Suggested
Rating: for teen and older readers
Category: Daniel/Janet, angst
Setting: during and after the events of Absolute Power
Synopsis: Dreams can teach, but at what cost?
Author’s
Comments: Part 28 in The Journey series. Thanks
to Sonia for helping me get a better angle on this one.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly
recognizable characters and places (the Stargate SG-1 stuff) are the
property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret
Productions. This piece of fan fiction
was created for entertainment only and no infringement on copyrights or
trademarks was intended. Previously
unrecognized characters and places, and this story, are creations of the
author. Any similarity to real persons,
living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by
the author.
WATCHING AND WAITING
- by Michelle
Lunsford (September 2008)
A security guard? For a child?
Although, given the nature of this particular
child, it wasn’t such a bad idea. And
couldn’t her intent in coming here be considered, on some level, an
interrogation? Janet sighed. It was moments like this she wondered if she
was in the wrong line of work.
At her approach the guard snapped to
attention. She gave a nod of
acknowledgement and waited while he unlocked the door with a pass key. The first thing she noticed upon entering the
room was the hint of incense. A candle
burned on the table and the boy, seated cross-legged on the bed, was staring at
it.
“Hello, Doctor Frasier,” he said. It was that same gentle yet inquisitive voice
that had immediately endeared him to her earlier, but she couldn’t help
noticing he hadn’t turned to face her.
“Hello, Shifu.” She stepped forward and heard the door close
behind her.
He moved then and Janet was struck by how his
motions seemed too fluid, lacking any of the restlessness she remembered Cassie
having when she was younger. As his gaze
settled on her he said, “You’ve come to ask me about Daniel.”
She suppressed a shiver. There’s
far too much discernment in those young eyes.
“Yes.”
Moving to stand beside the bed she continued, “I came to see if you can
help me understand what’s happened to him.”
He looked up at her. “Dreams sometimes teach. I am teaching him.”
“So he’s… dreaming?” That fit with her observations but didn’t explain
everything. She shook her head. “This has to involve more than mere dreaming.” Technical jargon floated through her brain
but she translated into terms a child would understand. “Daniel isn’t just sleeping, he’s unconscious. We can’t wake him.”
Shifu titled his head,
those eyes boring into her. “He is in no
danger.”
“That’s good to know.” She pulled out a chair from its place at the
table, positioned it to face the bed, and sat down. “But it doesn’t really tell me how to help
him.”
He smiled at her and Janet had the impression
their roles were suddenly reversed, as if he was now trying to help her comprehend
things beyond her level of understanding.
“When the mind is enlightened, the spirit is freed, and the body matters
not.”
Janet narrowed her eyes at him. “Perhaps. But for what I do the body matters a great
deal. As Daniel’s doctor I’d like to
have more than your word that he’s not
in any danger.”
The boy nodded but his smile faded. Janet wondered if she’d offended him. At this point she wondered if she even cared.
Daniel
would care,
the quiet voice in the back of her head reminded. She told it to kindly shut up.
“Then remember that he is also the husband of
my mother,” Shifu said. His tone had taken on a slight edge. “He is in no danger.”
This
isn’t getting me anywhere, she thought in exasperation. She could feel tension lines beginning to tighten
across her forehead and reached up to smooth them. “Okay, Shifu, you
say you’re teaching him. What are you
trying to teach?”
“To understand that the true nature of a man
lies in the battle between his conscious mind and the desires of his
subconscious, and that the knowledge in my subconscious is too strong to
resist. The only way to win is to deny
it battle.”
She pondered that for a moment. “Actually, I think that’s something Daniel
already knows. Believe me, he wasn’t keen on the idea of us trying to glean helpful
information from the knowledge you have.
He knows the cost. In fact, he
probably knows better than anyone.” She
leaned forward, resting her elbows against her knees. “But at the same time, he knows what we’re up
against. And I’m sure he did his best to
explain that to you.”
“Knowing is not
understanding. Only in
understanding will Daniel be able to make a choice.”
The sad seriousness in his tone left Janet
with a cold feeling in the pit of her stomach.
“What kind of dream is he experiencing, exactly?”
The boy glanced away and it was several
seconds before he answered. “It is not
for me to know. But the images will take
whatever form teaches him best.”
The feeling in her gut turned to ice. “Does your promise that Daniel is in no
danger apply only to his physical condition, or were you speaking of his mental
and emotional safety too?”
He looked up then and once more she was
struck by the depth of insight revealed in those eyes. “It is good that Daniel has one such as you
to look after him.”
“I’m his doctor,” she answered automatically,
knowing that wasn’t really what the boy had meant. At his single-raised eyebrow response she
added, “And Daniel has many friends here, and all are as concerned about him as
I am.”
