stretching
on tiptoes to brush a light kiss across his lips. It was far more brief, but lacked the timid
reserve they’d shared in the previous kiss.
And as he watched her walk away, Daniel decided the wall between them
didn’t seem quite so insurmountable any more.
~ THE END ~