Suggested
Rating: for teen and older readers
Category: Daniel/Janet established relationship
Setting: following the events of Beneath the Surface
Synopsis: Having his memory altered affects Daniel in
ways he never anticipated.
Author’s
Comments: Part 25 in The Journey series. Thanks
to Sonia for the wordsmithing and comments.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly
recognizable characters and places (the Stargate SG-1 stuff) are the
property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for
entertainment only and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was
intended. Previously unrecognized
characters and places, and this story, are creations of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or
dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
STRUGGLING ON THE
SURFACE
- by Michelle Lunsford (August 2008)
Daniel hadn’t planned to be here. He’d simply decided to take a walk and then
found himself standing at the end of the corridor. For a long while he stood there, hands in his
pockets, staring at the nondescript gray door.
Then, with a resigned sigh, he rapped his knuckles twice against the
metal surface.
There was no immediate answer, nor could he
detect sounds of movement from the other side.
Daniel was considering whether to knock again or walk away when the door
opened.
“Daniel Jackson.”
“Hey.
Teal’c.” His mind flailed about
in an effort to make some reasonable greeting.
“I, um… I’m not interrupting you or anything?”
“Indeed you are not.”
“Ah.”
He reached up to adjust his glasses.
“Good.”
Silence stretched between them until the
Jaffa finally asked, “Is there something for which you require my assistance,
Daniel Jackson?”
“No, no.”
He shifted his weight on the balls of his feet, a slight grimace
tightening his face as he drew out the next word. “Maybe.”
He met his friend’s gaze then, saw the familiar, steady strength in
those dark eyes, and felt some of his anxiety dissipate. “The truth is, Teal’c, I think I need to talk
to someone.”
Inclining his head, Teal’c stepped aside to
open the door fully. As Daniel entered,
the room’s serene atmosphere calmed him further. It often surprised him that this simple,
sparsely decorated space had a tendency to put him so quickly at ease.
“Please, be seated.” Teal’c motioned to the only chair in the
room.
Daniel nodded. Only after he’d taken the chair did his
friend sit on the edge of the bed opposite him.
“Now.
What is it you wish to discuss?”
Despite the abrupt nature of his confidant,
Daniel couldn’t help but smile. Teal’c
wasn’t exactly known for his subtlety.
That was probably part of the reason his subconscious had led him
here. “It’s the recent mission.”
Teal’c merely gazed back at him. For a moment Daniel didn’t have the foggiest
idea where to go from there. Finally he
shook his head and said, “I don’t know, Teal’c.
Something has my brain running in circles. Something…
I mean, it’s nothing out of the ordinary for me to be reflective about a
mission afterward.” Now that he’d begun
the words were coming more freely now.
“But this time… it’s as if it’s knocked me off balance or something.”
“This mission was unlike many we have
experienced before,” Teal’c admitted.
A straightforward statement, but it resonated
deeply with what Daniel was feeling.
“Yes,” he sighed. “I’ve faced sarcophagus addiction and
schizophrenia. I’ve dealt with alternate
realities, robotic imitations of myself, phase shifts and time travel. I’ve even had my consciousness swapped into
other people. But this – having my
memories purposefully altered…” It felt
as if ice settled in the pit of his stomach.
“This was worse than any of that.
Worse, even, than being dead.”
Teal’c spoke something in Goa’uld and the
harsh dialect mixed with his rich baritone to echo throughout the room.
“As a man does, so he is,” Daniel translated
aloud. “As a man remembers, so he does.”
It was a fair summary of what had been
plaguing his thoughts since their return from the planet. Not remembering who he was, what he did at
the SGC, or even who his friends were, had unnerved him more then he thought it
would. He believed that much of a person’s
character was shaped by the choices one made.
But if you had no memory of those choices or the experiences that
resulted from them, how would that affect the choices you made in the future?
The Jaffa’s voice interrupted his
thoughts. “We are fortunate that our
memories began to resurface.”