He smiled, but it didn’t quite reach his
eyes. “Because
it is so clear, it takes a long time to realize it.”
Janet leaned back in her chair in
a vain attempt to distance herself from such perceptive scrutiny. Her issues with Daniel were complicated to
say the least, but there was no denying she was worried about him. Having that pointed out by the son of his
dead wife, however, was not something
she needed in the mix.
I’m really not going to get any more answers out of him about
this. Or if I do, they aren’t going to
make me feel any better.
She sighed. “Shifu, can you at
least tell me when he might wake up from this dream?”
He blinked. “When the teaching is
complete.”
“Of course,” she replied in a
flat tone. “Well then, I guess there’s
nothing to do but wait.”
She stood and placed the chair
back at the table. When she turned she
saw Shifu had taken up his original position, staring
once more at the burning candle. She left
without another word, but on her way back to the infirmary it occurred to her
that he’d never actually answered her question about Daniel’s mental and
emotional wellbeing.
^
* ^ *
^ * ^
* ^ *
^ * ^
* ^ *
Janet had completed the paperwork she’d
brought from her office and managed an unnecessary inventory of all infirmary
supplies in the several hours that followed her discussion with Shifu. During that
time various members of SG-1 had dropped by to check on their teammate’s
progress. O’Neill had been the most
recent, popping in at the same moment she’d done one of her routine checks on
Daniel’s vitals, and she’d had to remind him again that Daniel wasn’t really in a coma. She’d been secretly relieved when the colonel
hadn’t stayed long. She’d also heard a Tokra had arrived, memory device in tow. No doubt they were all gathered around the
table in the briefing room right now, discussing what their next step should
be.
And still Daniel lay there, unconscious but
dreaming.
The infirmary was empty at the moment and
Janet took the opportunity to check the monitor by Daniel’s bed. There was no change, just like the dozens of
other times she’d checked today, but it gave her some sense of control to be
able to accomplish that small act.
Gazing down at the familiar profile, she
realized this was part of what had
her so troubled. She hated this feeling
of helplessness. And while she’d
certainly faced situations where her medical expertise was pushed beyond its
limits, at least in those instances she’d been able to try something. This cursed
watching and waiting was driving her nuts.
Watching
and waiting… Because he needs time and space to figure some
things out…
She clenched her fists, feeling the nails dig
hard into the flesh of her palm.
Damn
you, Daniel – why am I allowing you to do this to me?
With a concerted effort she relaxed her
hands. Taking a deep, steadying breath
she looked down at his face, still and silent in sleep. Because
I haven’t given up on you, she told herself. Because I haven’t given up on us.
What she had
given up was trying to figure out what was going on in Daniel’s head. This was partly because she’d exhausted every
explanation – plausible or not – that had come to mind and partly out of sheer
self-preservation. The speculating had
begun to cost her a loss of appetite and sleep.
Too many nights she’d huddled in her bed, shaking, head buried in the
pillow so her sobs wouldn’t wake Cassandra.
In the weeks that followed she’d taken a
different tactic, burying herself in work.
There was always something to keep her busy at the SGC and at home she’d
managed some spring cleaning and even a little furniture rearranging. Throughout it all she’d avoided Daniel
whenever possible and maintained a professional amicability when they had to be
in the same room.
But she wasn’t certain how long the façade
would hold, or what her next survival ploy might be.
“How much longer am I supposed to wait?” she
whispered to the motionless figure in the bed.
That little voice in the back of her head
returned to remind her that however much she wanted to trust him, she wouldn’t
wait forever.
“Of course, if you don’t wake up from this
stupid dream Shifu has forced on you,” she muttered,
allowing some of her frustration to seep through the words, “then none of our
personal problems are going to matter.”
She glanced at the monitors again, almost willing there to be some
change in his readings.
To her surprise, there was.
She blinked, stooped to get a closer look at
the screen, and checked the numbers a second time. She touched the pulse point of his wrist to
confirm what her eyes were telling her.
His heart rate was definitely increasing.
Abruptly his wrist shifted, slipping out of
her light grasp as his hand seized her fingers in a grip so tight she feared
bones might actually break.
Simultaneously a cry tore from his throat with such horrible intensity
that it momentarily froze Janet in place.
“Daniel?” Her tone was concerned but wary as she leaned
over him.
He stared, wide-eyed and unfocused, for
several seconds before finally seeming to see her face. As some of the alarm began to ease from his
features she felt him release her hand.
“Where…” his voice was ragged with panic, “Where’s Shifu?”
“They have him under guard.” She rubbed at her fingers and considered
whether to tell him the rest. Something
about the look of terror in his eyes told her she should. “The Tokra have
come and they have the memory devi—”
“No!”
Throwing back the sheet he was on his feet before she could finish her
sentence.
She headed around the bed to cut him off. “Now wait just a minute.”
“Where are my clothes?” he demanded, trying
to step around her.
She dialed her authoritative bark up a
notch. “Daniel, you are not going anywhere until I’ve had a moment to examine
you. You’ve been unconscious for several
hours and—”
He grabbed her shoulders and glared down at
her. The initial chaos of his mood was
passing but there was still that unsettling look in his eyes. “I can’t explain but I have to get to Shifu now.” He inhaled sharply and she realized he was
actually shaking. “Janet, please.”
She stood there for several heartbeats before
acquiescing with a quick nod. She
pointed at the small closet near the bed.
“Your clothes are in there.”
She caught the hint of relief that flooded
his eyes before he released her and turned away. Pulling the curtain closed, she waited while
he dressed. Sooner than she expected he
was yanking the curtain open again and bolting for the door. She raced after him, practically running to
keep up with his long-legged stride. He
was headed for one of the observation rooms and reached it several seconds
ahead of her. By the time she climbed
the stairs to the observation deck and announced that he’d woken a few minutes ago,
Daniel was already engaged in conversation with Shifu
below.
Janet watched the scene play out and her own troubles
were temporarily forgotten when she overheard Daniel and Shifu
speak of Sha’re.
It was becoming increasingly apparent that Daniel planned to let the boy
go, but any argument she might have anticipated on the matter became moot as Shifu transformed into pure light right before their eyes. It was beautiful, she thought, and in some
inexplicable way that bizarre feeling of timelessness she’d kept getting from Shifu’s gaze now made sense. Within moments he floated away, the rest of
SG-1 following on foot. General Hammond
gave a command over the intercom and then he left.
Alone now, Janet allowed her shoulders to sag. Whatever had been in the dream, it had
clearly unnerved Daniel. But it had
taught the message Shifu intended, loud and clear. And now the boy was leaving. She didn’t want to think about what kind of
emotional repercussions this could have for Daniel.
Or
worse yet, what if he wants to come to me to help deal with the aftermath? I… really don’t think I can handle that right
now.
She longed for the day to simply be over, to
be able to go home where she could brood in the comfort of her own surroundings. But there were still a few hours remaining in
her shift. And prudence warned that
Daniel should be examined once things settled down again. She was going to have to see him, whether he
choose to talk to her or not.
In other
words, more watching and waiting. She
sighed and tried not to think about how badly she hated it all as she made her
way back to the infirmary.
^
* ^ *
^ * ^
* ^ *
^ * ^
* ^ *
Her shift almost complete, Janet had devoted
herself to writing a medical report to avoid watching the clock when she heard
the knock at her half-closed door.
“Come in,” she called, not bothering to look
up.
There was no reply for several seconds. Then she heard the unmistakable sound of
someone clearing his throat, followed by a tentative, “Um, have I come at a bad
time?”
Her fingers paused over the keyboard as she
bit back the retort that sprang to mind.
“Give me a couple seconds to finish this last paragraph,” she replied
instead, and motioned him to step inside.
From the corner of her eye Janet saw that Daniel
opted to leave the door standing open.
He also pulled the chair a little farther away from her desk before
sitting down. She cast a hasty glance
over her laptop screen before saving her report. His back was ramrod straight, feet were
planted squarely on the floor, and his gaze seemed fixed on something near the
toes of his boots. She couldn’t see his
hands but guessed he was holding them in his lap. His discomfort was palpable and tugged at
something deep in her heart. But she
couldn’t even look at him without wanting to go on the defensive.
Steeling herself, she shut her laptop and
leaned back in her chair. “Daniel. What can I do for you?”
“I was wondering… if I could talk to you?”
He didn’t look up and she wondered if it was trauma
or guilt that kept him from meeting her eyes.
Either way, she was relieved. The
less she had to deal with that piercing blue gaze the better.
“What did you want to talk about?” Janet
figured she already knew but it was a safe response. Yet, as soon as the words left her mouth it
occurred to her that perhaps he
wanted to discuss their relationship.
She stretched her hands out along the arms of her chair and stared at
the light switch on the wall, just over Daniel’s right shoulder. Seconds ticked by in silence.
“I… it’s, um…difficult… knowing where to
begin,” he finally answered.
“Well,” she made her tone neutral, “why don’t
you go with the first thing that pops in your head and take it from there?”
He shifted in the chair, still looking at the
floor. “This recent incident…”
Her hands tightened around the vinyl armrest
as she fought the fresh wave of disappointment.