“Yes,” Daniel agreed. But he couldn’t help verbalizing the nagging
idea. “But what if they hadn’t?”
Teal’c had a ready reply. “I am confident that General Hammond would
have done everything possible to locate and rescue us.”
“I know that too, but what if we hadn’t
remembered or been rescued? How long
might we have gone on trapped in that underground facility? What kind of lives would we have led?” To himself he added, and what kind of character would ‘Karlan’ have displayed? What choices would he have made, based on the false memories he owned?
“Daniel Jackson.” When Teal’c spoke this time his tone was
unexpectedly gentle. “You will only
bring yourself grief and frustration by persisting in such speculation. We did remember. And we are home. That is what matters.”
“Right,” he huffed. It was the truth, of course, but that didn’t
make it any easier to swallow.
The Jaffa titled his head, studying him for a
moment before asking, “Or is there something else about this past mission that
troubles you?”
His friend’s insight felt like a blow to the
chest. Throwing up his hands in
frustration Daniel blurted, “Teal’c, everything
about this past mission troubles me.” It
was as if the dam had been released.
Bolting from the chair he began to pace, words pouring forth nearly as
fast as they spiraled through his mind.
“I hate the way they were taking advantage of those workers. I hate that we had our minds manipulated. I hate that I couldn’t remember the SGC or my
own best friends when they were right there in front of me – that I couldn’t
remember any of my past, my work, my
successes and failures – hell, I couldn’t even remember my wife.” His fists were clenched tight, his steps
quick and sharp as he covered the small space of floor. “And I hate that I never, not once, remembered
anything whatsoever about Janet!”
The energy of his tirade evaporated with that
confession and he slumped into the chair, leaning forward to bury his face in
his hands.
“You have not betrayed her.” Teal’c’s words reverberated assurance.
Looking up, Daniel peered at his friend from
behind his spectacles and with anguish in his tone whispered, “Then why do I
feel like I have?”
It was some time before the Jaffa
responded. “Is it, perhaps, because of
the woman called Kegan?”
There’d been no accusation in the question
but Daniel flinched all the same. There
hadn’t been anything between them, although he’d not been blind to signs that
Kegan was interested. Still, as his
memories had surfaced, he’d been able to recall particular emotions. Those emotions were strong, but unfocused
somehow. And several times he’d wondered
if those feelings were somehow meant
to be directed toward Kegan.
Now that his mind had cleared, he understood
those sensations had been glimpses of his true identity, a strange mixture of
his love for Sha’re and his developing feelings for Janet. That, in and of itself, unsettled him a bit,
but it wasn’t an entirely new experience.
He’d been dealing with that, in greater and lesser degrees, since first
realizing he felt something for the good doctor.
No, what continued to bother him was the fact
that it had taken him so long to remember Janet at all.
Leaning back in the chair again Daniel
acknowledged, “Teal’c, it wasn’t until we got back, as I helped escort Brenna
through the Gate and saw the medical team waiting at the bottom of the ramp,
that I remembered anything about Janet.”
“Perhaps those thoughts were slower to return
because they are the most recent in your memory.”
Daniel considered that then shook his
head. “But Janet’s been my doctor for
years.” Waving a hand at his friend he
added, “I’ve known her as long as the rest of you.”
“However,” Teal’c contradicted, “your
relationship with Doctor Fraiser is altered from what it once was, and has been
altered for only a short time. Those are the memories which are more
recent for you.”
He nodded.
That assessment was true, but didn’t make him feel any better.
“Have you,” the Jaffa began slowly,
“considered speaking of this matter with Doctor Fraiser?”
It had crossed his mind, but Daniel wasn’t
keen on the idea.
After a silent pause Teal’c continued, “She
is a most attentive listener. And I have
observed that she has been able to help you work through matters, in times
past, when others have proven less successful.”
“Well, you’re right about that, my
friend. But I don’t know…” He stared at the floor. “I’m afraid that something I might say will
hurt her. After all, what woman wants to
be told that she was forgotten?”