I shouldn’t have started this, she screamed at herself. Aloud she replied, “So, is it the dream,
specifically, that you want to discuss, or is it something else?” The sooner she got him talking, the sooner
this would be over. “Something
about Shifu, maybe?”
He nodded, but said nothing more, and Janet
felt her pain giving way to aggravation.
“Daniel, I’m sorry Shifu had to leave – I know
how important he is to you, how—” she faltered.
Now did not seem like a good
time to be mentioning Sha’re. Shaking her head she went on, “But I don’t
like what he put you through.”
“It was necessary,” Daniel replied
matter-of-factly.
“If that’s so,” she retorted, “then what’s
the problem?”
He glanced up at her then, and she wondered
if her vehemence had surprised him. But surprise
wasn’t what she recognized in the momentary connection as their eyes met. Instead it was far too similar to the look of
horror she’d seen when he’d first woken from Shifu’s
dream.
“In the dream,” he began, still looking at
her face if not directly into her eyes, “I saw myself… I said things and did
things—” his voice broke as he suddenly squeezed his eyes shut. “I had the knowledge of the Harcesis and I made people believe I could use it for our
good, for the defense of our planet, but the whole time I was really acting out
of my own selfish, evil motivations.”
Janet saw that he actually shuddered with
this confession and when he opened his eyes he was staring at the floor again. Gee,
thanks Shifu, she thought bitterly. Just
what your stepdad needs, more excuses to feed into his over active guilt
complex.
“I thought that was the point Shifu intended to make,” she said, trying to find something
positive in all this mess. “That the
evil associated with those genetic memories is too strong to fight, no matter who
you are.”
“I know, but—”
“There is no but about this,” she cut him off sternly. She certainly had her own ideas about where
Daniel had screwed up but she was not about to sit here and let him beat
himself up over something that wasn’t his fault. “From what I understand, Shifu
and Oma are ascended beings, and they knew Shifu couldn’t fight that
knowledge if he remembered it. For
goodness sake, Daniel, cut yourself some slack.”
“Cut myself some slack?” His tone was incredulous as he lurched from
his chair and leaned over her desk.
There was deep pain in his expression when he met her eyes this
time. Janet, suddenly uneasy, stood and
put a few additional steps between her and the desk.
Daniel began to move around the desk as he
went on, “And just how do I do that, now that I have to live with these
horrible images in my head? Now that I
have memories of what I did in the dream, of how I treated my friends and all
those I care about?”
He’d closed the distance between them before
she realized it but she stood her ground.
I’ll be damned if I let him drive
me into the corner the way my ex-husband used to.
“I understand Shifu’s
motivation for what he did to me.” He
was barely an arm’s reach away now. “But
I… I didn’t ask for this. And I don’t
know if…” He was staring down at her,
his tone pleading. “Janet, I—”
When he took a step closer and reached for
her hand, Janet went rigid. It was all
she could do not to jerk her hand from his grasp, but as their eyes met she
thought she caught a glimmer of unspoken ache reflected there.
“I’m sorry,” he breathed, releasing her hand
and stepping away.
So am I, she thought, but the
words wouldn’t come.
He was facing the wall now, hands planted
firmly at his waist and head bowed. Even
with his back to her she recognized the posture of tightly controlled
frustration. “I’m sorry,” he repeated,
and as he moved toward the other side of the desk he turned to face her. “I know I have no right to even be here,
but…”
She waited, but he never finished the
thought.
“It’s not that I don’t care,” she murmured,
pushing her hands deep into the pockets of her white coat.
“I know.”
The tiny half-smile he offered communicated only sorrow.
“But you said you needed time and space to
work out a few things.” She hesitated. He may
have started this but he deserves to know how I feel. She took a deep breath.
“Daniel, when we first agreed to get involved
I shared with you my concerns, my fears.
And you admitted to having the same types of fears. For a while, we were able to work through
some of those together.” She risked
taking a step closer, never once looking away from his face. “If there is something you need to work
through on your own, I want to try and understand that… to give you the time
and space you need.” She could feel her
voice beginning to quiver. “But Daniel,
you should know that I can’t wait forever.
I can’t… I’ve been hurt before and although this situation is very
different I won’t put myself through that again.”
For what seemed forever he said nothing. Then, voice barely above a whisper, he replied,
“I understand. And I appreciate you
being honest. It’s more then I’ve…” He shook his head, turned, and walked out.
The silence in her office was deafening. Janet closed and locked her office door, then
turned to lean heavily against the solid metal frame. She made it to a ten count before allowing
herself to slide down the length of it, slumping in a heap on the floor. Then she drew her knees up tight to her chest,
wrapped her arms around them, and waited for the shaking to stop.
~ THE END ~