“You did not forget her intentionally,”
Teal’c reminded sternly. “Besides,
Doctor Fraiser is brave and strong.” In
the lingering pause Daniel glanced up, meeting the older man’s gaze. “I believe she cares much for you. She will understand.”
^
* ^ *
^ * ^ * ^
* ^ *
^ * ^
*
Daniel frowned when he noticed the number on
his caller ID. He’d been expecting the
call, of course. But that didn’t mean he
was ready for it.
“Hello?”
“Hey.”
The voice on the other end was all warmth and smiles. “I’m sorry I missed you.”
“Yeah.”
He felt a twinge of guilt. Janet
wouldn’t have ‘missed him’ if he hadn’t been so careful to avoid her until
leaving base for the day. “I guess given
recent events I wanted to get home as soon as possible. You know, be in familiar surroundings, sleep
in my own bed.”
Her apologetic reply was nearly
instantaneous. “I hope I didn’t disturb
you.”
“No, no.
I was just cleaning up from dinner.”
“Oh.”
Had he detected disappointment in her
tone? What if she had called with hopes
of them sharing a meal together? His
guilt tightened like a screw boring into his conscience. “I thought I might do some reading and then
turn in early.”
“Of course.”
If there was any disappointment this time it was well hidden beneath
genuine understanding. “Then I won’t
keep you. I only wanted to say
hello. Let you know I was thinking of
you.” There was a pause, and he would
have sworn Janet sounded bashful when she spoke again. “And I guess the truth is I really wanted to
hear the sound of your voice.”
She’d sat in on the debriefing, where he’d
rambled on plenty enough about the mission.
But he knew what she meant. And
the cold twist of the screw turned another notch.
“I’ve missed you, Daniel.”
“Yeah…”
He desperately wanted to give her the reply she no doubt longed to
hear. But how could he? You couldn’t miss what you hadn’t
remembered. “Listen,” he began, needing
to offer her something decent out of this mess, “maybe we could spend some time
together, away from work, sometime soon.”
“I’d like that.”
They compared schedules. She was to work the late shift through the
weekend but would be off on Monday. He’d
be at the SGC, but at present no off-world missions were slated for SG-1 that
day.
“You could come over for dinner,” she
offered. “Cassie would love to see you
too. She’s been asking about you. I try not to burden her every time something
goes wrong with a mission but, well, you know how perceptive she is.”
“At least you’ll be able to give her some
good news tonight,” Daniel said, willfully shoving down the bitter taste of
remorse.
“Right.
She’ll be glad to know you’re all safe.”
There was a pause and he heard the sigh of relief she whispered before
adding, “Daniel, I’m glad too. I was
prepared… well, you know. I’m glad it
didn’t come to that.”
Oh yes, he knew – knew that she’d volunteered
and been chosen as part of Major Griff’s covert search and rescue team. So while he’d been living as Karlan,
questioning if he was supposed to be in relationship with Kegan, Janet had been
preparing to risk everything to come find him.
And he hadn’t even remembered her name.
Daniel swallowed. If this conversation went on for much longer
he was going to scream.
“Monday night for dinner, then,” he said into
the receiver. “I’m looking forward to
it.”
“Me too.
Goodnight, Daniel.”
“Goodnight, Janet.”
He hung up the phone, questioning the
sincerity of that last statement. He could look forward to being with her,
and Cassie. But he didn’t relish the
idea that this recent mission might come up in conversation. Not that she would pressure him. She never did. But she would offer to be a listening ear,
especially if she noticed that something was bothering him. He doubted this was going to cease bothering
him before then.
Still, this was one experience he’d prefer to
leave buried at the other end of the wormhole.
His earlier conversation with Teal’c came to
mind then, renewing his sense of culpability.
Yes, Janet probably would understand.
Perhaps by Monday he’d even be ready to share this with her.
Reaching for the book on his coffee table he
couldn’t quite silence the inner voice that murmured, but I doubt it.
~ THE END ~